Bastards and Make Up
(Shouts) Hello New York!
So hi. Welcome to New York. Um, you probably live here, and - but I just thought,
you know: "Do that" in a bit of a weird way. And I need to speak clearly because
for the first five minutes you'll probably go (James Mason accent): "He's got
an English accent, I can't understand a word he's saying. How weird." And so you
go (American accent): "What? What? What the fuck's he saying? Shit he's wearing
a lot of make-up." But, you know, that's a third millennium thing, and you've
just got to swing with it. There's going to be a lot more guys with make-up during
this millennium. By the end of the millennium you'll probably find that you're
dead and… hopefully. Otherwise you'll be on your millionth face lift and… fucking
ratchet just like 'Brazil'. Yeah, so… and a lot more guys in make-up, probably.
Cause make-up's just crazy anyway, you know, cause native Americans used to wear
it, and it did all right for them until… until well, until you killed them all,
I suppose. In that kind of European bastard-like way. Cause we did it first so
you said, "Fuck, I'm getting away from you, coming here, and then we'll continue
that thing". It's sort of human, isn't it? Sort of human being complete bastards.
And 'bastard' is a northern…cause the southern word is 'barstard' in the south
of England, but the northern word is 'bastard' and it's much better to say 'bastard'.
(Single cheer from the audience) That's an accent… (to cheerer) Hey! North
So that's it. And if we say 'barstard' it's like "Ooh you're very posh, saying
your 'barstard' thing." Cause, cause 'barstard' means 'illegitimate child' which
used to be so important, didn't it.
(Poshy voice) "Good afternoon, I'm a bit of a barstard" You think Oh well.
But now if you're a bit of a barstard people go: "Oh, that's quite sexy".
And, uh you know. Cause at school all the kids who were: "Hello, shall I open
the door for you?" They never got shagged at all. But if you were a bit of a barstard,
or a bit if a bastard, then shagging aplenty. And I don't know what this means
but it's sort of true. You know, I just noticed it.
Hello? Lost you (writes on hand) "Lost them all. Had them, lost them" Ooh
I've got stuff on my hand.
So yeah. Now, the Pope: what's going on there, hey? Hey? What's he on about?
He gets out there, chatting away. Um, Pope John. There was Pope John, if you remember,
now there's Pope John-Paul. Ah, the next Pope's going to be Pope John-Paul-George.
And we can see where they're going. It's that more populist edge Pope John-Paul-George
and Ringo that's going to take off; he's going to have songs in the charts. (sings
rubbish while jazzing up signing the cross) Always, always checking their faces,
aren't they. In case there are flies, you know like cows use their tails. That's
what the Pope does: keeps the flies off.
(jazzy signing again) You get your… Catholics are good, Keep those flies off
me, I'm a Catholic. Fucking flies. Whereas Protestants don't have anything to
keep the flies off except a gun! Big Fuckin' gun!
And it's… you know, because the Pope has got stuck in that sort of 'I'm wearing
a tent' type thing. And he goes round in a Popemobile, and the only other person
who does that is Batman, who goes round in a Batmobile. Cause he's Popeman! (sings)
"Popeman! Popeman! With Altar-boy!"
"Quick Altar-boy, there are some sinners who need chastisin'. Leap into the
Popemo…" (dramatic music impression) "Put those candles out!" (mimes using strange
weapon to do this) Pssthou, Pssthou, Pssthou! "With holy water and Jesus disks!"
(mimes throwing samurai stars).
"Vampires! Look out, Popeman, vampires coming!" (4 more Jesus disks) "You
sure shot them out of the sky!"
Could be a whole series… with a lot of complaints.
And, um… All I'm talking about here is (sings) "Blasphemy, Blas for you, Blas
for everybody in the room. I'm just on a blasphemy and bla…" Six person joke,
that. There we go.
Philosophies with Strange Ideas
Yeah, because, you know, I don't believe that religions are religions. No,
I believe they are philosophies with some good ideas and some fucking weird ones.
So. So anyway John-Paul. Um… yeah, Johnny Paul: bit kind of knackered. That's
a word you can use when you get to Britain, "Ah, a bit knackered" you'll fit right
in. And the other one's, "That's a load of bollocks, mate! That a load of…" which
means bullshit. Bullshit, bollocks - very close in the B area of the dictionary.
But er it's kind of weird 'cause bollocks, that's crap, "Oh it's bollocks! That's
bollocks!" but if it's the dog's bollocks, that's really good. And, and bollocks
also means testicles, so if you're saying something's the dogs bollocks you're
saying it's the dog's testicles - but it is good. It's really weird, I mean you
can go up to the Queen and say "That outfit, your Queen, it's the dogs bollocks."
And she'll say, "Well, thank you very much for saying so. I thought it did look
a bit like the dog's bollocks." "Well it does look, and it is the dog's bollocks."
And she'll be happy as Larry, however happy he is.
Anyway, so it was… they're not very good at naming Popes as well. They had
a run of Piuses, it went like Hollywood. They had Pope Pius the first, the second,
Pope Pius the third "The revenge of Pope Pius". Pope Pius the fourth, "This time
he's pissed off." Pope Pius the fifth in 3D! "The body of Christ" (mimes brandishing
a communion host) "Oh my god, he hit me in the face with the body of Christ!".
But Johnny-Paul, he was, um, he was going down to Jerusalem. (American Accent)
"He went down to Jerusalem, man, 'cause it was the holy city for the Christians.
Also it was the holy city for the Moslems and it's the holy city for the, er,
for the Jewish people. It's a bit of a fuckin' mess down there." It is! Three
major religions, one holy city. Couldn't they have just spread it out a bit? "Look,
you have Akabar, we'll have Moscow, you can have Dover. All right?" "Yeah, lovely."
Bit of space. One city, everyone there. Nightmare!
Anyway, he went down there, and he was apologising for things done wrong in
the name of God. Shit that happened in the name of God. And we know it did happen,
like, um, during the second world war Pope Pius the 12th was supposed to apologise…
not apologise, he was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a (mimes quotes)
'genocidal fuck-head'. With bunny rabbit ears. Um, but he didn't say that; he
wimped out, and he's been renamed now, as Pope Gutless Barstard the first. Which
is good. They should say it's Pope Gutless Bastard the first. Then he did apologise
for the Spanish Inquisition - he said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to
be the Spanish Casual Chat. "Tell me, Don Miguel, tell me of El Diablo." "El Diablo
is an exciting character. He is one with the ladies. Why do you wish to know?".
"No reason, just a casual chat." But it wasn't. It was, (mimes operating a rack)
"Tell me, Don Miguel, tell me of El Diablo. If you do not I will play this barrel
organ for hours. (to the tune of 'Jerusalem') "Glang Gling Gling Gling… Gling
Gling "That was a barrel organ version of 'Jerusalem', which was a British, a
British Empire type song. It's a hymn, you know, one that we'd sing in church
as a kid, I used to, (sings) "And did those feet Boom Boom Boom Boom in…" you
know. And it's got really weird lines in it, and it was 'And shall my sword sleep
in my hand'. Not a good idea! You're gonna roll over and cut your bits off, aren't
you. And then it's that 'Godfather' scene of (holding things to his face) "Uhh,
Uhh, Uhh, Uhh, a head of a horse, and my willy." 'Should my sword sleep near my
bed, but not too close so it cuts my bits off.' That's how the line should go.
And, and it ends up with 'And shall Jerusalem be builded here on England's green
and pleasant land.' No! Leave it where it fucking is! It's in Jerusalem. It's
weird, we sing it. You know if you've ever sung a hymn you don't pay attention
to the stuff but it's saying, "And we're going to build it here…"It's all… What
is it, Jerusalem 2? The sequel? Fucking leave it there, otherwise people will
wake up in Jerusalem and they'll go, "What? Where? Where?"
Monkeys and Guns
Um, uh, yeah. So, so, so that was Jerusalem and..fuck, I was talkin' about
organ grinders. [Mimes playing organ grinder]
Yes, the Spanish Inquisition. 'Cause they always had an organ grinder with
a monkey, always a monkey on top.
[Dances, sings] "Bum, bum, bum, bum-bum-ba-da, bum, bum, bum, buh-buh-ba, I dream
The monkey was always the star, really. Ya know, the organ grinder, anyone can
do that. [Mimes playing organ grinder]
Even a dead person. As long as they were Steve Austin, and had their arms plugged
into the main.
That should work, but the monkey...that was a fuck..No music, the monkey [dances,
sings] "Bum, bum, I love you, I'm a monkey, oooh..."
And Charlton Heston...he, um, yes. Yes, he's had a few run-ins with monkeys,
hasn't he? Charton Heston, he did, he did Planet of the Apes, didn't he? And,
umm, and he not only played the Charlton Heston role, but he was also all the
monkeys, as well. That's what people don't know.
But anyway, he's head of your National Riffle Association, uhh. Because you have
a gun problem, and it's because America's worked too well. You've worked too well.
It was a good idea, freedom, ya know, the pursuit of freedom...happiness...pursuit
of enjoyment? Happiness? The [I have no idea what he says here], I don't know,
something. The pursuit of something.
But you pursue happiness. [Mimes stalking with a rifle, with American accent]
"C'mon, ya fuckin' happiness!"
"I found me some happiness, I'm gonna shoot it now!"
"You fuckin' happiness!"
"You come at me with those big fuckin' eyes, and..."
"Oh, shit. I shot my mother. I thought it was a deer. Oh, dear, anyway...well,
we'll put some antlers on her, and do a sort of Woody Allen-type bit of stand-up."
Umm...yeah. So, umm, uhh, yeah, so, the gun control thing. 'Cause we've got no
guns, Australia's got no guns, you've got 'em all. And you're the Roman Empire
now, ya know, there's no other superpower, so you're just out there and we can't
catch up. Europe could get there, but it'll take us a bit of time. 'Cause we had
it, the British Empire, and we lost it by going "Oh, do you think so?" and, umm...a
And "Oh, really? Have they?" There was a lot of that towards the end of the empire.
"Are you sure?"
Umm, uhh, where the fuck...?
Oh, yeah. Charlton Heston. So, Charlton Heston, National Riffle...Rifle Association.
Umm, and you have that saying, the, what is it? That "guns don't kill people,
people kill people" but monkeys do, too! If they've got a gun. Without a gun,
they're pretty friendly. But with a gun, they're pretty dangerous. And they wouldn't
be lethal, they'd just be [mimes monkey stumbling about and firing handgun randomly]
"Boomf! Ooo! Boomf! Ooo! Boomf! Ooo! Boomf! Ooo! Boomf! Ooo!"
And you remember in the seventies, there was all that, that work we done with
monkeys, the signing thing.
[Mimes sign language]
"Hey, you're a monkey!" [Mimes big ears]
"Yeah, yeah I'm a monkey [big ears]."
"So, what's it like, being a monkey [big ears]?"
"Not bad, not bad. What's it like being a human [flips bird]?"
"Can I have a banana?"
"No, I have no bananas. On this day."
"You have no bananas? Well, if you have no bananas, I'm not fucking talkin' to
you." [Flips bird, mimes something like a telephone]
"What's that [telephone] mean?"
"I don't know. I just ad-libbed it. Give me a fuckin' banana. Gimme a fucking
"Alright." [Mimes handing over a banana]
"Alright [mimes eating], what do ya want to know?"
"Well, how does the monkey community interact?"
"Ya know, in the usual way. Gimme another banana."
"No. No more bananas."
[Mimes holding a gun with one hand while holding banana in the other]
"I've got a gun."
"You didn't even sign that time."
"I know. We've been able to talk. We've been talking for years. But when you guys
turn up, we just go "Oo, oo, oo!" And when you piss off, we go "Well, he was a
bit weird, wasn't he?"
We have a posh British accent.
"What do you think, Samantha?"
"I don't know, I don't really like the sight of him..."
"Monkey see, monkey do, yes. I think he's more monkey-doo."
So, what I thought, ya know, is you give a gun to a monkey, and then let him
into Charlton Heston's house, and then you lock the doors and then film it through
And we'll find out [sporadic applause], thank you twelve people.
But we'll find out whether, ya know, it is the gun or they might have to change
the line to:
"Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do, too, brackets, if
they've got a gun, close brackets."
And, and the monkey, he'll be just [mimes stumbling and firing] "Boomf! Oo!
And you train 'em to reload, 'cause that's fair. Ya know, [mimes reloading handgun]
ch-cha, ch-cha, ch-cha. "Boomf ooo! Boomf Ooo!"
But you don't train him the full sort of FBI [mimes kicking down door, aiming
gun] "Bam! On the floor, on the floor! On the fuckin' floor! You got bananas?
You got bananas?
'Kay, where's Charton? Charlton in the other room? Alright." [mimes kicking in
door] "Got bananas, you got bananas? Are you Charlton? Alright, ma'am. Thank you,
So, uh, we'd watch that, yeah? "Tonight, Charlton Heston with a monkey with
a gun in his own house, film at eleven." Ya know, you have to catch that.
Anyway, that's why John Paul II apologized for the Spanish Inquisition. Because
Spaniards [mimes cranking the rack]Spaniards were stretched. They were stretched
with the rack. "I stretch you, Don Miguel, tell me...confess, confess!"
"What do you want me to confess?"
"Anything, anything at all. Whatcha got?"
And that's why most people in Spain are eight foot, nine foot tall now. It's true.
Anyone been to Spain? No. So there ya go.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades
were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well
as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle
pump and not much to do. (mimes lion signing) "I'm a bit pissed off." He was going.
And Richard, the idea was if he got stabbed through the heart he's still got his
lion heart going and that way he could live longer. (writes on hand) "They didn't
But they went down to get the Moslems out, the Islamic people out of Jerusalem,
I believe it was that. And they were hacking into them, "I kill you! I kill you
in the name of Jesus." But the Moslem people, "No! Jesus is a prophet in our religion.
We kill you in the name of Jesus." "Do you? I didn't know that. Jesus in your…
oh right! Well I kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford."
"No he wasn't! He bloody was not! He was from Judea, dark-skinned man, such as
we." "Really? Look, we've come all this way… Would you mind awfully if we hacked
you to pieces? Just for the press back home."
So I think a lot of battles happened that way, you know. Alexander the Great,
just steaming through Persia - took out Darius the third as we all know. And then
he ran on… (someone heckles) What? Who? Just shut up, will you. I know one or
two people have heckled, but I will kill you. If it's in the middle of a flow…
what was I saying? Oh, Alexander, yeah, Alexander steaming on, and after a while
his army's going, "Hang on. Alex, I think we lost 'em. You know, I don't know
where we live any more, and we've killed most of the people we've met. So would
you just like to chill out." And Alex is going, "Look, I'm 32, I'm gay, I'm on
a roll. Let's go!" On you go.
Jesus in Religions (Pt. 1)
Yeah, and Johnny Paul was looking for a coming-together, I believe, a sort
of, uhh...syn...synergy between the five, the major five religions, being: [counts
them off on one hand] Christianity, Judiaism, Islam, RCA, Sony. [pauses] Buddhism
Ya know, because apart from the two silly ones, they've all got Jesus in,
yeah? And I'm not gonna tell you about the silly ones...if you think, "Ooo, RCA,
yes. They're in the Middle East, aren't they?" And, uh...
'Cause if you can't work out what they are, you're probably the person in the
plane who watches when they do the belt bit. [mimes putting on a seatbelt]
"Oh, right, ahh."
'Cause if you can't do the belt bit, that should be a test before you get on,
"You know the belt bit?"
"Here's a belt, try it."
[mimes the attempt]
"Oh, fuck off."
Ya know, 'cause, 'cause if it goes down, you're gonna be the person going, "I
can't get out of it! I can't...where's...what's this?" [mimes reaching for oxygen
mask] How...strap it to me ear? Let me fly the plane!"
Anyway, Jesus, Mister Jeezy Bee, the historical figure Jesus, who was called
Joshua by the, or Joseph, by the, uh, the people, I think, and then Jesus was
the Greek name, or something like that...I was watching [again, I have no clue]
the other night. And, umm, and uhh, he was...he's in, he's in Christianity. Christianity
is his best film, yeah? That's, that's where he was the Son of God! Starring Jesus
as the Son of God! Where he said that famous line, "Take your hands off her, you
bitch!" [mimes robot walking]
And then, then he blew it out the air-lock, yeah? Or is that Aliens? 'Cause
they're very similar, Christian faith and the film Aliens. Very similar. And then
there's, in the, in Islam...Jesus is a prophet. I didn't realize this, but Mohammed's
top prophet, he's top dog. And then Jesus, like second prophet, he's like left
back, in football. And Mohammed's striker, he's going [mimes kicking a ball] knock
'em in the goal!
"Go, Mo! Go, Mo!"
And Jesus, like left back, "c'mon, c'mon" [mimes kicking ball] "Mo, take it
up! Abraham, on the left wing!"
This is football I'm talking about here, which you call 'bananas', and you're
reluctant to play.
But you play baseball. The World Series. And you've won every year - America's
won every year in that (gives a clap) Well done America! That's great! It's impressive
in a world event for America to win so many years, so well done to you! Maybe
one year a country other than America might win, but I doubt it, you know I doubt
it! And if you go to a game you have that thing going (roughly the baseball organ
tune) "Nah, nah nah nah, nah nah". Someone playing on an organ, going "Nah, nah,
nah, nah." And you do know that's shit, don't you? That is shit, isn't it? Or
do you sit there going, "Ah the wonderful tunes of our great composer Jeff Crap-in-the-head."
And obviously not the same guy has been playing at all these places. There must
be young people coming in - music students. (mimes music student arriving for
day 1 at the baseball. The teacher starts playing) "Nah, nah nah nah. Nah, nah
nah nah." "Well, I hear what you're saying, but what about (plays it jazzy) "Nah,
nah nah mena mena badaba…" "No, it's just 'Nah, nah nah nah, nah… (up a tone)
nah, nah nah nah, nah'. "Well I quite like 'bananamana." "No, you can't. It's
'Nah, nah nah…" "Well it's crap!" "I know - but no-one else has noticed."\
Can't you just kill them? You have the guns!
What's going to bring down America? If you look to the Roman model it's just
America. 'Cause you know, you've got all the guns in the world now. We've all
banned them, and you've said 'Yeah!". Even the IRA are saying, (Irish accent)
"We don't want any more guns in Northern Ireland right now, 'cause we had these
guns and…" Because they've been doing the agreement for ages… Do you get this?
Do you know there's other countries? Just checking. It's just sometimes you have
to go through a fair few channels to get any… "Meanwhile in Yemen - in California…"
Oh fuck! But yeah, 'cause in Northern Ireland, you know, the Protestants and the
Catholics were going…well the IRA was going, (Irish again) "If you just sign your
name on the declaration there we will be taking our hands off the guns right now.
If you could just put your signature there…" (also Irish (someone else)) "We will
sign this piece of paper if you'll take you hands away from the guns. Just take…
The signature is so close to going on to the thing, if you could just remove…"
(other Irish) "I've got my nail on the gun now, that's all I have. The ball is
in your court: if you could just take - put that ink into that thing. It's hardly
a nanometer away. If you could just fucking take your fucking finger away." (other
other Irish) "I'm dripping the ink down there, I'm putting the ink on - it's not
actually making any sentences yet but I'm… All right! It's all fucking off. Forget
Jesus in Religions, Pt 2
(normal but puzzled voice) What was I talking about? (slight help from the
audience) Oh yeah, Jesus, Mr Jesus (to heckler) I don't know what you said, but
So yeah, he's in that, he's in that. He's in the Moslem faith. In the Jewish
faith, Jesus is not quite in it 'cause the old testament ends, and he's right
at the beginning of the new testament, but he's just waiting there: (North London
accent) "Hello… Can I come in now? Can I just come in for a curtain call, you
know, just at the end? Ah, shit!". But I think the Jewish historians now do admit
that Jesus was around at the time. You know, he was, like, with the band. He was,
like, with the Pharisees… (North London again, trying to get into a club)) "Yeah,
my name's Jesus - should be on the list… Jesus, Jesus. I'm with the Pharisees.
Yeah, the Pharisees… Jesus, son of… Jesus McJoseph… All right, I'm on. Thanks.
Hey, how're you doing? Harry, Jeff."
And then in Buddhism he's a friend of Buddha! I didn't know this. He's a friend
of Buddha. He's like Buddha's baby brother Benny. Something like that. So that's
good. And Buddha isn't actually Buddha. I thought Buddha was the little - was
the big fat guy, but Buddhism means 'enlightenment' I believe. I don't know who
the fat guy is. And then there's a thin guy called Siddhartha, who started it
all. And it's not 'Sid Arthur' like an East End of London (does accent) "'Ello,
Sid Arthur 'ere. Apples and pears, dog and bone, the middle way, that's what I
think. Wotcher want? Couple a pound of raspberries? No problem, there you go.
Buddhism: take it or leave it." It's more… there's a lot more aitches, you know,
it's 'Siddhartha' with silent aitches and stuff like that in it. Which is great.
And then he's in Hinduism as well. There's 200,000 gods in Hinduism, and he's
got to be in there somewhere. And they've got gods like Shiva, the god of creation
and destruction, which is a good god to be. 'Cause you can go (sound of creation)
"'whomp'. What do you think? Do you like that? You don't like that? (sound of
destruction) 'whomp'". If you're just the god of creation you're going "'whomp'
Do you like that? You don't. All right, I'll put it in the garage". (looks around)
"Shit, I haven't got a garage. 'Whomp'" (puts thing in newly-created garage).
Jesus and the Dinosaurs
So in the Christian faith God created Adam in his own image, yeah? So that
was good, but 65 million years before that God created the dinosaurs using the
image of his cousin Ted. And Ted was not the black sheep of the family, he was
the huge fucking monster of the family. And there must have been God, I mean it's
not in the Bible, is it? It should have been mentioned somewhere around Genesis.
You'd think God would grab someone's arm - some scribe who was copying out and
saying (forcing scribe to write) "…but before that there were dinosaurs who were
a bit crap, so fuck 'em." Not in there, which could mean that, because dinosaurs
were discovered in the 1700's, 1800's, somewhere around there, maybe it is a philosophy,
and some bloke with a beard doesn't live upstairs… maybe. (sings) Blasphemy… Blas
So I think under the logic situation God - Captain God with the big beard
- he must have created the dinosaurs. And Jesus must have asked a few questions,
like "Dad, dad! What are these dinosaurs? What were they all about? Big hairy…"
well, not hairy, were they. "Big slimy bastards. Teeth. Small hands - what's that,
for playing piano?" Brain in the head, a brain in the bum! What's a bum brain
for?" (James Mason voice) "Well I'll explain to you, Jesus. What I did was I created
the world in seven days. Then on the eighth day…" (normal voice for Jesus) "Dad,
are you going to do this James Mason impression all the way through?" (mimes peeking
through blinds during applause) "Be quiet, you cherubim and seraphim! Sorry dad,
they're very noisy up here in heaven. I'll just let the blind down. (mimes this)
All right, go on…" (James voice again) "Well, as I was saying…" "You're not going
to do that James… Do you real voice." (high pitched weird voice) "My real voice
is a bit weird." "All right, do the James Mason." (James again) "Well OK. So if
I do this crap it's not my fault - no, it's not his fault." (Jesus is confused)
Er, yeah, but I don't know what you're talking about." "All right, forget that.
Anyway. On the… who am I, quick? Oh yes. Created the world in six days, and on
the seventh day, rested. Eighth day I actually rested as well. Ninth day, rested,
'cause I fucking had just made a world, you know. Tenth day, rested - actually
I rested from then on, really. Fourteenth day I decided to smoke all the marijuana
I had created, just to test the first batch. On the fifteenth day I decided to
smoke all the opium I had created, just to test the first batch. And on the 309th
day I woke up again, and I decided to create 500 huge monsters that I'd seen just
the night before." "Dad, did you have to make them so stupid?" "Well I didn't
know what I was doing, I was off my tits."
But then Jesus had to go down onto the planet Earth and preach the word of
the Lord to the dinosaurs, and he was not happy about that. "I'm not going down
there!" (James again) "You must go down there, that's your job. That's what the
son does." (JC) "Oh for fuck's sake! What does mum think of all this?" "Well,
I think she agrees with me. It'll be good character building stuff." "Just 'cause
she's an elvan queen." "What, Galadriel?" "Yeah." "My wife?" "Yeah." (pause for
audience reaction) "No-one's going with it." "All right, they don't know who she
is, dad." "No." "All right, I'll go down". So he goes down, and he goes in the
world and there's dinosaurs everywhere (mimics dinosaurs?) "Raargh! Wuurgh! Larrgh!"
Said Jesus, trying to blend in. And he goes into a dinosaur bar. (mimes batwing
doors) Soon as he walks in all the dinosaurs stop what they're doing. (mimes dinosaur
playing piano, turning to look, then carefully closing the piano lid) other dinosaurs
playing cards. (mimes dealing cards, sorting hand and finally bidding) "Rarrh!"
And Jesus says, "My name is Jesus, I'm the son of God - in one religion". And
he says, "I've come to read you the stuff from my father's book, that we're hoping
to get a publisher for. It's called the holy bibly. We may change the pronunciation
on that. But we think a bibly is what people should have. Have a bibly, sometimes
maybe in the future people have biblys in all the hotel rooms in the world. The
could say, "Look, look at the bibly." And people will pay attention.
"Anyway, these are just some ideas, you know, they are all rough, that my
dad had. 'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.' (dinosaur)
"Raarrgh!." "All right, we'll cross that one out. 'Cause they won't mind." (becomes
meek person who has just got the news) "No, no we're fine, really, that's fine.
Not inherit the earth? Oh, right, we don't need any…" (JC) "Do you mind if you
just don't inherit the earth? We'll do 'Blessed are the meek' and that's it."
"All right. Do we inherit anything?" "No. Well, maybe on old picture of an aunt."
"Well, we're all right with that, thank you."
'Cause the meek have had a hell of a time, as Python talks about. But you'd
think: the meek, they were supposed to inherit the earth. You'd think, No! They
should be having meetings all over the world saying. (angry meek person) "Well
I'd like to call this meeting to order. Has anyone inherited the earth? "Well
I inherited a car from my aunt, a Ford Cortina." "Well that's not exactly the
earth, is it, Simon? I think we should pool our assets and get guns. That's the
only thing people pay attention to. 'Lock and Load! What do we want? We want the
earth! When do we want it? Now motherfucker! (mimes machine gunning) Oh, you want
some do you? Come on you bastards, it's our fucking earth!" (film trailer voice)
"The Meek! They want it All!" (fast disclaimer voice) "Don't watch this film if
you are on IV prophane. If you're legs are nailed to your mother. If your jam
lives in your…"
"Anyway" said Jesus. "Right! I'm back here" said Jesus. "Yes… What about,
not 'Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth', 'Blessed are the
huge scaly monsters, for they shall doubtlessly inherit the earth - unless something
awful happens with the temperature."
And suddenly an archeopterix came screaming out of left field and took Jesus'
head off 'Floomp foodoomp foodoomp!' And Jesus goes back up to heaven with his
head under his shoulder, saying, (uses hand to mime speech) "Dad! Dad! They're
a bunch of bastards!" (James again) "Well what happened?" "Well, they took my
head off! I have to talk with my hand now… That's what I have to do noooow!" "Well,
what a to-do. I'll turn the world thermostat down to nought degrees Kelvin." "Minus
273 degrees Centigrade?" "You been at the physics books again?" (was accidentally
miming hand-talk) Ooh! Sorry, I thought I was talking with my hand. (James again)
"You been at the physics books again? Oh yeah, well, your stepmother would be
So he killed all the dinosaurs, God killed 'em all. Then he went down there,
and he took all the dinosaurs, and he put each one inside a stone. But then God
seemed to wait 65 million years doing this: (mimes hanging around not doing much,
singing scat) "Doo doo Dooo, doo doo dooooo, ba ba baaaa."
So that's why I don't swing with the whole Christian thing, 'cause it's got
this 65 million year gap that doesn't make sense.
And the universe is unbelievable. I mean our galaxy, the Milky Way, a hundred
billion stars - a hundred billion stars! We wouldn't count up to a hundred billion.
We could count up to a hundred billion, but we would not. They have clusters of
galaxies, and then there's big, big bits of nothing, so it's awesome, yeah?. The
universe is awesome using the original version, the meaning of the word awesome,
yeah? Not the new one which is sort of for socks and hot dogs: "Hey! Red and yellow
- awesome! You got red and yellow socks, they're awesome!" You know. But if they
were you'd be (gasps). I saw an advert for 'awesome hot dogs, only $2.99'. If
they were awesome you'd be going, (gasping for breath) "I can not… breathe for
the way the sausage is held by the bun. It is… it is speaking to me. It is saying
'we are lips and thighs… of a donkey. Please eat us… but do not think that we
are lips when you eat us, otherwise you'll throw up'." Which is true! It's awesome!
America needs the old version of awesome, because you're the only ones going
into space. You've got a bit of cash and you go up there, and you need 'awesome'
because you're going to be going to the next sun to us. And your President's going
to be going (American voice) "Can you tell me, astronaut, can you tell me what
it's like?" "It's awesome, sir." "What, like a hot dog?" "Like a hundred billion
hot dogs, sir. Sir, it's the dog's bollocks, that's what it is!"
We don't go into space, We don't go into space. You do. In Europe we send
up tin cans - that's no fun. It's got to have a 'ooh ooh' and tin cans we don't
care about, but you send people up, you know, and you send things to Mars… that
sometimes get there. (has a quiet chuckle behind his hand) It's just, you know,
'cause we didn't.
But you had the metric and the imperial system on the calculations. 'Cause
in America you had the metric system for two weeks, it seems, in the seventies.
Carter said, (very bad American accent) "Well, here's the metric system… you want
a metric system?" Not with that accent, but, you know. 'Metric system'. And you
seemed to go (mimes a hunter with a shotgun) "Hey, get out of here with your goddamn
Commie metric system. Comin' in here. Hey, see what we got? We got a metric system.
We got the outlaw Josie Wales with a metric system. Yeah, yeah, he's sharp. Oh,
you watch 'im. He's got those millimetres and centilitres - and millipedes. Full
of insects they are, Communist insects!"
And you got rid of it! You had a look at it… you sort of played with the metric
system like this (mimes stirring up something at arm's length, then throwing it
away). And all because of that this little machine went 'Zwoom'. All the little
microbes and all the little technological things in that thing going to Mars going,
"Wasn't that our turning?"
So anyway there was the big bang of course, the Big Bang theory: everything
exploded, we're expanding at this very moment. Then it's going to contract, come
back, and do it again. How many big bangs have there been? Seven! Well, you know,
we don't know. And the chaos theory. I go with the chaos theory, I like it because
shit happens, yeah? And that's the one that seems to explain it to me. The explanation
is: there's no explanation - 'cause shit happens! But with a sort of spiritual,
you know, thing on top. "Hey good luck." "God speed". "What speed is that?" "I
don't know. 45. Under the speed limit." "What, go slow, you mean?" "No, I mean
fucking fast. God speed!" (mimes planting foot and makes racing engine sound)
God with a big cigar, lot of hair (more racing engine and a middle finger) "Fuck
you, buddy!" I think that's God speed, isn't it? (sound of passing car) "Was that
Yeah, so the chaos theory, the god Chaos. I believe in the god Chaos - I would
believe in the god Chaos, you know, if he was around. I think he's not a god with
a plan; a god without a plan! A god going, "What? Me? I didn't know!" And he lives
in a caravan in deep space. "Do I? Is it? Oh, right. What? Just trying to make
a flan here, can't get the pilot light on. (audience applause) You don't need
to applaud too much in this. I kind of like it if on the video there's no applause
at all, and everyone goes "Fuck!" You know, just because sometimes when applause
happens I keep thinking, "Oh, I should go." But thank you… no, don't applaud.
'Cause at the Oscars, that's something American, you can applaud yourselves.
You shouldn't, you know, because the Oscar's going (American accent) "And nominated
is this guy." And he's there going (mimes applauding himself). In Britain we can't
do that. When it comes to your turn you put your hands and you nail them to the
floor. (British accent) "No, sir, I will not applaud myself". It's like carrying
out things in doggy bags: we can't do it in Europe. We just can't. Europeans come
over and you just can't. Because sometimes someone has one bite of a thing. "Ahh,
can you bag that?" And we go, "What? Ugh! You're going to eat that later? Ugh!
You're going to take it home? Ugh! It's just easier to say, "Could you just throw
that somewhere, against a wall.
Anyway, so, so yes, the god Chaos is there, and he has a son. The god Chaos
has a son called Kelvin.
"Kelvin!" "It's fucking freezing outside, dad." "None of your physics jokes".
"All sons have physics jokes, dad." (the audience love it, sort of) "They groaned
at that one, do you realise that? The whole bloody audience groaned, it's not
even a groaner, it's the weirdest fucking line I've ever heard: 'all sons have
physics jokes'." "Someone clapped there, dad." "Well just… ahh, forget it. Anyway,
I can't light this pilot light. Trying to make a flan." "Oh, you've just got to
lean…" (sound of explosion) And suddenly the whole flan went up. "Ooh, that's
the big bang, that's the big bang. I've done it!"
And the flan flew off in different directions, and gradually cooled and formed
stars with planets. And the god Chaos put arbitrary things upon them, like helicopters,
jam, radioactive peanuts, socks and spaniels.
But human beings: we've done OK, you know, over the years. We've made things
like the spinning jenny, the spinning arthur and the spinning bernard. And the
spinning jenny was more successful, but she had a hell of a time, "Hey! Fuckin'
hell! Let me go!" That's a fucking weaving joke. All the weavers got it.
Talk to the Animals
Anyway, but, you know, whales, they're intelligent. They do whale song. (makes
wah noises) We don't know what it means, but I think whales are travelling at
78. They're travelling at 78 speed, and if we take 'em up to 45 speed we'll find
they're actually going, (winds up from wah noise to sing…) "I love you ba-by and
if it's quite all right I love you ba-by, what a night, I love you ba-by, trust
in me when I say." Yeah, they're DJs you see: DJs of the sea! 'Cause sound travels
well in water, and they need a big PA to be a DJ but they've got their whole bodies.
Yeah! It works, doesn't it! (DJ voice) "This next song is going out to all the
goldfish down by the Azores. "I love you ba-by…"
So they're intelligent, and dolphins, they're intelligent, 'cause we all saw
the documentary 'Flipper'. Dolphin came up going (sound of ratchet screwdriver
supposed to be dolphin) "What's that? What's that, Flip?" (dolphin) "Chiang Kai-Shek
is having trouble…" (dolphin) "… Mao Tse Tung has taken over mainland China…"
(dolphin) "… Chiang Kai-Shek has retired to Taiwan with some of his followers…"
(dolphin) "… Where they will have a complete disregard for international copyright
rules…" (dolphin) "… Is that what you're saying, Flip? Or do you want fish?"
Because every time, every episode of Flipper he'd say the same thing - always
having a problem (dolphin) "What's that? A boy trapped in a well? Trapped in water!
(starts miming playing charades really fast) Three boys, three boys fell out of
a ship, out of a ship. A small ship? A big ship? Two syllables - big ship, big
ship, small ship… sounds like…sounds like 'The Deep', a bit like 'The Deep'? Bit
of shark? Jaws? (Jaws theme) Daah dah, daah dah like that? What? Who? 'Gone with
the Wind! 'Gone with the Wind! OK!"
And they were all like that. There was 'Skippy', (kangaroo noise, like tut-tutting)
"What's that Skip? A boy trapped, drowning in the desert? Drowning in the desert?
Ill? He's in a sandy place? (kangaroo) "What? He's ill, he's got a bad leg? (more
kangaroo) "What? 'Gone with the Wind?" And 'Lassie' as well. (barking sound) "Woh
woh woh." "What's that…" You know, Lassie, Flippie, Skippy, all that 'e' sound.
Except for Flipper. It was supposed to be 'Slippie', you know, but they fucked
it up. Bastards! Anyway.
And then there was seals. Seals are not intelligent, you know - woah, I'm
not sure, but they're good with balls, aren't they! Seals are good with balls,
and there's no logic of it. There are no balls in their natural environment, in
Antarctic, the Arctic, the allararctic, ta ta tarctic, arcticartic, latalarctic.
There's just no fucking balls there, are there? There's no… they flip out onto
the thingy, you know, the ice floe, and they're not going, "Where's me ball, eh?"
But in an aquarium, in a dolphinarium, in a sealarium, they're fucking amazing
(mimes great football ball control skill) "Goal!"
But you never see a seal that's bad, do you? You never see a seal go, (mimes
seal with poor co-ordination missing easy passes) "Yeah, yeah, oh. All right.
Sorry I didn't… It's just not my thing. Count three then I'll…" They're just phenomenal.
I think that was god or mother nature or the god Chaos saying (James Mason) "OK.
Seals: give them blubber to keep them warm, fins to move 'em along, slippery slidy
shape. Good with balls I think I'll put in here!"
And it could be other animals have secret things they're good at. Like tigers
might be good with banjos. No one's thrown a banjo to a tiger. (mimes tiger trying
a banjo, and being a natural) Plunk plunk plunk… (breaks into fast bluegrassy
thing and sings in hillbilly voice) "Woah! I'm a tiger." So that's seals.
And swans can kill you with their arms, apparently, but I don't know how they
do it because it doesn't quite work (mimes odd karate). I think it's their beaks.
I think they sharpen their beaks and then "Whoomp!" they take your head off.
Mad European Cows
And cows, our British cows, the old ones, they could kill because they had
the mad cow disease, you know. We found they went mad, they went totally mad,
because they were fed cows. They were supposed to eat grass, yeah… remember that:
'Cow eat Grass'. But they were being fed cows. A cow was fed to a cow, and that
cow was fed to another cow, that cow was fed to another cow. And just like the
Russian doll thing instead of a herd of cows you had one huge Zeppelin cow. Who
was mad! And then the farmer filled that cow full of helium and took it to market
on a string. Just to show off. And cows are herbivores, they don't even eat vegetables,
they just eat herbs. Parsley, sage rosemary and thyme.
Because they chew the cud, yeah, they chew the cud. They take food in, they
partly digest it; they bring it back up as sick and they chew that. But you know
what sick tastes like when it comes… you know, when it goes 'eeugh!' But they
never show that in their eyes, do they? (mimes poker face chewing) Whereas if
we were chewing we'd be going… (mimes chewer who is not happy with cud at all)
But they, they've got discipline, cows, they're trained. They're just like dancers
in that way, yeah? Dancers, again, they don't show it in the eyes, but this is
when they're on point, you know. The pain, the strength… Keep that strong thing.
Not… they don't chew their own sick, dancers. It's just the discipline thing.
Cows and dancers are very… OK, it's a bit weird, but it's true.
So anyway we killed all our cows. We had three cows left in Britain who were
not mad, "Are you mad?" "No, sir!" "Count up to ten in German." "Eins, swei, drei,
fier, funf, sex, seiben, acht, noin, zen." "Count down from seven in French."
"Ahh, shit! Sept, six, cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un!" "Yes, well done! You cows
are not mad. And you're fit and healthy enough to be shot for food."
So cows were back on sale, well, beef. And the European government said 'yes'
to British beef, but the French government, being kind of French (and I do like
the French but they can be kind of French) they said, (outrageous French accent)
"Well we have our own scientists, and even though we are supposed to obey the
European government we don't want to, because we don't like your beef no way no
how. And I don't know what you've done, you cook it really badly, you know. And
we call you British people the 'rosbifs' and that's very funny."
So, a huge war of words, that old hatred thing, the hatred between the English
and the French, it was dug up again. Because it's a historical thing, up to the
nineteenth century the English hated the French. Then in the twentieth century
the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through
the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the
Hungarians are pissing us off.
But yeah, and it was all this thing going on, the right wing papers in Britain,
they loved it because you could sell all these papers, (pompous English voice)
"You Frenchy Froggy, Froggy Frenchy. Our beefy, lovely beefy. You Frenchy Froggy!"
This was a Times editorial piece.
And then someone found out the French cows eat sewage, they are fed sewage.
Poo! They eat poo! And they've got four stomachs, cows, so surely one of those
stomachs is going to go, "Hang on, I've seen this shit before!" Yes siree bobby!
Hatred and Sharks
So, oh it was awful. All this shouting and screaming. So I was asking the
audience, this hatred thing, a very powerful thing - a lot of wars have been fought
with hatred. A lot of battles've been fought, not just because they've 'come all
this way' but hatred's the engine there. So I was saying to the English, "Do you
hate the French?" They were, "Yeah, we hate the French!" "So what about the Welsh?"
"Oh yeah, we hate them!" "Why?" "No reason!" "And the Americans?" "Oh yeah, we
hate the Americans." Everyone hated the Americans. Sorry about that, I just thought
I'd… Just passing on information, all right? I'm just the messenger, I am Joan
of Arc. So I can't tell you here, because I don't do active research - I do passive
research. The easier version where you let the research come to you. "Come on,
research. Come on, research." With the tele-control, "Come on… Oh, a programme
about sharks." And then I know about sharks, you know. I know if you kiss 'em
it disarms them, that's what I know. Apparently. So you can take that with you.
Next time you're sliding down a shark's gullet then just give 'em a big snog on
the nose. You know, as a last resort. It may work. And he may go (mimes shark
spitting you out) "Bye bye, Mr Sharkey!" Or 'Toothy'. They never had, like Flipper,
they never had the shark that did that, did they? (makes grinding shark noise)
"What's that, Sharky? Three boys fell out of a boat? They're drowning? You've
already eaten them? You're no fucking good, are you? Bugger off!" (sings) "Sharky
the friendly shark, but not too friendly."
So, yeah, then there was the Greeks. Socrates, he was great. He invented questioning.
Before Socrates everyone sort of went, "Yeah, suppose so." So after Socrates,
he taught Plato who's, I'm sure, in a documentary somewhere and he taught Aristotle.
Aristotle, said "The sun goes around the Earth" Wrong! Wrong! But in his day you
didn't have to prove a theory. You know, nowadays if you say, "I think that soot
is the elixir of life, if mixed with water," then you have to say, "Well, prove
it!" "I will prove it, with string and iodine and a note from my mother." But
in Aristotle's time you could say, "the sun goes around the Earth" and they would
say, "Well done! That's a theory. Fantastic! Just a few photos, all right? Good
to see you."
And then after the Greeks there were… Well the Greeks, they invented the Olympics,
didn't they? Ah yes. In fact, there was the battle of Marathon. The battle of
marathon happened, and then this bloke, he ran 26 miles, the length of Marathon,
and then he said, "We won the battle of Marathon!" And then he dropped down dead.
Now if you'd lost you could understand that, 'cause the conquering army'd be after
you, and they're going to take out that next city, yeah? So you run, run, run,
"They're coming… oh fucking hell!" You know. But if you've won, surely you just
saunter down, you don't run. You get in the car, you get some naked people with
you, you take a lot of drugs, "Hey! We fucking won! Three nil!" And you live forever.
All right, so it's true but not funny, that's what you're saying. OK.
But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, in Britain we didn't do very well,
got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British
Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred
metres, "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me…I think I was here
first!" We should win that.
And then, performance-enhancing drugs are banned at the Olympics. OK, we can
swing with that, but performance-debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke
a joint and win the hundred metres and fair play to you! That's pretty damn good!
Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance, you know. Impresses
the hell out of me. So I think we should have a stoned Olympics, I think there
would be a… we'd like a stoned Olympics. If you get ten runners who are off their
faces it'd be great (mimes runner off face) "Hey you… Oh, up there, right. I was
gonna go down here…"
The stoned Olympics that starts… where people are tested for drugs, they are
drugs tested, to make sure they have taken enough. And if they haven't they are
banned from ever taking part in the stoned Olympics. They start off in Athens,
where a joint is lit (mimes smoking plus trumpet fanfare) a huge Camberwell carrot,
and then they run the three feet to the next athlete, (mimes handover of joint
with another fanfare). They've all bunched up, and all the runners are kind of…
(mimes people upset at waiting) … some of them already rolling their own. So there's
fucking lit candles going in all different directions, all over Europe. Until
you get to Amsterdam! Where the final athlete runs into the stadium and he runs
up to that crucible where the eternal flame is lit, and he gets in and falls asleep.
And then the special opening happens with all the colours, and brightly painted
children run out - having recently eaten hash cookies - and fall about laughing,
and everyone goes, "Fuck, it's amazing! I've never seen anything like this!"
And the Games are not like the normal Olympics, where you get up a six in
the morning and train hard and you run a race, but it's more you get up at two
in the afternoon, Get down the track, a monkey with a gun starts everything (makes
gun shot sound) takes out one of the competitors just for fun, and then you'd
get a slice of pizza and you're off, on the hurdles (mimes a hurdler with a slice
of pizza carefully negotiating the hurdles while eating). Each event would take
about three hours. The high jump, where people would be running up going, "You've
got to be kidding! How do you get up there?" Long jump: they run down, they fall
into that sand pit. Best shape wins. Pole vault: they've got to get that pole
and throw it over the bar. Javelin: a very dangerous event (mimes badly thrown
javelin spiking someone) "Oh, sorry mate! Nothing personal. Is it a clean break?
All right, do you want to just… can you run? If you run with this over there I've
won, you see."
And the final event would be the marathon, the traditional end of the Olympics,
where thirty-five runners from different countries run out of the stadium and
are never heard of again.
Highlights of History
But then… So the Greeks started that, but then the Romans came and they had
stuff and aqueducts and viaducts and Marcus Aurelius. And he wrote a meditation
on the Stoic principles, and the Stoics are great because you could poke 'em with
a stick and they wouldn't care (mimes stick poking) "Hey, are you a Stoic? Hey,
are you a Stoic… (mimes someone doing their best to endure being poked, but not
quite making it) …You're not a Stoic are you? You don't like…" "Would you stop
doing that." "You're not a Stoic. A Stoic wouldn't say do that! You don't like
it." "Just fuck off will you!"
Like the Spartans had to stand in underpants with spears, on guard duty. There
must've been some Spartans going, "I'm fucking freezing!" "You are a Spartan,
you will stand in your underpants." "I'm not a Spartan, I don't think I am a Spartan.
Genetically I think I'm a comfy man. I should be in an big armchair with an enormous
But then the Roman Empire fell - like this: "Ooh shit!" And we went into what
historians call the 'Stupid Fucker Period'. Where everyone was, "Aah, I dunno!
Is that a Roman Road? Can we eat it?" And then we had the Dark Ages where… "I
can't even see! Who are you?"
And we had kings in England like Ethelred the Unready. What did he do to be
called that? (voice of a lord) "My King, the ambassador from Pru…" (King) "Yeah,
just five minutes, all right?" And we had Edward the Confessor, a king called
Edward the Confessor. What the fuck did he do? (lord again) "My King, your stateroom
has been…" (King) "Yeah, that was me." "But they trashed and they broke…" "Yeah,
I think I did that." "But you weren't here, you've just come back!" "I know. I
think I came back early and did that. I was in one of my things."
And then it all bottomed out with the Renaissance period. The Re - naissance
(adds French 'r') rre - naissance. French for 'rebirth', renaissance. And that's
why most of the renaissance period happened slap-bang in F… Italy. And… but they
had a French name that gave them a certain 'je ne sais quoi', a certain 'savoir
faire', a certain 'détente' a certain 'Jacques Girac', a certain 'cul-de-sac',
a certain 'pomme de terre', a certain 'vie de la Dordoigne'…Fuck it.
Anyway, Galileo was there, Galileo, Galilii, Galilorum, Galilis, Galilis,
Galilis. Who was a declension. And he looked at the stars and said, "I think,
I think the Earth goes round the sun." And the Pope was overjoyed at the truth
of his words. And put him under house arrest for 20 years. That Pope has been
renamed Pope Shit-for-brains the ninth. But Galileo had his children. His children
would run in and say, "Galileo, Galileo, will you do the fandango?" (bops to unheard
music) "Thunderbolt! Lightning, and very very frightening. Donner, Blitzen, cabaret
schnitzen. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Fart-face… Smack-head. And Kenneth." Yeah.
But they were great! The renaissance period, they were active in many different
areas - pushing it away in many different places. Like, uh, who was that guy?
Raphael! Not only a hairdresser, but he did coffees as well. Michaelangelo, a
painter and a decorator. And when the Pope said, (Italian accent) "Michaelangelo,
I want you to paint the Sistine Chapel." He said, (working class accent) "Yeah,
no problem. I'll use these rollers, I'll do it in beige… uh, stipple effect you
know, and two days we'll be sorted." "No, you get me wrong. I want a picture with
the Holy Father, the Jesus Christ and lots of little fat kids with wings." "What
about beige, stipple effect, two days? I'll be out your hair." "No, I need a painting
that takes ten years to make, and Charlton Heston he do a film about it, with
different hair, and…" "All right, blue, stipple effect, two…" "You fuck, you keep
saying the same punch line. It does not work. You cannot say stipple effect! No-one
knows what stipple effect is." "Neither do I."
And then, of course, Leonardo da Vinci, who did the Mona Lisa with the enigmatic
smile, which is glum in fact, isn't it? That's glum! Enigmatic's just a big word
that's all glum. She's glum, she's… And they X-rayed the painting and there's
different earlier versions underneath it. The first version of the Mona Lisa was
much more (mimes very big smile). Happy Lisa! The second one was (mimes sexy look)
Sexy Lisa! And the last one was Moaner Lisa, "You fucking finished? Have you fucking
finished? Fucking - I've been here 15 fucking years…"
But he did other paintings, like he did that guy in the bowler hat with an
apple in the face, that's his. And the one of lilies which is all blurry, that
blurry lily one. And he did a couple of Pissaros, one or two Lautreqs.
And he also made weapons of war, and pictures of anatomy. And he invented
a helicopter that did not work. And so did I! Yeah, did not work! I accept your
applause for my crap invention. For it had a lawnmower engine, it was made out
of wood and string, and it went under water. My helicopter went under water… on
paper. But then the paper would get wet and, you know, a helicopter that just
exists on paper - it needs to fly in the air. And I'm trying to make this work
as a joke… and it won't.
But in that Venn diagram of helicopters that do not work there's me and Leonardo
da Vinci right in there. I think that's quite nice… (mimes the two of them being
buddies) "yeah well, Mona Lisa? No, I wouldn't shag her!"
Who was Venn and his diagrams? Was he the most boring child ever? (upper middle
class accent) "Father, I have my foot in your bedroom and also in the hallway.
As you can see from my diagram I am not only in the bedroom, I am also in the
hallway." "Venn, fuck of out of this house!" "All right, father. But I am outside
of the house but my hand is in the window and my foot is in a grapefruit. As you
can see from my diagram… (mime of patricide) Father, me and Socrates…both died."
Well, Socrates was killed - by his own people. He was, 'cause he questioned
everything. You'd go 'round his house, "Uh, Socrates. Nice house!" "What is this
house? Is it a house? What is a house a house? Is it made out of wood? Is it made
out of steel?" (not even believing himself) "Out of Steel!" (back to Socrates)
"Underground heating like the Romans?" "Just chill out, will you?" "If I'm out
of the house am I chilling out? Am I chilling in if… (Socrates gets it, but continues)
What is a sword? Is it made of folded metal? If I die on the floor can I get up
in these heels?"
Yeah! So. But the Renaissance period - it was good, it was good. It was active,
it was exciting for many things happening. Good film, you could make films out
of it, you know, because there's - there's sex and death, the Borgias, the Medicis
and Machiavelli wrote that book 'The Artist Formerly Known As'.
World War II
World War 2, that's probably Europe's biggest film: 'Saving Private Ryan'.
The Americans steamed in, of course, as you know, and they were looking for Private
Ryan, Private Ryan. Where was Private Ryan? It would have been nice to have had
a British soldier in there somewhere in that story, as we came in on D-Day, after
four years of war it would have been nice to show a British soldier. Maybe we
could just look 'round the edge of the frame, "Hello! Hello, I'm a British soldier,
this is a Canadian soldier here, Free French, some free Polish. There's Australians
and New Zealanders, there's some Indian soldiers, South Africans. All been fighting
here. What's the name for us? Oh, The Allies, that's it - The Allies, Hello, hello.
How're you getting on? Yeah, don't want to interrupt your film but, you know,
just… if you could swing the cameras over the lads all on Gold and Sword and Juno
beach would like to give a wave…A little bit of a wave there. Four years of war…
Dunkirk… The Blitz… The Battle of Britain… All that shelling, bombed to shit,
no food to eat. If you could just swing the fucking cameras over the lads'd like
to give a wave! You heartless bastards!"
We could have just wandered across the back of the thing at any point, "Hello!
There's some free French here. They speak French, it could come in handy, 'cause
you don't speak it - and neither do we."
And they were looking for Private Ryan. Tom Hanks getting pissed off in one
scene, going, (American accent) "Private Ryan? Anyone knows Private Ryan? Private
Ryan?" We knew where he was! All the rest of The Allies, we had maps with 'Private
Ryan is Right Here.' We could have told him any time, but would they ask us?
And they had that scene in it where a Nazi was caught. You remember the Nazi?
And he does that thing, a scene that we've seen before. He goes, (German accent)
"No, no! I like America. Please take me back. G.I., G.I., Hello hello. Micky Mouse.
Toot toot, Steamboat Willy, (American accent) Of all the bars in all the world
you had to come into mine. Play it Sam!" And you look at him and think, "He's
not a bad Nazi. He's probably one of the good Nazis."
But we've never seen the flip of that scene, where a British or an American
soldier is caught, and they're going, under pressure, "But I like Hitler. Ich
Liebe Hitler. Johnny, (sings) Johnny Hitler. Deutchland, Deutchland uber alles.
Underneath the lamplight by the barricade…" 'Cause we couldn't have stood for
Jesus and Man
Let's flip back to God, who has a second go at making things. And He makes
the human beings and he puts them on the Earth. But they start to worship false
idols and cows made out of gold. So he says to Jesus, (James Mason) "Jesus, you've
got to go down there and you've got to set up a new bit of Me religion. Supposed
to be a Me religion. They're worshiping cows who eat their own sick. I don't eat
my own sick!" "yes you do, but before it becomes sick!" "All right, that's a technicality.
Now just get on down there, and don't take any of that Pagan shit going on. All
He comes back 33 years later, "You bastard! They treated me worse than the
fucking dinosaurs! God damn it! They cut my head off, but they nailed me to a
tree for three days!" "Well I'm sorry, I didn't know…" "You knew all the time!
Opposable thumbs! You knew they've got hammers. They're fucking twisted, this
lot!" "Well, what happened?" "Well I went down and told them to hang out. I got
some fisherman to help me, and that was crap because they were all hippie fisherman,
going 'I converted someone to Christianity, they were this big. I thought it was
that big. Oh, it got away!' And the rich came up to me saying they wanted to get
into the kingdom of heaven. I said, well, it's easier for a camel to get through
the eye of a needle that it is for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven."
"That was pretty surreal of you." "Yeah, well, I'd been smoking a bit that day.
But the rich, they got huge blenders and put camels into them and made them into
liquid camel, and then they squirted them with very fine jets through the eyes
of needles. So they're all coming up now.
And then I did the last supper, and I gave them some wine and I said, drink
this wine - it is my blood." "You said what?" "I said, drink this wine it is my
blood. I was trying to make it a ceremony." "But that's vampirism! Vampiric thing,
drink my blood. You've got Pagan things right there on day one of the new religion!"
"Oh, sorry." "Why didn't you say, drink this wine it's a Merlot?" "Oh, yeah."
"Did you say anything else?" "What do you mean?" "Well, after the wine thing did
you say anything else that might have screwed things up… for ever and ever?" "No."
"Nothing at all?" "No." "Nothing about bread?" "Yes." "What did you say?" "Well,
I said, 'eat this bread, it is my… favourite!' because it was hot so they had
all those crinkly bits in it, and I loved it and… All right, I said it was my
body, OK?" "That's… that's cannibalism! You have got vampirism and cannibalism
right at the beginning… Oh, Gee! And you died on Easter, the biggest pagan ceremony
in the history of ever! (losing it a bit) You're going to celebrate the year of
your death in a different year, each year! Depending on where the moon is, for
God's sake! If they don't work out that's pagan I'll just eat my hat." "Dad, don't
worry. No one's going to work it out for 2000 years - until a transvestite points
it out in New York!" "Oh, all right." "Well, what would you have done?" "I would
have done cheese and wine. Cheese and wine goes together better. Eat this cheese,
it is my body…" "But it's Judea, dad. Cheese melts." "All right: eat this cheese
it is my central nervous system, all right? All right, all right, listen to this:
eat these chicken drumsticks, they are my legs. Eat these carrots, they are my
arms. Eat this tomato it is my head. And eat these oysters, they are my kneecaps."
"If you do that, dad, your holy communion is going to have priests going round
with lots of trays going, 'Who ordered the body of Christ, then?'"
But finally tonight, finally tonight I just want to talk about the future.
The future. Where will the future be? Science Fiction writers, they write it down,
they write it down in books. And then it becomes films, and then it all comes
to pass, like those doors in Star trek: (whoosh sound) we've got them now! That's
about it! But that's happened.
And they had 'The Empire Strikes Back', the fifth of the four Star Wars films.
He is fucking with us numerically, isn't he! "Children, count up to ten." "Four,
five, six, one, two, three, ten". No, it goes, four, five, six, one, two, three…
No, it goes: four, five, six. One. Two and three have not been made." "Two and
three have not been made! What should they be?" "What should they be? We do not
know. All we know is that there will be a big floppy character in it that goes,
(like Ja Ja) 'Brr brr, brr brr..' who needs a punch up the bracket!"
That's another one, that's the punch right there. Up the bracket. (indicates
face) This is the bracket, I think. I didn't know, my dad used to say it to me,
"You need a good punch up the bracket!" No he didn't, actually. He used to say,
"I'll smash you through that wall!"
So, uh, where was I going? Yes, yes, yes, so Star Wars, I mean they had the
Deathstar. Deathstar is a very… almost like a New York name, 'The Deathstar'.
It gets to the point. (American accent) "What's that star?" "It's the Deathstar."
"What does it do?" "It does death! It does death, buddy! Get out of my way… with
your centilitres and your millilitres, your fucking combine harvesters."
Sporadic laugh that was, (mimes weird laugh) It's like I've gone in and removed
some of your entrails... Ish, you know. Anyway.
Death Star Canteen
So, uh, yeah, but the Deathstar, the one thing about the Deathstar is that
there was no food. No one had food at all. No food at all! No one said, "Hey,
Darth Vader, Emperor, just nipping down to alpha beta 9. What d'you want? Couple
of sarnies? Um, chicken, ham, ham, chicken, egg, what? Coke? Diet Coke? What d'you
want? What d'you want? You weird bleeders!"
But there must have been a Deathstar canteen, yeah? There must have been a
cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and
go down (Vader voice) "I will have the penne a la arabiata." (canteen server)
"You'll need a tray." "Do you know who I am?" "Do you know who I am?" "This is
not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I
can kill you with a single thought!" "Well you'll still need a tray." "No I will
not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray,
with the power of the Force - which is strong within me - even though I could
kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin
bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor…" "No, the food is hot. You'll
need a tray to put the food on." "Oh I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry I, I did
not realise. Hah hah! I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death."
"Fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here." "Yes, but I am Vader, I am
Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader. Darth
Vader, I am Darth Vader, Lord Vader. Sir Lord Vader, Sir Lord Darth Vader. Lord
Darth Sir Lord Vader of Cheam. Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham. The Deathstar. I run
the Deathstar." "What's the Deathstar?" (Darth is losing a bit of patience) "This
is the Deathstar. You're in the Deathstar. I run this star." "This is a star?"
"This is a fucking star - I run it. I'm your boss." "You're Mr Stephens?" "No,
I'm… who is Mr Stephens?" "He's head of catering." "I'm not head of catering!
I am Vader. I can kill catering with a thought." "What?" "I can kill you all.
I can kill me with a thought. Just… I'll get a tray, fuck it!
(Still Vader) This one's wet, and this one's wet, and this one's wet. This
one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet,
this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet. Did you dry these in a rain
forest? Why, with the power of the Deathstar, do we not have a tray that is fucking
dry? I do not…(someone has pushed in) No, no, no. I was here first." "You have
to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, oh, penne a la arabiata, that looks
nice." "No, no, no. D'you know who I am?" (server buts in) "That's Jeff Vader,
that is." "I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader." "What, Jeff Vader runs the
Deathstar?" "No, Jeff… No, I run the Deathstar." "You Jeff Vader?" "No, I'm Darth
Vader!" "Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?" "I can't get it… No,
I'm… All right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!" "Can I have your autograph?"
"No, fuck off, or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne a la arabiata or you
shall die. And you, and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!"
(scornful server) "Do you want peas with that?" "Peas? You don't have peas! You
can't put red with…It doesn't work with penne, you don't put, unless you push
them up the penne tubes, and then they'd be weird! Just…(gives up) oh, all right,
put some peas on."
That was cut out of the final film.
Thank you very much. Thank you.