Ruby Transcript
(thanks to Angela for her tireless transcription)

R: Hello, my guests tonight are, me, Ewan McGregor, Eddie Izzard, and please welcome the new star, Ruby Wax
[Ruby points in turn to herself, Ewan and lastly, Eddie, who gives a look of slight disappointment .......and reveals, Ewan in tweedy beige jacket, trousers and shirt; Eddie in black biker jacket, dark jeans, dark top and silver nail polish and Ruby in dark jacket, trousers and red shirt]

[title sequence]

R: Oh, look......oh I didn't recognise you [Ruby to Eddie, who returns to the table]

E: Whaaaaat?

R: You look fabulous

E: What (?), since the make-up went on? [ Eddie sits back down at the table]

R: Yeah, it really was worth it

E: Just went to the loo, had to empty my bladder, really changes the erm....

R: the vibe

E: ....my whole look. and I did think that's true, cos people do drink their own urine, don't they?
[ Ewan happily tucking into food]

R: Oh, errr, some of my guests on my show have drunk their own urine!

E: Is it a Buddhist thing? ........And?

R: I'm hoping for that tonight  [ Ruby crosses her fingers]

E: By the end?

Ew: Cheers!

R: it's a homeopathic thing, like if your own allergy is in your urine. See how we start off like that?
[Eddie proceeds to light up a fag]

R: We can only go lower

Ew: that's good!

R: isn't that refreshing?

Ew: So if your allergy's in your urine.......?

R: Then you drink the allergy, your antibodies, that's the word of the 90's, no longer [Ruby waves hand defiantly] but it was cos people still had them in the 90's, fight whatever's in the urine, in the battle itself. Somebody wins and so you're cured. Forget about it. Would you ever drink your own urine? That was my first question.
[Ruby turns towards Eddie]

E: Well, that's the first thing I'd go for! You know when You're on the mountains and you crash and you gotta eat dead bodies. And you say," let's start on the urine," my own urine first, Cos that's something you start to do!

R: you've thought this out?

E: No, that's just something that came to me. I would, I imp!
rovise.

Ew: Have you ever eaten your own cum? Seeing as you were talking about came.

[Eddie pauses for thought]

R: Yes, sure, go ahead, listen I'm eating!

E: Noooo, have you?

Ew: No, me neither

R: No, really!!

E: [Eddie turns to Ruby] Have you?

R: Errr, ah well, clearly That's a woman's role!

[Silent chuckle and grin appears on all three faces]

R: Back to the dead bodies on the mountain......

E: bwaaaaahhhhhhh....yeah

[Ewan sniggers]

R: Before we get to eating can we just get to the dead bodies

E: Straight to there!

Ew : The urine first?

R: [Turns to Eddie] Have you thought about it for more than 2 seconds? Have you ever thought about anything for more than 2 seconds or are you just really, like the winds of something blowing through your brain?

E: Erm, no, I think about, I think about the same thing, I rotate,I think round in a..... [mimes a loop]

R: you're on a loop tape?

E: Yeah, i'm on a loop and sometimes I can't switch it off and that's a bit........[sigh] annoying

R: How irritating are you to you? You know to......it's all very nice when we see you on stage.....

E: i'm very boring, i'm very boring!

R: I bet you are, but I mean when you're riding on the bus to one of your gigs, in your mind....[Eddie takes a long drag of his cigarette]

E: On the 159 to Streatham, yeah...

R: Or wherever you're going these days, you know, you're sitting there, do you, can you not stop? We were talking about that Chekhov play [speaks to member of the crew who is off screen], Cos I wanted to also to try and get the intellectual....

E: Which one?

R: Ahh [cue from the sidelines], "Seagulls", I know "Seagulls" [Ruby retaliates against the off screen cue]. Okay, so don't get started with your, you know, Miss "I went to Cambridge". The "Seagull"....

E: Yeah...

R: ....there was a character in it who could never stop listening to his own art

E: I thought you were going to say he was eating his own cum!!

R: No, he was eating his own cum but in a metaphorical way

E: Right

R: So, always thinking of lines, are you ever able to be freed in your head to think about like, groceries, without like, going, "Ahhh, groceries in Byzantine times......," or you know, ........"Dinosaurs who lived in Egypt..."

E: Yeah, yeah, no I can........

R: Are you off, ever?

E: Ahhh, I don't know, I haven't analysed it. I'll have to think, I'll tell you by the end [Eddie turns his head away, to think]

R: [Turns to Ewan] When You're alone on the bus going wherever You're going......[Eddie attempts to say something] Let's just jump to someone else talk, Cos really, you know, I feel this suck-you-bus, need constant attention [gesturing at Eddie] ........and stroking

E: I Don't need stroking! What do you mean, stroking? [Eddie plays with an adjacent pineapple]

R: As all comedians, you know, Cos they're so broken hearted, really underneath, Cos they're so much suffering and I feel his pain! [Eddie goes for fruit on a stick] [Ruby focuses her attention onto Ewan] .......Like when you're on the bus or whatever, you're, you know when you're "off", are you really boring to yourself? Are you interesting in any way, as interesting as interviewers might find you?

Ew: No, Cos i'm nothing like that, Cos when you're being interviewed you're "on" as such for the interview, aren't you? [looks over at Eddie] "Cos you're asked to come up with things so therefore you have to and you do. And errr, but I always try and.......I never lie or anything, unless i'm taking the piss!

R: Right, but you don't have to make a living out of it. But that's the beauty.

Ew: That's the difference

R: But you know you can put on that stupid little mask or whatever, and put on the tights and off you go. We really, you know, are at the mercy of showing our flesh

E: So you talking about bank robbers, here?

Ew: I think there's a huge difference I've said it before, I get nervous before things like this because They're my lines, you know. I was saying to Eddie before, They're not, .....nobody's written it for me, so it's really like public speaking for!
someone that's never done it before. Umm.....whereas you're both used to being up there as yourselves, you know. But what did you do [turns to Ruby] in your play, was different, wasn't it? Because it was your one woman show.....

R: My one woman show that's on while the series is on, that Ewan saw.......
[Ruby talks directly to camera in an attentive manner]

Ew: I saw in Australia....marvelous

R: How much did you like it, Ewan?

Ew: I thought it was fantastic

R: So bring the kids, you'll laugh you'll cry....

Ew: But I thought it was fantastic, Cos it was ......

R: Shut up a minute, i'm advertising! 

[Eddie gets distracted by technicalities of two cameras and.....looks around at the cameras like a playful, inquisitive kid]

E: How come there's two cameras, two cameras, and ..........?

Ew: I only get one, but.......

R: When,...... just let me ask you something. When you're in LA......

E: where's the sixth?

Ew: Two comedians - two cameras, actor - one camera

R: And it's really crappy.

Ew: I know how to use it, that's why?

R: Are you aware when you see something? Do you know which side is better? [to Ewan]

Ew: Oh no, not a side. it's been my job long enough to know

E: Just being vertical!

Ew: Straight upright

E: it's better to....

R: Do you try to do it, when you're in front of camera? I mean, do you try to be more attractive? I mean, is there an angle you do?

Ew: No

R: Why would you ever be in movies if you have the facility to like, really do this firework display out of your mouth? [turning to Eddie]

E: "Cos I love..... "Cos movies work when you're in bed, Cos you can go to bed and the movie's still playing , whereas, in stand-up I have to go to errrrr Sydney, I have to go to LA.......

R: You mean it's too elusive?

E: No, it's not that it's elusive, it's just, i'm lazy!

R: We were talking about this before, where's the moment that like, for you, you were ahhhh, the ass-kisser and then you became the object of the admiration? [ to Ewan] [Ewan chuckles]

E: I don't think you went through ass-kissing

Ew: I didn't kiss-ass

R: You never did?

E: Went straight in

R: Even as a small boy?

Ew: I went through, I was really arrogant when I came out of Drama School, and err....

R: Did you think you were good?

Ew:.......more arrogant than I am now Cos I came saying, "I will not do that I want to do stuff that matters," and I had meetings for things and didn't get them Cos I said, "I'm not interested in this."

R: You could do that in Scotland?

Ew: "Boon, I'm sorry I won't be doing this," [he says pretentiously] that may have been a mistake

E: I think it came in naturally and I think that he obviously did say, "No, I'm not doing that." And everyone went, "Hey, he won't be doing this" [cool voice]

Ew: That's right.......

E: "Let's give him this to do"

Ew: ...and I played more on my arrogance than I would, you know. An ass-kisser plays on their ass-kissing, I played more on my arrogance, I suppose....

R: How did you know you were good? Do you know what I mean? Like, did you wish it on yourself at an early age? Did you deliver lines and suddenly people went....? [Ruby gestures a gasp/look of surprise]

Ew: No, I didn't I never knew, I never knew until errrrm, 'cos you, I til.......

R: Well you must have known something...

Ew: .......through drama school and stuff, I mean, I, 'cos I think for most drama students you get into drama school and you think, "I am the bollocks. I am the best thing to come out of Creathe." And then you get down to London or wherever you end up at drama school and you meet 25 other people who think they are the business, too. And I thought I was crap then, once you start having to learn about it.

E: Did you go to drama school? [Eddie turns to Ruby]

R: I did, and boy, and......

E: Which one?

R: The Royal, the Royal Scottish [gestures towards Ewan] Academy of Music and Drama....

Ew: Yeah, yeahh..

R:Which taught me how to go, "La, la, la, la, la." Nobody would take me in any other drama school. I auditioned like you [at Ewan] at RADA and I did, "Gallop a pace you fireey footed steeds." [Ruby does a very pronounced, upper-class British accent] 'Cos I thought you were supposed to do alliteration and you make it sound like a neighing horse. I had a really bad acting teacher. 'Cos they were like this, "And so, Miss Langer," and with this hideous accent, so when it was all over......

Ew: Ha ha ha

R: ....there was deadly silence. So I thought, "I wowed 'em," that's why I asked, how do you know when you're really crap. And then they called your name, you know, for the call-backs and I went surely there must be some mistake. You haven't called my name! And they went," No, we didn't call your name on purpose!" So luckily, I had some Valium in my handbag and I stood outside on Tottenham Court Road, I remember, and I said," I'll kill myself in front of this very door!" So [to Ewan] when people act with you do you see their little eyes going, "Oh, Ewan, you're it."?

Ew: Nooo [Eddie and Ewan simultaneously chuckle knowingly at each other]

R: But how do you know you're good?

Ew: I never wanted it to just be doing it, you know, just jobbing around

R: Yeah

Ew: 'Cos I wanted it, 'cos I really believed it can be something else, acting could be, I never, never doubted it wasn't going to work for me and I followed that with a passion. Not because I thought I was great but because I wouldn't have it any other way, really

R: What would have happened to you if everybody said, "Ah, ah, ah, ah," [Ruby shakes her head in defiance] what would you be now?

Ew: I dunno, I've no idea, it would never have happened because I was so set, so bent on it really. I was so bent on it, but if it had happened, I dunno

[Ruby to Eddie]
R: What about you, if you like, you with your dyslexia and your whatever, didn't find the niche........

Ew: your whatever....? [Ewan turns away in disgust and laughter at Ruby's vagueness towards transvestism]

R: ....to expose it on a stage, what would you have done?
[Ewan is a laughing-stock over Ruby's comment]

E: Well, I auditioned for the Acco!
unting and Financial Management Department at Sheffield University....

R: How do you audition for accounting and financial management?

E: Have to go in and go "two plus two is four" [Eddie sings] and stuff, you know, like that......
[Ewan chuckles]......and errr, do historic cost accounting. I was quite into accounting actually.........

R: Were you?

E:..'cos I could add up!

R: You say that in a sexy way, like you know, like I could go, "I could get an arousal too when I do geometry!" [poses it like a chat-up line]

E: We used to have......[Eddie spots "waiter"] Where's he going? Umm......

R: He's the bar man....acting..

Ew: He's the bar man?

R: But he's not really, he's the prop man, too!

Ew: I wonder what his pay cheque says? It must have......

R: What do you put down on your passport? [to "waiter"] When you come through customs, you put down bar man or prop man? He's gotta lie, he doesn't know what to do!

Ew: Cheaper insurance if you say prop man. [gets "waiter" to pour/serve wine] Can I have the red please, sorry, thanks, just testing you...

[Ewan, Eddie and Ruby chuckle]

R: He's shaking now, 'cos he's never actually poured a glass of wine in his life! ["waiter" gestures to pour wine onto Ruby] You've wanted to do that for many weeks now. Aren't I a bitch to work with?! "No, Miss Wax you are a delight." Line we rehearsed! [To Eddie] So go on, don't.....

E: But why has Ewan got.....

R: Don't jump, don't jump, people will think it's bad cuts

E: Okay

R: Auditions for the accounting department....

E: Yeah, no, I just, I just, I did it ummmm, I, I, I got in.....

R: And did you thrive?

E: ......I got a, I got an 'A' in maths, I actually didn't......

[Ruby gasps]

E: .....it was interesting 'cos I didn't work, I find myself very boring at 16, and I thought this was just 'cos I was working, I was just working getting 'O' levels, collecting them like some kind of stamp collector. And so I, err, thought, "God, this is boring," and i thought I'll become....I wasn't actually rebellious enough to become a rebel, i didn't think there was anything I particularly wanted to buy into, like school rebellion of saying, " I hate everything or whatever." I didn't really hate everything and I was just kind of swanning around......

R: Surely it's hatred isn't it?

E: Just the idea, I didn't , you know, hate my dad, I didn't have a huge problem there but I just felt I was really boring 'cos I'm working so I stopped working! That was my idea, I stopped working and thought it was really good. You know, and I stopped working and people said, teachers were saying," What is the .....how come your work is....?" And I would just sit there laughing, 'cos I just got hysterics.

R: What, you just went on strike and go, "I refuse to do any more auditions," ?

E: Yeah, I refused to any more of that writing on paper

R: God, you're like Karl Marx!

E: Well, no, no, no! It's just, was just, it's pathetic rebellion!

R: It's pathetic rebellion? [emphasises]

E: But the interesting thing.....A "pathetique" rebellion, ...it became a whole play in France and it went big here, it's called Les Miserable. Ummm, but.....

R: It was about a boy who wouldn't do accounting!

E: Yeah

R: You're exactly right!

Ew: But he got in and had a talent for it

R: The tragedy, les tragique

E: But in the end...

R: So you could have been a great accountant?

E: I could, yeah, I could really add up!

R: Hey hey hey hey. If i didn't respect you before, I do now! [gets sarcastic]

[Ruby to Ewan]

R: Did you have a period of rebellion?

E: Nooo, actually that wasn't.....

R: Come on make it more interesting

Ew: We haven't even gone on to the rebellion

E: No, I haven't

R: Oh okay go on finish....Rebellion

E: No, the only rebellion was coming out as being a transvestite! And that's not much.

R: Oh, we've already heard that. Come on, you've gotta top that now
E: Well, well I went to.........

R: Have you had your dick removed?

E: Noooooo

R: Please, lets top last year! Let's forget about it

E: No, but I went to, ahh, Moscow, but..... [Eddie shies away from focus and scratches his neck]....well.... [Eddie turns quiet] Na na....

R: What? Were you a rebel or did you miss the bus? [to Ewan]

Ew: No, not particularly, I had what they called an attitude problem towards my work and as opposed, I was unaware of it, I was just fed up at school and so I developed an attitude problem, apparently. I came from a tiny town in Scotland, a beautiful town called Creathe, and everyone should visit [Ewan winks directly into the camera] It's beautiful up there.

R: Do people pay you in Creathe to say this?

Ew: No, they get really minty if you don't say it. If you don't mention it, they get really upset. So yes,  umm, I've mentioned it now, we can carry on.

R: Did you wear little kilts and play little haggis games with cross-bows?

Ew: Yeah, I used to wear kilts. I used to have catapults [mimes crossbow action to remind himself] , crossbows....., no, catapults, we had

R: Did you run through the heather like a wild wild person?

Ew: Ummm

R: I can imagine that and have......

E: But not in a kilt though, 'cos I imagine those thistles get up your ass, don't they?

Ew: No, it's good, the kilt, ‘cos you don't get ......

E: But nettles........?

R: David told me that, it's much healthier up  there 'cos that's why they're not infertile like down here because their genitals can swing freely, it's true and it's all the tight trousers. [pointing at Eddie] You'll never breed again!

Ew: Tight trousers are not good, however, deep fried Mars Bars is fine?

E: My name's not "Tight Trousers"!

R: You'll never breed again, ‘cos your trousers will just be a little too tight and he [at Ewan] can just procreate all at once. And it's a Scottish thing!

Ew: Yeah

R: Anyway back to ahhh......

Ew: So, I was obsessed with, they used to play black and white movies on BBC 2 back-to-back on the weekends and I'd just be there watching them...

R: It's like Billy Elliot, which I haven't seen

E: I love black and white movies

R:......which everyone goes to see and they go, "I cried, I cried," like it's good to cry. Go and watch a dog run over and you'll cry too! It's like Billy Elliot, here's a a little person from Creathe suddenly announcing that you want to be an actor

Ew: Yeah, but you see, also my other...........

R: Were you like, laughed at by the other kids and tortured?

Ew: Yes, yes......

R: You should have filmed it, you would have made a big movie

Ew: But there was where my arrogance started, I think, because I went," Fuck you!" 'cos I will be and, I am!

R: Yeah, god damn it, you are

Ew: Yeah and it started there

R: Are there any other arrogant people from Creathe who also said, " I am going down to the big city," I mean was there an epidemic?

Ew: No

R: It was just you?

Ew: Well, I don't know, i don't know, I didn't know whether......

R: Didn't  you have friends?
[Ewan chuckles]

Ew: Yes, I had lots of friends, but they didn't go, " I'm going down to the big smoke to be an actor!"

R: Oh, alright, and did your mother, like, ‘cos I know your brother, ‘cos I didn't know. It's funny, you know this person and you don't know anything, never came up in our conversations.....

Ew: My brother

R: ....is an RAF pilot or something?

Ew: Yeah

R: Do you ever feel like you're really doing the joke job? [Ruby chuckles at this question]

Ew: Yeah
[Ewan and Eddie return at the thought]

R: You know what I mean? That's a real job!

Ew: You drop bombs and I wear the make-up! No, it's true....it is, but they're both extreme in their ways, you know......

R: You're dropping bombs, too. I saw, ummmm.....
[Ruby and Ewan combust into laughter and simultaneous thought]

Ew: Which one did you see?

E: Whaaat? what?
[Eddie is puzzled at the simultaneous reaction and wants to be let into the secret]

R: Oh many! and I think many of us would like to know. Take us through the plot of Pillow Book. No, there's a Japanese person who can only get her rocks off if she writes actual felt tip scribblings on somebody's genitals. Is that really the plot? [Ruby mimes scribbling action]

Ew: No, the plot, it's an artistic ideal of ummm, of the ummm, the pleasures of literature and the pleasures of the flesh and the melding of the two
[Ewan is momentarily stuck as he attempts artistic bluff]

R: and you probably found if I was Japanese, I'd get it?

E: It was good, wasn't it?

Ew: Wasn't that good? I wish you hadn't talked right over me while I said it
[Ewan is surprised by his own bluff skills]

R: Alright say it again

Ew: 'Cos I'll probably never say it again

R: Say it again, I'm gonna get a coke. tell it to him
[Ruby goes off and leaves table to get drink]

Ew: Ummm, the Pillow Book.....

E: When did this come out?

Ew: Oh a while back, 94/95

E: Oh I missed this!

Ew: .....I'm naked in it all the time, aren't I?

[Ruby mimes penis in rectal area, as she walks back to the table]
R: It's a prop-penis? Oh no, that's not you!

Ew: No, no it's not darling
[denounces Ruby's accusation]

R: That's never you!

E:  We did an orgy at 10 in the morning, on Velvet Goldmine.....that was fun!

Ew: Yeah, we did

R: An orgy?

Ew: With real everything, weren't they? [Ewan chuckles]

E: Yeah

Ew: It was, I've never forgotten coming through the door, oh I shan't go on

E: Yeah, it was great, but we're not going to say anything about it. But it was, I mean we're not going tell you about it now, if we could tell now, we need a programme where you can really speak your mind
[Ewan chuckles at the thought]

R: This is a programme where you can speak your mind! We'll pay you more!

E: Nooo, we know you're gonna cut out everything like all the apt words

R: All the orgy stuff and we'll only keep in about like....

E: Well, it was an orgy and he said, umm, we thought, 10 in the morning orgy, okay and then real stuff started coming around.......

Ew: Real things were, things were around

E: ....floating around, oh alright let's go for this! And so we just did orgy all day

Ew: I came in with two, two naked, [Ewan mimes with arms spread as if holding someone] umm, 'cos I think don't, they got strippers in but they got in naked models. Is there a difference?

R: I don't know

Ew: there is, some dance, some just have their photograph taken! Well, I was with the photographable type.....

R: Right

Ew: Like this [Ewan poses with his arms around two imaginary women], two topless in a pair of leather flares.....fantastic! [Ewan presents a cheesy grin, momentarily] and I had lost some weight for it and stuff

R: It's a hard life!

Ew: I shaved everything from about the hipster line up [mimes shaving chest]

R: Did you shave it or did somebody else shave it?

Ew: I did it, I did it. And it's a very funny feeling to be, 'cos it's very like being a little boy again, you know, 'cos you're all smooth, and niiiice [camply said]. And ummm, so I came in these two nude naked strippers......

R: Ladies

Ew: .....and outside the door there's always an embarrassing moment before you start, before action, and you're not looking or anything and you're," Alright, yeah, yeah here we go,". And as soon as you go in the door, of course, anything goes.....doesn't it!

E: Yeah

Ew: 'cos it's art

E: It's live it, and go it, and be it and......

Ew: And I came in the door with these two naked birds and I look to my right and there's Eddie Izzard down in somebody's pants!

E: It's Emily Woof

Ew: Emily, down in someone's pants

E: Emily Woof

Ew: Emily Woof's pants, down in there!

R: Emily, who was that name? [mimes writing her name in a notebook]

E: Emily Woof

Ew: Emily Woof, and I, I couldn't, I had to stop 'cos I kept going, "Alright, Eddie!"

E: No, 'cos you actually came past and you grabbed my ass as you went by and I remember......

Ew: you tell it

E: I kept, I had to get Emily's bra down, top off, it was quite technical getting her clothes off before he grabbed my ass... [mimes the action simultaneously]

Ew: All very technical! [sarcastically]

E: ...before he grabbed my and when he grabbed my ass....

R: Lovely thing about art

E: No, listen, listen. When he grabbed my ass I kept turning round and I should have been, [startled look] so I didn't have to act it because I kept going "What the f...., oh it's Ewan. Oh we're in an orgy. Sorry, oh I've been getting bras off," and that was my reaction every time.  But it started off, me and Emily, was just a kind of kiss and a where-do-we-go(?) and by the end of it, I was getting most of her clothes off and it was......and take ten was way........

Ew: cross-eyed. Cut,  hang on, I've just gotta uncross my eyes

R: This would have made a much, much better movie

E: What? If the orgy went on and on?

R: Well, if we could watch it, 'cos we were really left out of it

Ew: No, you could see it, it was all there

R: Well, you didn't really see it, it was like in that film with Helen Mirren, that one where she does it with a donkey but it's in another film. Calligula, Calligula! And do you get excited when you, I mean I've read this in interviews, when you show your...... ahhh rectal area to a large group of people? [attempts to politically correct and vague to Ewan]

E: Rectal area?

R: Do you think wait a minute, I wasn't trained for this? Or........

Ew: No, it's like swimming naked, or something

R: It's happiness?

Ew: No,  'cos I've done it on stage and I've done it big time in Velvet Goldmine, and a lot in the Pillow Book...

R: so much in the Pillow Book!

Ew: Especially on stage, I did a play called "What The Butler Saw" down at Salisbury

R: There's no nudity in that show. Oh, the corpse?

Ew: There is, the page boy, the naked guy running around a the end..

R: That was you?

Ew: Yeah, and uhh. I had a cracking one, one night. I had to jump up from behind the sofa with a policeman's helmet over my genitalia and run across the stage, then out. Because it was Salisbury, and especially in the matinees....It's a very, very tweedy area, I mean it's high tweed down there, and i would always drop the helmet a few steps before the door. Just to hear the "aaarggghhhh". 'Cos it's just better than a ......, it's just great fun. And it gives you a sense of power and....

R: Yeah, I can get that reaction just by acting! 

E: I find it's easier doing "Lenny" naked, not all the way through but when I was naked, it's easy.

R: Is it pleasurable?

E: It's actually, it's quite ummm euphoric in a way, 'cos it's easier to be naked in front of 900 people than it is to be, I go from the dressing room to the stage area....

R: with a towel?

E: with a dressing gown on and then I go out and I'd reveal to people and it was fine out there. It was like "Hey", you know, I felt like, you know, you felt kinda naked

R: You know it's so liberating.....

Ew: In a strange natural way.....

R: ...but it's like male liberation, it used to be the chicks that were, you know always were....that was the object and suddenly now, it's like, it's kind of refreshing

Ew: Oh, like it, yeahhhh.  Oh, it's much better, it's much better fun, women, it's much braver and women are naked in films or were, all the time and men never were. So I just thought, split it, bring it back......

R: It's your time, Ewan

Ew: ...that's it bring it back. Doing it for the sisters, don't you think? But anyway, back to on stage at Salisbury, ‘cos this is the best bit. One night, I jumped from behind the sofa with the helmet......

R: Ha ha aha aha a

Ew: ...and I went to run across the stage, unbenounced to me, somebody had knocked over a vase of flowers on stage and someone in the props department put water in .......

R: It happens in the theatre....

[Ewan re-inacts the moment]
Ew: .....there's no need for it. Don't know why you would have water in a vase on stage, anyway, water everywhere. So I jump, where's my glass, jumped up, ........ready...., and I ran with the policeman's helmet and went thrruuuuump, like that. And the helmet went up in the air and I landed on the water, and my legs went over my shoulders. And the front row saw this [Ewan makes a circle by pinching his thumb and first finger together and runs towards the camera].......

[Eddie and Ruby chuckle in delight]
R: hahaa [chuckles]

Ew: .....coming towards them and I managed to grab the door stairs as I went off the edge of the stage, and then got back on and went. But they just saw my bum coming in and out

R: Did you get a little round? [mimes applause]

Ew: No, I didn't, there was a big "oooh" [gasp]

R: You could probably hear the ventricles of the heart shutting down!

Ew: No, it was hilarious

R: Oh, that's fantastic

Ew: It was a great moment....

R: Too bad nobody videoed it.......

Ew: I enjoyed it

R: ......we could get it on bloopers

Ew: I know, eh

R: Wouldn't that be fabulous?

Ew: With a little blooper, do they put something over your bum hole?

R: Oh, Bloopers?

E: No, they tend to break it up, they tend to pixellate it, don't they, now, these days?

Ew:  So you can just get the idea of it but not see it clearly?

E: Yes, well, apparently, if you shake your head you can see through pixellation, but I've tried that and it doesn't work!
R: Oh well, you just go like this really hard?

E: Yeah, haven't you heard that? Has anyone heard that? pixellation, you know when they say, " This person was taken to a police room with......" and that's the actual guy, whose actually got a pixellated face!

R: [giggles] Worse experience on your stage ever [to Eddie]. Or you never go through a vomit moment, ever, do you?

E: No

R: There's no vomit, you've transcended the vomit moment

E: Well, you have to leave the vomit moment way behind, it's the idea.......

R: Not that a vomit moment [pointing at Ewan]...

Ew: No, no, I've had vomit moments though, I've had those moments

E: ....I didn't want to have vomit moments

R: Are you reading your lines?
[Eddie looks at piece of paper that is on the table, in front of him]

E: No, I'm trying to think of if I've.......

R: Well, tell me your vomit moment and then we'll come back to you [to Ewan]

Ew: Oh, just first night, first night of the play I did last year, Malcolm, I, I ummm, ......big vomit moment

E: First night in France, actually, ........

Ew: ....coughed up blood before the first thing......

R: Really...

Ew: ..'cos I was so, I'd been so li!ke this [grabs at chest] for about 3 weeks or something. I hadn't , hahaha, I hadn't done anything properly, my digestive system was in tatters! And I ummm, I had a coughing fit before I went on, the blood in the tissue and stuff. ‘Cos I was just like this [grabs at chest], it was terrifying

R: How do you know you're not dying of emphysema?

Ew: I just put it down to nerves and went swiftly on....

R: No, I think something's seriously wrong

Ew: .....like the true blue hero

R: Yeah, I think I've seen this movie when it's Coniel, it's never a happy ending!

E: Umm

Ew: Maybe we'll get letters from doctors saying, " Come in, babe"

R: Actually, yeah. Land this one down, land the big cahuna!

Ew: "Let's check it out, that's not nerves, that's not nerves, baby"

E: But I don't do....

R: You know what, you get to the point where there's nothing left in your head and you dry. That's most people's vomit making moments, when actually, your sphincter shuts and everything in your body goes, " Okay, we're finished." It's like an instant death, you know, it's like dry heaving, [points to Eddie]. He gets to that and....

Ew: Ummmm

R: ....that's where he flourishes. So...when..

E: Ummm

R: ...you're an empty chalkboard and your next line comes in...

E: Well

R:....your sailing

E: Well, if you are improvising and you keep your head up, you've gotta keep fear back. If you keep fear back, your head is open to.....go digging in around for stuff and there's a lot of stand-ups who do, do this technique now. And therefore, you can do your material or go off on a tangent and there's no real difference because your material's kind of stop-starty anyway, and therefore you have more of a ........it's

Ew: But what about the other fear of when you go off a tangent and you float in the breeze, and you're off the tangent and you suddenly realise that you're.....

E: You're fucking up

Ew: .......it's craaaaap what you're saying....

E: Then you just back out

Ew: Isn't it another kind of fear?

E: I do a hand break turn [mi!
mes gear stick move] I just go wuch naassaaar ........woooovoooom

Ew: Where do you pull out to, though?  to?

E: "Anyway, when I was a kid my dad used to come up to me........" and you just go anywhere.........

Ew: Anywhere else but there

E: Chilled kid stories is what you do....

Ew: You see that fear would be too big for me, I think

R: It would be too big, it would overw......

Ew: There's a huge difference ahhhh, I know, with....., that's why comics and actors are so different, as types of people, because there's a huge difference there. We've got everything there and the fear of drying is immense. I mean there's a good friend of mine, umm ahhh, who I won't name, ah, who was a the RSC and he was doing a play and he came on and he was understudying a role and playing a smaller role in the play  and then they said to him, "You know, you'll probably go on tonight," and he went "Yeah! I'll be fine," and he came on .........

R: [chuckles in delight]

Ew: ........his first entrance and went (nothing) boooo (nothing) and he just made this speech up about, "I've trampled the flowery forest crushing bees and wasps .... [Ruby and Eddie in flurry of giggles] .....under foot," and improvised Shakespeare for ages and everybody else was turned slightly upstage and went [bemused look]. ‘Cos I believe they don't have, a kind of nasty place the RSC, as far as I can gather...

R: Oh god they're celebrating

Ew: All the other actors usually, you know, would help you out and pick up "Bee" lines, "Ohhh, the Bees!" but not there, he was going, ".....and trampled wasps under foot in the flowered forests of...."

R: Yeah

Ew: So that's and there's no way out, how can you.....

R: What did he do? You can only kill yourself!

Ew: You can only dry. He did for a while and then suddenly somebody somewhere on stage helped him out, I guess, at last

R: Oh man, yeah

Ew: But it sounds like a nasty plot I wouldn't like to be there, you were there

R: I dried at the RSC, I came on and, in my perfect Welsh, country wench woman, tits!
as Mickey Mouse ears....... [mimes ears on head]

Ew: Yeah, tits on the.......

R: "I believe there's not a soul in the house," [does bad country accent] do you understand that?

E: that's Welsh?

R: No, that's my country chick!

Ew: Oh, sorry

R: Yeah, country girl, but you gotta see me with the corset ‘cos then it makes sense [flings her chest out]

E: Where does the Welsh come into it?

R: No, it's wench!

E and Ew: Oh, wench

Ew: Ahh, we both heard Welsh!

E: Yahhh, yes

R: I said welsh but I made a mistake see, [makes car steering sounds] uuurrrrr naaaaarr turn

Ew: See snip in there, lovely

R: Here's hairpin

E: I did a great gig in Kingston ahh Poly last time with a guy called Keith Dover, and we went down and there were eight people in the audience ‘cos they were doing exams, it was a ridiculous thing and umm. I said to Keith, "Look we can't lose with this ‘cos they're not, eight people, aren't expecting anything." So I said, "Let's do it, ‘cos it's a no-lose scenario it's tat bad a set-up with the hundred seats set up and eight people sitting in them......that we really can't....."

R: No

E:...."......just talk to them like a television audience..." But the brilliant thing was,......so he went on and had a great time, I went on and had a great time, but then the janitor started closing up the gig while I was still on stage. So I did have, shkung! shkung! shkung! shkung! Going through it, and this was brilliant stand-up, ‘cos I could bring him in, "You're closing up my gig, I'm doing the gig now, wait ‘til I finish, you..." He just carried on, he got all the way down to the back of them, you know, about 60-70, like, seats he managed to pack up while I was talking. I couldn't do anything except to bring him into the show.

R: Yeah,  but that's, you know, if you manage to get over your fear of flap, like that, you know, whatever, it's a sound barrier, you know you crash through which I, [pointing at Ewan] which you and I, still have terror moving through our veins. If I could get turn that, like where I really didn't know where I was going and then free-fell and then caught myself on the next wind of my next line, which I cannot do. Then in real life, are you past your fear? [emphasises her weakness]

Ew: Umm

R: ‘Cos like shrinks would use this technique

E: But  do you fear of doing stand-up for instance?

R: I cannot dry on one line as the whole show, you know, has to connect the next

Ew: But whereas, but you don't, you don't......

R: He doesn't care!

Ew: ......write stuff

E: No, well

Ew: I mean stand-up, stand-up,...

R: Mine is totally written, yeah

Ew: right, you see and yours [to Eddie] isn't

E: Well, the analogy I put is driving. If you're driving along and something comes into the road, you swerve and you carry on, you improvise. If something you're gonna take that thing, you don't give it up. You can't imagine crashing as well.

R: You can't imagine...

E: No, if your driving a car ......

R: That's what I mean, so are you over your fear, like in life?

E: ........you don't think well, the handy thing is, once coming out as being transvestite, once you do that, that covers the fear of a lot of things!

R: Ok, I'm gonna come out as a transvestite!

E: That will help

R: Okay

E: ....And other thing is doing gigs in French, you know, that was the scariest

Ew: That's gotta be the ......

R: Yeah

E: That's the scary one, once you do it in French, English seems quite alright

R: So like, are you at peace with yourself in a Zen kind of way?

Ew: But you see there's a difference in if it's written, for instance, you're allowing yourself the freedom to begin with, by not having it written down, so that's taken the.....

R: Yeah

Ew:...and also, people's expectation of what they're gonna see is also different, for instance, if they're coming to see me in a play, so because I can't just go, okay, I ‘ve dried, I'm enormously scared.......

R: You can always pull out your......

Ew: .....and I'll u-turn over here

R: You can always pull out your penis

[Ewan momentarily thinks about it]

Ew:Cos I can't do that, because it's.....

R: Yeah

Ew: Well, there's always that!

R: It would be the perfect..........for you

Ew: But that would be, that would be, a life-saver for about....how long? ......This long

R: Yeah

E: yeah, yeah

Ew: So you know what, the expectation is different therefore you're, you're......

E: No, its harder with lines, I mean

R: Yeah, but how do you not know if you're not, if you're really free-falling that you don't go back on something you already said?

E: Ummm

R; Are you listening to yourself?

E: No, that's ummmm

R: Has that ever happened? Where you you repeat a story again.

E: Ahhh, sometimes you start thinking have I been through this. But you can always stop and say, " Have I said this to you before?"

R: Oh shit he's got so many get-out clauses!

E: Yeah, but, that's what you do you just think well that's the get-out clause

Ew: Well, that's the way his show works, that's the way the show works

R: Yeah, you know, you know, what's weird and refreshing is that in a country where, where one has two, two Emmies, cue the Emmies,......

E: Whaaat?
[Eddie tries to look puzzled and may actually be!]

Ew: cue, the Emmies!

R: look we've rehearsed this for like, an hour and a half, and now you......

Ew: Can I go and get it?

R: Yeah, they're over there
[Ewan pops off to get Eddie's Emmies]

E: Whaaat?

R: His two Emmies, that he won

E: I won some Emmies? [Eddie tries to look simultaneously cool and baffled]

R: And I'm bringing them on tonight

E: I know, I insist on bringing these on, I now gotta travel with anywhere I go!
[Ewan comes on with two bags, one green shopper with fragile sticker and a black plastic bag]

R: how do, how do....

E: they've got fragile on it!

R: He wears them like earrings. Yeah and Ewan is gonna show his Emmies that he won in America, that he carries in.....

Ew: Which he carries about in a Styrofoam box!
[Ewan takes out box from black bag]

E: Yeah, it's a box....

R: Did the box come for you or did you have to pay extra?

E: The box!
is completely free and I....

Ew: Can I touch your Emmy?

E: Yeah

R: You say that to all the gurls [squeaky Styrofoam] That's a nice noise.......there's once, and you won it for....?

E: Best shoe, shoe salesman!

R: You love me, you love me! [pretends to be a luvvy] What did you say?

[picks up Emmy from Ruby]
E: I didn't say anything I was in Vienna, watching it, listening to it on a cell phone. [mimes phone] on a cell phone? On a mobile phone, I've been talking to Americans!

Ew: Get the waiter for these!

E: On a mobile phone, and errrr....

Ew: He's the props man!
[Ewan takes out 2nd Emmy from green bag]

E: Ummm

Ew: There' s the other one now, Emmy number 2

R: Is this, like, each orifice wins one, how did you win two, it's only for one man?

E: Oh, best performing and best writing [sounds carefree about them and dismissive]

R: Oh, that old thing! [emphasises Eddie's dismissiveness]

E: Yeah

R: So, is this, does this mean, your a big deal in America because of these?

E: Umm I'm a sort , no, I'm still a transvestite with two Emmies and they go.... [chuckles as he speaks]

[Ewan and Ruby also chuckle]

Ew: Aren't we all darling

R: But you could wear them now!

E: All I think, I think all the agents there, shall we send this guy up, "He's still a fucking  transvestite you know, can we kill him?" And ummm....

R: Did they try to talk you out of the transvestism?

E: Well, what I....

R:  Did they try to talk you down?

[Eddie passes Ewan, Emmy]

E: Well, what I hoped they might be doing......

Ew: Can I just have a look at it?

E: ...is that they might be going ummm , "Guys, transvestites, I think is working, do we know any transvestites? Can we get ‘em out there?" You know, maybe transgender is sliding forward in a small way

R: Have you had, like, conferences with William Morris saying, "Hey, listen drop the dress!"

E: No, nobody's said that.....

R: It's not said in that many words

E: ...no, I think they just wish that, up front, but they.....

R: But do they wanna put you in a sitcom, now?
!

E: well, they've all said,"Hey sitcom," and I've said ,"I don't wanna do sitcom"

R: Right

E: so they say, "AAaaaaaaaa sitcom, then"

R: So you're making ‘em beg?

E: so I go ," No I don't wanna do that."   ....."A game show, sitcom, game show, a game show-sitcom!"

R: Hahahaha

E:....."a sitcom that's a game show that's a game. " aaarrrrrrr. " I don't wanna do television!" Arr, I dunno, so yeah.... ummm

R: Did you win an award? [to Ewan]

Ew: I won a lot of newcomer awards.....

R: Oh right

Ew: .... four years after I started

E: Where's your awards, you were gonna bring in yours [cues Ruby]

R: Oh , you wanna show mine?

Ew: Wait a minute, can I get yours?
[Ewan leaves table to get awards]

R: Oh go get mine. [Ewan returns to table] I just didn't like that Eddie showed his awards, ‘cos I'm so honoured in this country for my comedy, ummm, I didn't actually have any! So I got my awards from, " They call it Camp Agawak, in Wisconsin, near Venakwa, USA. Don't.... [Ruby breaks into cheerleader style singing a the reminder]

Ew: ha ha

E: It's, "They call it," not, we call it? But other people call it?

R: You know if I started my camp songs now, I would finish in like, two Christmas' from now!

Ew: It's whole....

R: "We Agawak girls, that who are we, in Menakwa, yes sirry, I'm strong for Camp Agawak, ‘A', ‘G', ‘A', ‘W'......" My career's over completely! [mimes and spells the Agawak intials]

E: We didn't have this camp thing at all, did we?

Ew: No

E: There's no......

R: This is for rifle.....

Ew:  There's no camp thing, it's ........

R: .....riflery... [shows badge to camera]

Ew: .....they used to do this, we used to have the corps.......

R:....and this is in America?

Ew: ...in Scotland, the kind of young army

R:...I had a young 8 year old child, it was very important to be able to shoot a rifle

E: Yeah

Ew: .....by training to be soldiers

E: Yeah, ummm

Ew: sorry, Ruby

E: groovy

R: and at 50 ft........

E: Is that National Rifle Association?

R:....I could shoot. Small minority people w!
ould run across our field at Camp Agawak and we were taught to and we had to line up every morning in order for our fathers....

E: But you could only shoot from 50ft away!

R: Only 50 ft

E: If it's any further away then they could just get away?

R: Yeah, no I can't shoot them, Okay so if a robber comes to my house, I say,"Come forward, move forward," I get the measuring tape out and then I can blow them.......

Ew: She probably pulls out an Emmy and says,"Come on!"

E: "Come up here, come up here, do you know what this is?" [mimes showing badge like an enticement or lure]

Ew: Come on, come on, come on and get...

R: This is my NRA, this is 50ft for my marksmanship it's using two rifles!

Ew: What, like that? [gestures a pose]

R: Pooow, poow!!

Ew: Like that, like ‘Annie Get Your Gun'?

R: Yeah, there you go there's my Rifle Association Award. This my junior...

Ew: Holding two rifles, how do ya do that?

R: two rifles, yes

E: Hold on, you've got one that's a marksman, but....... [looks closely at the badge]

R: So anyone who's robbed Jerry Hall is coming over to see me.....

E: Have you seen these are the same, these are the same! Except for..... [shows both to Ruby]

R: No, no, these are much more important
[continues showing her badge like a classroom show-and-tell]

E: one's got first class

R: No one's much more important

Ew: one's red, one's green and the red one probably means.....

R:.....and then this is my other riflery award, ha ha aha

Ew: Exactly. The woman's deadly!

R: ......the pro marksman, this means I'm getting better and better

Ew: Jesus, you're really good with a gun, aren't you?

E: You could be a hit man?

R: So now......

E: You could be a hit woman, with that?

R: so, no, you'd go ski, shoot or whatever, and would release the Pourtoricans and then we'd go poooooochkkk, like that [mimes target shooting]

Ew: Hahahahah ha haa ha [chuckles at idea]

R: that's why in camp, they could use us as boarders and we'd get summer holiday

Ew: Yeah

R: Ok that's enough.....

Ew: It's eff!
ective......

R:....about me

E: nothing gold?

R: and this is my girl.....

Ew: What is, what's the rest..........there's so many of them

R: Well, they were for canoeing but I really don't wanna take up air time,with my awards....

Ew: Ahhhhhhh

R: ‘cos Eddie's so important

Ew:......she lost her virginity to Robert!

R: No, I didn't, that was for riflery

Ew: we're on the sl............. oh riflery

R: and this was for.........

E: You were just a shootin'

Ew: Oh, she's American, it's guns

E: a shootin'

R: shootin', huntin' chick, and this was swimming [sticks "S" badge on her forehead]

E: My god, it's all alphabetical!

R: Yeah, this was diving [mimes breast stroke, for some reason]

Ew: lifesaving

E: Hang on, there's a letter here

R: yep

Ew: Only saving juniors, though. You could only save a junior? [Ruby snatches away junior badge, in shame]

R: so

E: You've got 2 rifle ones

R: so how many awards did you win?!

E: You just get letters?! [is getting increasingly amused this]

R: Yeah, you just got letters!

E: can't they do the whole word....is there some kind of literacy problem?

R: Yes, "Camp Agawak in Menargwa.....ummmm" [reverts back to childhood chants]

Ew: What's that? What's the shape for?

R: "I am strong for Camp Agawak......"

Ew: What's in the middle of that?

R: "A.G.A.W.A.K, the girls are the fairest, the counsellors are squarest!"

E: And what the hell is this for? [holds up monograph type thing]

Ew: Wisconsin

R: Camp Agawak! Give this back

E: Just for being in the camp?

R: Oh, I won't be mocked! [Ruby starts getting jokingly defensive]

E: The biggest one, is just for being in the camp!

R: I won't be mocked

Ew: What's that, A.W.G.A.K?

R: Agawak! da da.........

Ew: AK, it's done isn't it?

R: " da da up to you, the girls so take a walk!" Yes, lets put it away! It goes on and on! Ok that's enough

Ew: so

R: I could blow a ping pong across 300.....

Ew: Excuse me!

R: .....mile radius.....
[Ewan looks shocked and baffled]

Ew: this is a different kind of sport, sur!
ely!

R: No, there was a big ping pong relay, where your Jewish parents....

[Ruby and Eddie chuckle]

E: I can't.....

R: ...would say, " Ruby, blow!" and they would run next to you as you blew your ping pong ball against the other team

E: Oh, I thought, well, you were, not blow,....... [gestures an alternative meaning]

R: would I blow a ping pong ball........?

E: I don't know, maybe [cracks up in laughter]

R: not sexually, sportively

E: Desperately!

Ew: "Ruby, blow," your mum and dad go? [pretends to be ruby responding]

R: They did .........

Ew: "I'm doing my best!"

R: .......and I never stopped, I never turned my head! And what about Star Wars? [ruby tries re-direct before it gets too dark and sexually inuendoed]

Ew: ..........would be great, sorry.....

R: What did you do in Star Wars? Who did you play? It was a piece of Sushi, Coesh Cashka Noshka, Nashki Ka Kawashka! I looked this up but I forgot! It was somebody with a sabre, was that difficult to use? I can't, you know you can tell, I don't care!
[Ewan and Eddie chuckle at Ruby's struggle]

Ew: She's doing well!
[Ewan hopes she will get to his character's name, but may be disappointed]

E: You played Mr Kenobi
[Eddie serves reminder to Ruby]

R: There he goes
[Ruby acknowledges Eddie's help]

Ew: Thank you
[rewards Eddie's gesture of name-check]

R: And what was your motivation before you went on? Like, they're about to shout action, you're standing there in your outfit and you're thinking, something....

Ew: Once this take's over, it's a take less to do on the job!

R: that's a professional at work!

Ew: No, that's not true at all, it was a joy from start to finish [tries to be sincere]

R: Was it? He just did a commercial in Japan. [at Ewan] Do you mind me saying that?

Ew: Me? No

R: How much did you get paid?

Ew: How did you know that? [surprised]

R: Eeeeeeewwwwwwuuuuu [pretends to be psychic]

[Ewan laughs at discovery]
Ew: well, no ‘cos I was hounded by paparazzi photographers! I did this Japanese commercial......

R: What were yo!
u selling?

Ew: ....and the reason for doing them is that nobody knows, right. So in Japan, nobody ever knows about them! And so, day one, we got onto location to shoot the first day of my ‘secret' Japanese location outside Portland Street tube station in town, with no security, no lock-off or anything. So I was running down Marlboro, Marylebone High Street

E: Marylebone!

Ew: .......and the camera was on the other side of the road and I'm on, and I'm on the other side of the road, so six lanes of traffic and cameras tracking down the pavement and I'm running out going," I love you, I love you, I love you," ...... and there's nobody and I'm doing it [Ewan mimes running]

R: Is this the commercial?

Ew:....This is the commercial! I'm in amongst people.....

R: What do you love? Posters,Twinkies,what?

Ew: ...in the street. What? No, I love the person the camera's supposed/planning to be

R: What are you selling?

Ew: Ah, English Language School in Japan

R: You whore! [comical disgust]

Ew: Thank god, for that, thank god it's no like.......

E: That's not that bad! Is it? [laughs it off]

Ew: Thank god it's not sweeties. It's Anglo, it's English-Japan

E: Yeah

Ew: relations

R: [mouths/mimes "How much?"]

E: It's an international thing, man

R: How much did they pay you?

Ew: enough!

R: one million? a million  yen?

Ew: enough, none of your business!

R: Would you say no to a commercial [to Eddie]?

E: Yeah

R: You would? Yes, so would I !

E: Yeah, I have

Ew: I've said no to commercials, don't get me wrong but not ‘cos they're bad

R: Oh yeah I have to...

E: No, I think doing commercials......

Ew: I bought my house on a Japanese commercial!

R: Do you think, what?

E: I think doing commercials is great

R: They're a wonderful thing

E: I....

R: They help this country.....

E: no I think....

R: ....sell a product, that god, little people with arthritic fingers sat up all night sewing or mending. It's a wonderful thing commercials!

Ew: I'm selling the English language!!

E: Are you giving us guilt!
, here?

Ew: ..How good is that?

R: What?

Ew: I'm selling the English language

E: Yeah

R: That's a beautiful thing

Ew: I was a pride in that, the new, you know...

E: which, as a Scotsman....!

R: So a million Japanese are going, " Hey, you mother fucker..." [comical Japanese accent]

Ew: yeah, that's right

R: They're learning at the Tarantino School of English

Ew: and I do a sideline of Gaelic Schools, as well!

E: That's Gaelic Schools

R: You know what I love, I'm on my show, and nobody's listening to me , not even me! I was in a television commercial and I lost it and then I was fired, one day. And they said, I said," Where are we going next, is it Monte Carlo, is it Vegas?" and they went, and this was how it was delivered, " We're going you're not!"
Ew: Is that what they said?

E: they always say things to you like that

R: I know what it is.......

Ew: You were those cars

R:........to be Gloria Swanson....

Ew: You know

R: I was like the Gloria Swanson of the Corsa world, I go in," What do you mean I'm not going? What do you mean, what have I done wrong?"....

Ew: "Corsa, would be nothing without me!" [pretends to be Ruby]

R: people go nuts on film sets don't they, like they just go nuts ‘cos it's playtime isn't' it? Like, you're a child again, ‘cos you've got those dykey women [camera men laugh] [Ewan unsure of what she means] who go, "Ok Ewan, you've gotta be on set 22.09, come on, Ewan, move it!" So they're momma.........the cameramen understand me!

Ew: Well, err, that's......that must be

R: you know they have, eeuch!

Ew: That must be a...

R: "Move ‘em in, go on let's get those trucks over there, back ‘em up, come on Ewan!"

Ew: No, that's television, erm, we've gorgeous runners, in films, go on, sorry guys!

E: There is a certain, erm, film thing where you go."Okay, we've gotta trash this house, who lives there? Okay we gotta get ‘em out, we're gonna move in there," and there is a certain, " We're the film crew, you guys. Hey we're doing a film, here. And could you just move out o!
f this town...."

R: Yeah

E: ......"so we can set fire to it"

R: How do you like, emote love, you when you're looking at someone else?

Ew: How do you.....(does it start with a seven..)
[Ewan asks Eddie about Ruby's phone number and plays new guessing game]

R: Is there something up my nose?
[Ruby unsure of discussion between Ewan and Eddie]

Ew: seven or an eight?

R: What's that?

Ew: your phone number!

E: it starts with 020

R:221....., you know it [at Eddie] and all the viewers at home, all the stalkers....

Ew: 221, where do you live?

R: That's, where I live, no, no that's the beginning of my phone number

Ew: no, I need it! Oh alright

R; Ummm

E: hahhahaha

Ew: trying to pull Ruby on her tv show

R: That's okay ‘cos I'm no doing anything for the next....

Ew: that's fair isn't it?

R: .... eight years, after this show!

Ew: hahahahhhaaaaha

R: ....really, I'm free as a bird!