| 1. House of Apollo Hammersmith
Apollo! Once Hammersmith Odeon, now “Hammersmith Apollo”! Labatt’s Apollo? Uh,
no… Large drink, I think. “Hamburger Albert Hall-McDonald’s burger thing…” new
future of eating things. Strange, yeah? And Apollo, the god of the sun, Odeon,
god of popcorn and… Coca-Cola and Cinemas – I don’t know what’s going on there!
So welcome to the house of Apollo; tonight there are some cameras around, I hope
it doesn’t get in the way. If you’re really pissed off, then I’ll take them all
out right now! I’ll pull them out right now and just throw them in the street…
Good? Everyone’s fine. We’ll still just do the show cool; occasionally, the lights
might come up on the side, and you’ll go, “Oh, I can see myself,” and it’s that
we just want to know you’re still there. So there’s gonna be a few things like
that, but I’m gonna be extra funny tonight, just for you people – an extra 10%
funny. You can’t check, can you? (mocking sound) Unless you came in every night,
with some sort of log – “Well, this is funnier… fucking ‘ell!” 
2.
The Creation So – so… (singing) Comedy, big fuckoff room… I forgot
it now! Oh, yes – the Old Testament! The beginning of the world, the Old Testament.
That’s where stuff began, in the Christian version of things. Everyone
had big beards, big fuckoff beards in the Old Testament, and the deep voices,
(deeply and sternly) “Oh, I say to you… And the lights, and the clouds, and the
chariot, and the burning bush… Oh, beard on fire! Shit!” (runs away) Into the
Dead Sea… (sizzling sound) “Oh, a goatee!” Even the dogs in the Old Testament,
big beards, (sternly) “Woof, woof, I say to you. A biscuit? Thank you.” In English
comic books, “woof woof;” in French comic books, “ouaf, ouaf.” So God…
God created the world in seven days! A foolish brag, I feel. If I was God, I’d
say, “I’m gonna create the world over a number of days;” not sure how long, might
be a bit pressed, you know? Too much pressure, seven days dead! I’d just do it
like Microsoft: “It’s gonna be done by Saturday… Tuesday… next week… about
a month… We’re gonna bring it out when we’re fuckin’ ready, right?” I think God
was actually in bed, and his Mum said, “Get out of bed, will you, God? You’ll
miss the best part of the day!” (His Mum was Mrs. Badcrumble.) “Get out of bed…”
She’s just my clarinet teacher, all right? “Get out of bed, God, you’ll miss the
best part of the day.” And God, who is James Mason, said, “No, I won’t
get out of bed, Mother, because I haven’t yet created the best part of the day.
(mocking sounds) Can’t get me on that one! Boxed that one easy.” “Oh, you,
young scallywag! I’ll box you a bit later…” So then God created the world,
and the first day he created light, and air, and fish, and jam, and soup, and
potatoes, and haircuts, and arguments, and small things, and rabbits, and people
with noses, and jam – more jam, perhaps, and soot, and flies, and tobogganing,
and showers, and toasters, and Grandmothers, and… Belgium. The second day,
He created fire, and water, and eggnog, and radiators, and lights, and Burma,
and… and things that go “uuuhh,” and Colonel Khadaffi, and… Arthur Negus.
I think the third day, He probably got lists – “I can’t remember what I’ve invented,
now. I’ve just been ad-libbing so far...” And so everything sort of builds up
through the days, and you know, if you have a deadline, you know how it works;
everything builds right up to the end. I think on the seventh day, God was running
around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda! Sorry,
haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh, shi… done! Toilets
in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans… there we go,
whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that! I know, I’ll
put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…” The next week, I think, people
are coming back, going, “Rwanda doesn’t work very well; infrastructure’s
fucked.” “I’m terribly sorry, I’ll… put some more jam here, and… a mountain
of cabbages, and a radiator.” “Thank you, it’s just what we wanted.”
This is them drawing Rwanda back… (mimes pulling a cart) to lay it back on the
map. (mimes writing a memo) “No one got that. Never do that piece again.”
3.
Noah On A Speedboat So- so stuff happened! Yes, it did, it unfolded,
and Cain killed Abel, (mumbles) fatted calf, ooh! (thud), and then there came
a period later, I don’t know – a number of centuries later, where God said, “No,
no, everything is bad! I will send a Flood, and kill everything, start again.”
I think it was “The Etch-a-Sketch End of the World” basically, God going, “No,
no, no!” (mimics shaking the etch-a-sketch ) “Don’t know what that is, don’t recognize
that anymore.” Remember with the Etch-a-Sketch, when you’ve done a house… the
picture of a house, and then you have a little sun shining up on top, and then
you try to do a dog down here, and you have to leave vapor trails all over… (mimics
drawing , then shakes it) “Oh, bugger it!” So God said, “I will send a
Flood, 40 days and 40 nights, and lots of umbrellas, but I will save two of everything,
because it looks good on the seesaw floater. Two hippos…” (mimics motion) “Noah,
stop what you’re doing and build me an Ark.” And Noah, who’s Sean Connery playing
the role of Noah… “I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. It’s much
more exciting, a bigger engine in a speedboat, and you can shoot across the water
like that…” “No, Noah, I want an Ark; an Ark with a big room for poo.”
“Look, a speedboat would really kick ass, it will give great photos to the people
in The Bible. We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the side…
it’d be fucking excellent! Excellent photographs!” “No, you build me an
Ark. You can put a big engine in the Ark, if you want.” “Okay… I should
compromise.” So he started to saw up pieces of wood to make the Ark. (makes
sawing noises) That’s not how you start sawing, is it? You start sawing by going
(fast sawing noises). It’s impossible to start, isn’t it? Then you get into that
middle bit (more sawing noises), which feels good… when you feel like your Dad…
when your Dad used to say, “I’m just going out to the garage to saw a plank of
wood in half.” (sawing noises and thud) “There we go! Oh, Dr. Benoski on Sunday
television! ‘The Ascent of Man’…” (snores) Sundays with my Dad, that was!
No, you want a speed-saw, don’t you?, much more… (speed-sawing sound) Those power
saws, much better! But sawing has a difficult start-off, then it goes into a bit
of that, and in the end it goes back to (fast sawing noises). And after a while,
Noah realized he was actually punching a baboon! (more noises) “Stop hitting
me! (noises continue) Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep!” “I’m not punching
you, this is my mime! I’m sawing an Ark, I’m making an Ark. Get out of my mime!
I don’t want you in my mime.” “What have you got against baboons in mime?”
“Nothing, you can do your own mime, but not in my mime… not on my mime. It’s my
motto, ‘No Baboons in Mime.’” “You don’t know what you’re talking about,
do you?” “I… did before, but I don’t now…”
4.
The Tyranny of Ducks So he built an Ark, and that was great; and
he went around collecting two of every animal from all around the world, including
two baboons, one of them punch-drunk. (staggers) “He was hitting me earlier, I
don’t know what’s going on.” He was going, “Okay, who have we got here?
Two dogs – okay, two dogs, long ears, along the side, please. I’ll explain it
to you later. Two sheep – on you get, sit along the side, there we go. Two cats
- small ears, inside the boat. Two ducks…” The ducks are going, “We’re
not coming.” “Well, there’s gonna be an enormous fuckoff flood.” “So?
What’s the big problem?!” There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama,
because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea
to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating
ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.” All that in a
James Mason voice, (as Mason) “I will kill everything, except the floating ones
and the swimming ones… (mumbling) …a loophole. Sorry, I wasn’t here, I was off-stage,
in my trailer. Someone else did my lines.” So – yes. It is, anything that
can float – you’ve got bad ducks, bad geese, bad swans… (miming evil demeanor)
Bad ducks going, “quack, quack, quack…” (mimes gargling and spitting) They’re
the spitting ducks. You bad fish! (mimes fish) Bad pilot fish, with those little
lights on the top – evil pilot fish, really, really bad! Those that go down in
twos, and swim up to other fish, you know, with the little lights on the top,
and the other fish are going, “No, there’s a car coming towards me! Aaah! Hey!
Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish! I know your Dad.” (walking very erect)
That’s how a fish walks if he’s English. “You don’t know what just happened there.”
Yes… So it’s a big hole in the whole thing. I mean, with the humans, we
understand the idea of good and bad; evil and very, very good – saintly, I suppose,
but with animals? What, in fact, is an “evil giraffe”? How do they…? “I will eat
all the leaves on this tree. (mimes eating leaves) I will eat more leaves than
I should… and then other giraffes may die. (evil chuckle) I am an evil herbivore!”
(mimes the giraffe walk) It’s very difficult to be evil. “I will hide berries
where no one can see them.” (evil chuckle) But with dogs, we do have “bad
dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is
saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide,
war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?!
Is that a crime? People of the world!” “Well, if you put it that way, I
think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.” (mimes giraffe
walk again) That’s a dog owned by a giraffe. Yes…
5.
Death I’m quite interested in death, in a kind of… morbid way. Kinda
goes together. I mean, death just happens- boom and… there. Confusing beast… and
some people just have the life force; my Gran had the life force, she just kept
going, would not check out! She had three strokes, and she was paralyzed down
the left hand side, but she was still in there… (eager sounds) “God, I’m sticking
here!,” and the Grim Reaper must have been next to her, on her shoulder, going,
“Come, old lady, it is your time! Come… We’ll go to the Land of the Dead. Come…
We’ll travel across the river Styx on my boat! Two, please… One and one O.A.P.
What? Oh, are you coming?!” My Gran is still at home, “No, I’m not coming! Got
stuff to do, got stuff to do… I gotta sit around and talk weird for a couple of
years…” which was the unfortunate downside of the stroke thing, I mean, my relationship-
I kept visiting her, and I was her mother-in-law, her daughter-in-law, her brother’s
son, you know… it just shuffled around. And she was a very energetic woman, she
had- you know how, at a certain age, you got the Gran coat, the coat that Grans
get, they go around, and the cake on the head-type thing… “20 Rothmans, please.
Thank you.” That was me Gran. But the Grim Reaper must have a tough time,
because women don’t die, they just go on. Men just go, “65! Oh!” (thud).
“Come on! Where’s your stamina? (singing) I am a Gran/I’ll live forever…”
The Grim Reaper is there, “I could not get the women, they would not come. I got
the men, the men all lined up.” “Yes, thank you, we’re ready for bed! Can
we get pajamas, please?” “No pajamas in the Land of the Dead!”
“I was told pajamas in the brochure.” “I don’t think…” “Yes, pajamas!”
“No.” “Yes.” (argument continues) “Oh, I got your scythe, I’m sorry. I
don’t know what’s going on, it was a mime problem. There’s a baboon here, what’s
he doing here?” “Someone was punching me, I was just in the line, I don’t
know what’s going on.”
6.
Mystic Hopscotch And God is there, in the Land of the Dead, “Grim
Reaper, you could not get the women? (As Mason) You could not get…?” I’m sorry,
in my James Mason voice, “Grim Reaper, you could not get the women? What
was the problem? Didn’t you reap them with your grim-reaping equipment?” “I
tried that, but the women, they all know hopscotch! And they leapt over.”
It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women
know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and as
a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What
do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers-
1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout
with a skipping rope… (mimes skipping rope) in case the clergy came by. “Run,
run, it’s the clergy! (cracks up) Run, it’s the Pope and everyone.” ‘Cause
they do all that skipping stuff, don’t they? Young girls and huge, fuckoff boxers
are the two groups of people that have a joining line… (singing) “Jam, elephants,
peanuts, elephants jumping up and down… (mumbles the rest) Change!” (mimes changing
jumpers at skipping rope) And huge, fuckoff boxers are doing the same thing. (mumbles
same song and mimes jumping rope while throwing punches) I’ve never seen young
girls and big, fuckoff boxers do it at the same time… (mimes both skipping rope
and singing) The impressions here are kind of sketchy. “You have a very
high voice for a boxer.” (High voice) “Yes, I do.” (normal voice)“I
have a very deep voice for a girl.” So I was talking about hopscotch… Hopscotch!
This strange religious experience; all the numbers there, and there was one girl
on the course, they go girl by girl, they go, (mimes jumping hopscotch and singing)
“Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, Dormez-vous? “ I think
that was training for this, with the legs stuff… (resumes jumping and singing)
“Dormez-vous? Sonnez les matines…” And at some point, she goes, “Oh, no, I fucked
it up! Oh, no!” And boys watching would go, “What? Did what wrong? Fucked up what?
What did they do right? It makes no sense!” And then
it’d all drift off, and boys would walk over the course, “What
happened here? We should do an “archeolodogiogical” dig.” “We should
do a what?” “An archeological dig! My tongue got stuck in my back tooth…
checking for stuff.” Thank you, one person.
7.
Fill It Up With The Gobi Desert So that’s true, and then we grow
up and we end up doing things, the job thing, the career thing. The careers officer’d
come to school- I mean, I ended up doing standup comedy- was gonna be in the Army,
ended up doing standup comedy. Slightly different… slightly more makeup where
I went. Army’s only got that night-time look and… it doesn’t work for me. No,
it’s true! I like all that sort of running, jumping, standing still – “Oh, I can
see you in a tree! (mocking sounds)”part of it, so standup comedy- vocation, you
gotta go for that! You can’t just fall into it. And there’s others like
taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and
I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be!
“I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. (mimes stuffing an
animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got
in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.” They
should put more things in, not just sand, that gets boring. “Porridge, I’m doing
this one with porridge!” (mimes stapling the stuffed animal shut) Staple gun…
“I’ve done your dog, it’s is finished. I filled it with porridge.” (flop)
“It’s a bit floppy…” “Yeah, that’s porridge to you, you know? You’ve
got a two-level effect.” “I’ve got nine-level effect.” “Yeah, I’ve
done your cat – he’s with helium.” (mimes holding the cat as a balloon over his
head) “It’s a bit high up…” “Yeah, that’s helium, friend. There’s
no height restriction.” (mimes pulling on string) “Here.” (lets go of string and
catches it again) “If you grab it, you’ve got two controls.” “Oh,yeah,
I see it!” And the cat is going (mimes balloon losing air), with that
fixed expression… Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve
done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15
legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”
8.
Covered in Bees Beekeepers as well! Beekeepers, yes… They’ve gotta
want to be, “I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don’t want them to get
away, I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom… I want bees on elastic, so
when they get pulled, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me,
his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps. And their
footsteps were like this…” (runs away screaming )”I’m covered in bees! Aah! Covered
in bees!” ‘Cause that’s your job, isn’t it? They must lose it- beekeepers must
lose it occasionally. You know, you’re there, you’ve got the netting, you’ve got
2,000 bees… (buzzing sound) and essentially you’re trying to steal honey. (buzzing
continues) “Morning, morning… Hello… hello, knock-knock, coming in, hello… Look,
there’s a Ferrari over there- can you see that Ferrari?” (mimes stealing the honey
from the hive) “Yes, it’s very fast, isn’t it? Well, good morning, thank you!”
He must be walking back with all these bees around, and at some point, he must
go, “What the fuck am I doing? I’m covered in bees! Help! I’m covered
in bees!” And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like
people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you
know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do
you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know,
I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!” Beekeepers can’t
do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street!
You’re new, aren’t you?” (scared) “Huh?” “Do you want a cup of coffee?
It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…” “I don’t want a cup
of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!” “I like my women like
I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)
They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go
in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following,
“Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes…
9.
The Six Million Dollar Queen Mother And they have a queen bee, and
we have a queen bee in this country. The monarchy system gradually, over a period
of time, has fallen apart, but in Britain it stayed together while falling apart
at the same time. And the Queen- I think people become their faces as they get
older, they sort of look how they are, and the Queen is too severe. You know,
the glasses get bigger and bigger… she’s becoming an owl! Her glasses will be
bigger than her body at some point! And then she will light fires everywhere…
But she’ll live forever, she’s got the old woman thing, (singing) “I am the Queen,
I’ll live forever, I’ll never die, I’ll live to a million…” The Queen Mother!
(singing again) “I am the Queen, I’ll live forever…”The Queen Mother, she’s
amazing! She’s got artificial hips, she’s got an artificial arm, a bionic eye-
she cost six million dollars! (singing tune similar to “The Six Million Dollar
Man” theme song) “Paparazzi, 2,000 yards!” (bionic eye sound effects) “Off with
the tiara…” (mimes throwing the tiara at the paparazzi) “The Six Million
Dollar Man” was a bit slow, really- I mean, he had these amazing powers… “Okay,
Steve, you gotta go and get those bad guys over by the car.” “I’ll be right
on it, Oscar.” (mimes running in slow motion) “A little bit faster, Steve,
‘cause they’re gonna get away.” And you’re watching on telly, “Oh, I need
a cup of coffee now, this is taking forever!” (mimes making instant coffee) As
long as the music was going… and you get back, and he’s somewhere near the car,
isn’t he? People by the car are going, “Jesus!” (mimes smoking while waiting)
“Oh, he’s hit me!”
10.
The Royal X-Files Yes, the royal family… Oh, Diana died!
Diana died, and… everyone’s gone quiet, what’s going on? No, I’m not doing big-laugh
death jokes, I don’t do them, because it’s not a big funny area for me, but she
died and we were thrown by it. You know, I think some people were big fans, and
they were big into having a lot of grief time; and I was not a big fan, I didn’t
dislike her- I preferred Diana’s direction to the Queen’s direction; the Queen’s
a bit (stern look), Diana was a bit more (upbeat expression). So I preferred that
direction. But I think we were thrown because it was like a soap opera;
it was like a soap- front page for the last four months (mimes turning the pages
of a magazine), and it was so in your face that you had to be thrown, and it happened
one night. You woke up and went, “What?” It was weird! It was something like “The
X-Files,” ‘cause, you know, “The X-Files” is huge, it’s all over the world, and
you’ve got Scully-Mulder, Scully-Mulder, Scully-Mulder, front page, no clothes,
no clothes… And imagine if an episode came up a Monday night, at 2:00 in the morning,
and they killed off the characters, and you went, “What? How come they finished
that? I was quite- I was watching that… Just Monday night and they…?” It just
throws you, you know? With Scully always there, because she’s so, “Look,
Mulder, I don’t believe that Martians with big elbows are taking over the world.”
“There’s 50 lbs. worth of files – there’s tons of files on that thing; it’s all
here, Scully, you gotta read these files!” And by the end of the episode,
there’s Martians with big elbows everywhere! And she’s swatting them off with
a tennis racket, “I believe you! I believe you, Scully! Mulder. You know who you
are!” So- yeah, so it happened, and so there was a mother that died, and
there was a lot of sympathy towards the kids, one was 17, one about 13, I think,
that was understandable, and… My Dad mentioned something to me, he said- My Mum
died when I was six, my brother was eight, and no one gave a shit! Well, it was
interesting, you know, because you do- I mean, a lot of people die, people at
the concentration camps, and no one does give a shit, and there was a lot of focus
on that, so I don’t know quite how it all fits together, but we were thrown.
And everybody talked about it, it came on telly, there was Bill Clinton, there
was Tony Blair, you know, saying, “We’re sorry about this,” and the Queen said
nothing! Monday, nothing, Tuesday, Wednesday, nothing, Thursday,
nothing! Friday, it was as if someone was pushing her in the back…(mimes
being pushed) “Get off..!” It was as if Charles was there, going, “Get
on the bloody thing and make a…” “But it’s not Christmas, I’m not… It’s
not Christmas, I’m on holiday in Scotland! What’s going on?” And the problem
with the Queen is she doesn’t know how to talk from the heart; that’s what we
deal with now, someone who comes up and says, “Look, I fucked up at this,” or
“I did that,” or, “I’m trying to do this,” but she’s there saying, (solemnly)
“We’re very sorry about Diana, she died, um…” And you’re not connecting there!
I would have more respect for the Queen if she came on, and said, “Look, Diana,
she died, and that’s very sad, but you know, we didn’t get on, and she was heading
in a different direction, but I didn’t want her to die, and so that’s a sad thing.”
You know, out of more respect, she was upfront about it. She also said,
“Also, about resigning the throne, I’m never gonna do that! I’m staying here!
I’ve super glued the crown onto my head, and as I speak, I’m strapping myself
in… (singing) “I’m old lady…” She’s not going, is she? She’s not! Queen Victoria
was- she’s going for her record, I can see that! There’s a glint in the eye… Queen
Victoria was queen for… 2,000 years, and… She won’t resign, ‘cause what’s her
Mother gonna do? “I’m gonna be the Mother of the Queen Mother of the King of the
Queen’s Mother…” No, she’s staying there, super glued onto the throne! (miming
moving about carrying the throne) “What? I’m going on holiday!”
11.
Do You Think I’m Sexy? Back in the ‘50s, she was quite sexy, in
a sort of difficult to believe but yes… She was! In a kind of, you know, the ‘50s
skirts, “Hey, fancy the Queen! Got a picture of the Queen on my locker door, yeah!
Shag the Queen!” In the ‘60s, London and Britain was hip for the first
time since the Civil War! And the Queen should have gone with it, slipped straight
in there, short skirts, A-type Jag, cigarette… (mimes smoking while speeding)
The police coming over, “Hey, lady, you’re speeding!” “Fuck off,
I’m the Queen! Where to now, Phil? Read the map the right way, for God’s sakes!”
Prince Philip, he’s a cad! Has a habit of saying things like, “You’re all a bunch
of bastards! Was that bad? I don’t know what’s going on…” It tumbled out! I expect
him to go on one of these big ceremonial visits, with a bit of tape on… (mimes
having mouth taped shut) In 1986, I think it was, China, a bunch of British students
there, and they went up, and he said, “Don’t stay here too long, you’ll become
slitty-eyed!” Off the map, isn’t he? It’s just… even as a joke, it’s just so
stupid! Like no one was gonna mention it! Oh, what the fuck?! It’s like some ambassador
turning up and saying, “You’re all fuckers! Why don’t you all piss off? Your problem
is you’re all foreigners! Bye! Did it go well, you think? What phrase in particular?”
12.
Helen of Troy Back in olden times, they had a big royal screw-up
which was the Siege of Troy. There was Helen, who became Helen of Troy, but that
was Helen of Greek land, first of all; married to King Menelaus, and Paris
came over from Troy- he was obviously some sort of, “Hi, my name is Paris!
Queen Helen, let us kiss with tongues!” (mimes passionate kissing, pausing to
recover breath, and resumes kissing) And Helen went, “Oh, I fancy him!” And voom!
Next day, apparently, she shot off with him. And the whole Siege of Troy
began, which was some sort of myth that we had, but it’s true! They’ve found Troy.
A German archeologist dug it up, with very precise tools, and… “15.7 meters down,
I came in, I found it, it’s very precise, it’s here!” in a very German
way. We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort
of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s
kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on
live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s
men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We
found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”
It’s too slow for us! Our attention spans are short now, we need “Stuff! Things!
Happen! Quick! Quick! Change the channel!” We want not slow archeology – we want
“Speed Archeology!” We want big fuckers with diggers! “You’ve got 15 minutes
to find the city.” “All right, let’s go!!” (singing action movie theme
while miming digging) “Get the diggers in!” (mimes diggers operating) “What the
fuck? Get that skull out of the way! Pottery everywhere! What do we got, what
do we got?” And they always find in archeology “a series of small walls.” Every
time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We’ve found a series of small
walls, we’re very excited… I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They
were very small, and… a series of small wall people.” And then someone comes along,
very learned, with glasses, “Of course, the king and queen entertained here… 1,500
courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants
dancing hopscotch over there… A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks
and aqueducts into a heater…” And you’re just watching, and going, “You’re making
this up, mate! You’re just pointing at a series of small walls, going, ‘there,
there… Tutankhamen playing banjo in there…’ Don’t know if it’s true.”
Anyway, Siege of Troy- Helen had eloped with Paris, the Greeks got fucked off,
and they got in big ships and they went to Troy! And the Siege of Troy began…
13.
Achilles Footwear The great warriors were there – Agamemnon! Famous
warrior. Ajax! Famous toilet cleaner. And Achilles, immortal man! Immortal body!
Except he had an Achilles’ heel. What an irony! “What do you mean? I’m called
Achilles, Mum, and I have an Achilles’ heel as well? I’ll be a laughing stock!
Oh, bloody ‘ell!” Achilles must’ve gone into battle like this, (dragging one foot
behind) ”Get off, get off the heel, get off!” The Trojans, with crabs and lobsters
– “Get crabs and lobsters on his heel! Throw him the crabs and lobsters!
All the crabs and lobsters!” (painful cries) “Come on now, you buggers!
I’ve got my foot behind this…!” If I was Achilles, I’d put my foot in a
fuckoff block of concrete, for starters! And then (sounds of arrows shooting off)
arrows shooting off everywhere. (Guffaws) “Block of concrete! No problem at all!
See these swords here?” (mimes stabbing himself with swords) No problem! (mimes
chopping off his head and moving it up and down) (Taunting laughter) Then, in
a slight downside, he’d have a maximum radius after that. “Could you come over
here, please? Could you… could you come over here, please? Could you come over
here? I’ve got something to show you… No, I can’t show you unless you come over
here… Damn!” He’d have to put wheels on the bottom of the block of concrete…
(squeaky rolling noises, then stabbing sound) But we know trolleys, they don’t
quite work like this, do they? (mimes trolley moving about, then a stabbing) “Thanks
for waiting.” Much better it’d be to have a hovercraft bottom bit on. (makes hovercraft
noises) And after a hard day’s battle, he could get home and change from “blow”
to “suck.” (mimes using foot as a hoover) “Mum, the plug needs moving!” It’s
the noise that’s the best fun in hoovering, isn’t it? (sounds of hoover being
turned on and off) Until it breaks! “I’ve bust it, Mum.” Good strong hoovers are
good, good, strong… (sounds of powerful hoover) And sometimes you’re hovering
away, and it goes over and makes that funny noise (sound of something big stuck
in hoover) And you’re kind of hoovering, thinking, “Was that a bit of grit? Was
that a piece of money? Or is that the Treasure of the Sierra Madre? Must know,
must find out, must know what’s in it… Oh, it’s a bit of grit, damn!” But
it’s much better- power hoovers are better than those old “push me-pull you,”
no power… (makes sounds of manual sweeper) With the little turning brushes… (more
sounds) And the dust was saying, “What exactly are you trying to do?” “Well,
we’re trying to whisk you… whisk you into the (makes manual sweeper sounds again)” “But
we’re coming straight back down again.” “Well, I don’t know about that,
you know? I’m just a… (more sounds)” “Where exactly are you from?” “I
don’t know, man, I’ve got this crazy accent. I’ve no “idear”.” Yeah,
so anyway- Achilles was there, and he has… remember Achilles? He was there, and
he had this Achilles’ heel, and the reason he had this Achilles’ heel was that
all his important stuff was in there – his brain, his liver, his lungs, his spleen…
Everything was in there! The rest of his body was empty… except for potpourri!
Which is a genius invention! Someone said, “I will take stuff that fell from trees,
put underarm deodorant on it… and sell it to posh people! Who’ll buy it!”
“£50 a jar? Thank you very much.” “Thank you, one with a big ribbon… thank
you.” You couldn’t sell it to ordinary people, you know, in a big, “Sack
of potpourri, 5 pence a sack!” “That’s stuff that fell off trees!” “But
it’s only 5p.” Anyway, Achilles was full of it!
14.
The Trojan Horse And he died, and the siege continued, and after
10 years of siege, of the Siege of Troy, the Greeks got pissed off and said, “Right,
we’ll play one big, last trick on them; we’re gonna play this thing.” And they
built a huge wooden horse, 100 meters high, wooden, hollow, put some soldiers
inside, left it there, and they built this big horse, and said, “We’re going now,
bye! You’ve won, well done, bye! We’re in our ships, bye. We’ve left you a big
horse… as per usual, bye! As we normally do in these situations, we’ve left an
ordinary ceremonial horse. Bye, hope you like it!” It doesn’t make any sense
that the Trojans believed that! After 10 years, you’d be pissed off, wouldn’t
you? You’d leave some dog poo behind. “That’s what we think of you, you bastards!”
Helen’s still there. “We’ve left you a big horse, hope you like it.” And
the Greeks sailed away, to make it look really convincing; they sailed over the
horizon, where it dips down… if you’ve ever been there, and they just hid behind
the horizon. (mimes peeking out from behind the horizon) So they could get a good
look, they stapled fish on to their helmets… (moving up and down the horizon)
Then they’d turn the fish around… for accuracy! ‘Cause if you ever go to the horizon,
that’s where all the water tumbles over into a huge waterfall, and underneath
the waterfall it’s a cave, and in the cave there’s Daniel Day Lewis and Elisabeth
Shue, and a lot of Mohicans in there. Daniel Day Lewis is saying, “Just stay alive!
Stay alive and I will find you, no matter what occurs!” Then he jumps into the
shower. (mimes writing) “Lost everyone. No one understands…” Yeah, forget that. Okay,
so – yeah… so they left a big horse, and the Trojans came out, and they were,
“Oh, a big horse! Just what we always wanted! Hey, Helen, take a look at this
– big horse!” They should’ve checked to see whether it was hollow, ‘cause we know
how to do that. (solid tapping) (hollow tapping) “Hey!” (moving between hollow
and solid) “This one’s hollow! Get it open!” They opened it up, and inside there’d
be a lot of Greeks. “Hello! Are they gone? Oh, I didn’t set the alarm this morning!
We were just cleaning up.” (sounds of manual sweeper and hoovers) “Yes,
we’re Greeks – this is Agamemnon, I’m Ajax, this is Prince Philip of England.”
(turns around) “Don’t say a bloody word! Do not say anything!”
15.
A Play on Nativity So, the New Testament. The New Testament, yes,
that was a short bit of testament, I think, and it began slap-bang on 0 A.D.,
right in the kisser, which made the people who make calendars very happy. They
were going out of their minds, “So what, we go five, four, three, two,
one, 0, and then what? Where do we go after that? Year A? Year B? What? Call it
“year pdah”? Year “flimdieu”? Year “creamediu”? We’re just gonna make it up? What
are we gonna do? And A.D., who is “D”?” “Oh, I can tell you that, it’s
Domino’s, makes pizzas. So Domino’s pizza… I don’t know quite what’s going on.”
“We never even knew who “C” was, B.C., who’s “C”?” Anyway, they found out,
and Mary and Joseph and Baby G.… and they all came bringing gifts, “Oh, Mary,
Joseph, thank you. Good timing! Six days early, actually, so… But it’s Christmas,
so… spread the goodwill.” And the Baby G.. was there and the Three Wise Men came
from the Old Testament, with big fuckoff beards… “Oh, Baby G.! We have
followed the Star, which was a lamp post for a while, and we went around in circles,
but now we’re here. We got a bit pissed somewhere… Somewhere near Birmingham,
and now we’re here with presents. Baby G., we bring you gold!” (sounds
of amazement) “We bring you frankincense.” (sniffs, expresses pleasure)
“We bring you myrrh…” (undecided sounds) “Yes, I think that if you
rub it on the back of a duck, it goes quite fast, yes? That’s what… Or maybe it’s
a small banjo… If you can spell it, you can have it! How about that?” And
Baby G. was very happy… “Thank you, thank you for my Christmas presents…
and for my birthday presents?” “What? Oh, Christmas and birthday, isn’t
it? ‘Cause you’re born, and it’s Christmas… It’s two presents! Ah! You’re the
first! Are there any shops open?” Mary and Joseph, “Late night petrol station,
try that.” “Okay, yes, brilliant, good idea. We’ll be right back.”(mimes
running ) “Get out, get out! Get that beard out of the way!” In 20 minutes,
they came back – “Sorry, sorry… right, we’re here. Baby G., we bring you
20 cigarettes, a Diet Coke, and a sack of charcoal!” “Sack of charcoal?”
“They’ve always got them at petrol stations. Yes, very funny gag in England and
France… not in America, goes down like a lead balloon.” “What, don’t they
have sacks of charcoal laid down in…?” “No, they don’t have it, different
thing.” “So did you cut it out of the show?”
“No, kept it in, couldn’t
be buggered! Couldn’t be buggered! Just had a big conversation with you about
how it works in Europe and doesn’t in America.” “Oh, I see!” So,
yes. So Baby G. was very happy, “Thank you, thank you for all my presents now,
but stick around, guys, ‘cause I thought we’d do a Nativity play, since it’s Christmas…
Hey, Mum, there’s three of the Wise Men; why don’t they play the roles of the
shepherds?” ‘Cause the shepherds were missing, and the sheep were running amok
– they got there late, ‘cause they were trying to get the sheep down to the… you
know, the place where Baby G. was, and there was a roadblock ‘cause there was
a bunch of sheep running on the road, and they were trying to get the sheep through,
and it was… (mimes writing) “No one ever gets that bit.” You know how sheep block
roads, and then it’s normally a car; but if you’re trying to get sheep through…
good comedy situation, I thought! But it just needs this big, vast explanation…
“What’s he talking about?” So – yes, they played the three shepherds, the
Three Wise Men were played by a duck, and a donkey and Noah, who turned up- and
he was lead Wise Man. (As Sean Connery) “I’ve turned up, I’ve got the speedboat
out in the Sea of Galilee. Afterwards, if anyone wants to come for a spin… (mimes
riding on the speedboat) If you’ve got a big beard, sit on the side, and it blows
in the wind. Fucking fantastic!” And Mary, she didn’t do any role in it,
‘cause she was knackered; and Joseph played himself and the innkeeper, which was
very funny. “I’d like a room.” “Oh, no rooms.” “Baby G…”
“Baby who?” “The whole calendar thing!” “My calendar is getting
a bit…” (mimes writing) “Where’s that bit going?”
16.
The Swiss Guard So yeah, Baby G. was there, and he grew up, grew
older and died. And… the shortest version of that story, isn’t it? But he had
some disciples, (pronounces in French) disciple, in French, and one was
St. Peter. St. Peter was the guy who said, “I don’t know him, I don’t know him,
I don’t know him…” (cock crows) “Oh, it’s Him!” That’s the speed version of that
story, and… he left Galilee after the death of Jesus, and he came to Rome! He
said, “Rome, this crazy place, I like it here! It’s brilliant! Yes. I’m staying
here, all the kids on Vespas, no helmet, it’s brilliant!” (sounds of Vespa running)
“What a sexy place! I’m gonna stay here and be a Pope!” So he did, he became
the first Pope, and lots of Popes… and they’re guarded by the Swiss Guard, who
stand proudly in pajamas and funny hats. I think it’s a safety device, you know?
If people wanna attack the Pope, “Let’s get the Pope, come on…” (silly laughter)
They’re wearing pajamas!” (cracked up completely) “I can’t do this!” The
Swiss Guard has the Swiss Army knives! (mimes threatening people with a Swiss
Army knife) “We have the scissors! You have a thread there, I cut. Dans la
poubelle! (mimes switching elements throughout) No, small knife… big knife.
Small knife-big knife, small knife-big knife… I can see you, I can see you! You’re
upside down now! (makes sawing sounds) I do not know what this one is… And with
this one, I can open a can of beans in a week! (mimes slowly opening a can) Oh,
he’s escaped, he’s escaped! Quick, tell the cardinals!” All the cardinals
are having a big meeting, trying to decide a new Pope, all sitting there eating
marmalade sandwiches… marmalade on toast. “Right, you be the Pope.”
“No, I don’t want to. You be the Pope.” “No…” “Look, the toast is
burning, oh, no!” Black smoke going up… Outside the Vatican, at St. Peter’s
Square, people are watching, going, “Three Popes now? What’s going on in there?”
And the Pope, he decides who becomes a saint, and to be a saint you need three
miracles. There must be some really good people with only two miracles to their
names, just need that last, big, “Hey! Fish into baboon!”-type thing. And they’re
there, “Your Popeness, I have only two miracles to my name. My last one
you disallowed, when I turned wine into water!” “Yeah, it was not crazy,
it was back to front, you know, it didn’t really work for me, and it was my best
vin de table as well. I was a bit pissed off, I was.” “Well,
your Popeness, I have now a bloody miracle with me, this one’s brilliant, right?
Now pick a card… No, don’t show me, don’t show me! That’s fine. Now put it back
in the pack, let’s see… (mimes shuffling cards) Now I shuffle… where is it? Where
is it? Is it the three of diamonds?” “It is the three of diamonds! It’s
brilliant, it’s a bloody miracle! Okay, I’ll make you a saint. Well done, mate!
“Saint Jeff.” And here is your Vespa… (mimes riding away) ‘Patron Saint of Dangerous
Driving.’”
17.
Bird Dreams Yeah, we don’t have miracles, we have dreams. Those
are our own personal miracles. We all dream, we have dreams… Some weird character
on our brain takes over… “Oh, you’re covered in jam…” They’re always bonkers,
and we dream in color- some people have black and white dreams, they’re kind of
cheaper dreams, aren’t they? Need to bang the set before you go to bed at night.
And they’re so vivid to us, aren’t they? You’re there, and your Grandmother is
attacking you with a spoon, and the Pope is playing a banjo in the corner, and
you’re just totally okay with it! And often you wake up, (mimes waking up startled),
“It’s come off!” Those weird… (similar mime) I’ve been lying down- I tripped over
while asleep… (mimes tripping over) “I’m asleep? I’m not? I’m up?” And
people interpret them… you always have bonkers dreams – “I’m walking down the
road, and a man comes up to me, covered in jam, and he sings (singing) ‘Oh, I
am a man… hippo…’ And he brings me spoons, and his buttocks explode, and his brother
drives a small snail towards me, very slowly. What does it mean?” And their interpretation
is always very ordinary: “Oh, you didn’t get on with your Father when you
were a child.” “Why doesn’t it say that in my dream, then? What’s all the
bloody snail thing?” You never have a straight dream, do you? You never
say, “I’m walking on the road, I go into a shop and buy a Mars bar.” ‘Cause that
kind of dream will probably mean, “Ah, this means that you’re from Mars,
and your ears are made out of jam, and your brother lives in Kent, and his buttocks
explode to the size of a balloon.” “That’s very true!” Also, we
have flying dreams! They’re the best ones; you fly around… you never hit the light
bulb, do you? Just swimming ‘round… Birds don’t have flying dreams, they’d be
boring for birds. Birds must have… car driving dreams! (sings action theme song
as he mimes driving and smoking) “Hey, you’re speeding, Mr. Feathers!”
“Fuck off, I’m a bird!”
18.
The Nottingham Twang Yeah… and the biggest myth that we have in
England is Robin Hood. It’s not really a miracle dream, it’s a myth- it’s a myth
and a legend. Robin Hood! It’s our most famous English myth, and it’s been totally
stolen by Hollywood, so much so that Robin Hood has an American accent, always.
(American accent) “Hi, I’m Robin Hood. Where’s the Maid Mari-an? And the Sheriff
of Notting-ham!” “I’m a Notting-ham man, born and bred. I live in Sherwood
Forest. I’m from around here…” We wouldn’t believe an English-speaking
Robin Hood. “Hello, I’m Robin Hood.” “Nooo… You don’t have the Nottingham
twang!” And the reason why Hollywood films just killed us in Britain is
there’s so much sex- they’ve got sex, sex, and sex in there. “Hi, I’m Robin Hood.
Where’s the Maid Marian? Maid Marian, come here, let us kiss with tongues! (mimes
passionate, breathtaking kissing) Let us go and shag in my tree house!” Whereas
an English Robin Hood- “Marian… cup of tea? My tree house is being prepared… Up
the stairs… (mimes climbing a spiral staircase) Staircase. Yes, linen tablecloth,
you like it? Dutch linen, or what? (Note: Or could be 'Darjeeling, or what?')
Now these are my etchings…” Back in the ‘40s and ‘50s they took sex out.
I don’t know, the Noel Coward –sort of “Into Which We Serve”-type films… “Darling,
I’m off to the war.” “Don’t go, darling, don’t go to the war.” “I
must go to the war, darling, they won’t start without me.” “Don’t go, darling,
it’s dangerous- rat-tat-tat boom, and all those noises.” “I must go, darling,
it’s my duty as a Cockney man.” All the accents were really fucked, weren’t
they? “We, as East enders – we as people from the East End of London, the working
class of London, we must go with our strange accents… go to the war. I must do
it.” If that’s the East End of London accent, then what’s a posh accent? “(complete
nonsense through stretched-out lips), said a posh person to me today… He also
said, (nonsense resumes) And I believe him! It’s my duty to go. Little Johnnie,
little Susie, I’m off to the war.” “Don’t go, Daddy, don’t go.” “I
must go.” “Bring us back something, Daddy, will you?” “I’ll bring
you back a Nazi with real hair.” (walks away normally, then turns into a galloping
giraffe) Dick Van Dyke, he went for a Cockney accent. He sounds like he
went to Australia to learn it! (Australian accent) “G’day, Mary Poppins, yeah,
how you doin’, ma’am? I’m a chimney sweep , absolutely. Talking to Charlie today,
he’s a chimney sweep too! (singing) ‘I’m a chimney sweep, damn cool about that,
gor blimey!’ Put another tub o’ lager in the barbie.” That is an Australian
accent, check it out! And also, Robin Hood is a myth! It’s a myth!
It is not true; it’s based on bits of fact. His name probably wasn’t Robin Hood,
just… Bin! All natural, lived in a tree! “’ello, I’m… Bin, I’m Robin… give
us cash! Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I’m trying
to be a myth; give us cash!” “No, I’m not gonna give you cash.” “Go
on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?” “No, I’m… comfortable.” “That’s
not good, I cannot steal from people who are comfortable and give to the moderately
impoverished; that’s not gonna swing, is it?” “Well, it’s not my fault.
I’m just here in my pogo stick.” (mimes bouncing away) “Come back here,
you want a fight?” (sings fanfare, mimes shooting an arrow, but gets the onomatopoeia
wrong) “Sorry, I just threw a sword at you.” That’s a sword noise, I meant
to go… (sound of shooting arrows) I just went … (sound of sword stabbing) “Are
you firing swords at me?” “Sorry!”
19.
Martial Arts I had a fight, I had my own personal fight last year,
last November, in Cambridge. Did three good gigs in Cambridge, and then had a
fight… like you do! And… it was a bit weird; I mean, people shout at me, people
do- as a bloke who wears makeup whenever I want, as it’s my inalienable right
as a citizen, people occasionally say things, “Good on you, mate!” And occasionally
say, “What the fuck is this?!” To my face! To which I reply, (chuckling) “Oh,
you say that now! But how are you at canasta?!” Actually, I didn’t say anything,
but… So people do shout, and I used to just go, “Well, I supposed you’re right,
I must be a… “But now, I get angry! I get furious! I want to stick out for myself,
but it’s a bit stupid, ‘cause I don’t know how to fight! So there’s this guy,
and he’s going, (taunting) “Ooh, Tracy… ooh…”and I was going, “My name… is not…
Tracy!” And I go into Michael Caine impressions, which is a bit weird. (as Michael
Caine) “You are a stupid bastard, all right? Do not bloody say that to me! You’re
a big lug and you have no brains, so shut your fucking face!” So he went
through it, and I’m blocking, and blocking, which is, you know, (mimes blocking
punches) I was doing quite well, but he had four friends, and… they beat the crap
out of me! But in a fun way. And then I took them to court, and, oh, it was all
fun! And I won £100, it was just like… a very low pool’s win or something. “It
must be wins day!” So yeah, I got that, and great, ‘cause the people who
beat me up, the other people, I didn’t- if you’re ever in a fight, you gotta get
that, “Can I get your name and address?” Or at least what they look like… (mimes
drawing a portrait and taking pictures) “Quick Polaroids, lads! Quick Polaroids!”
Because I didn’t know what they looked like, so I couldn’t say, “And they did
it too!” And then they turned up as witnesses for the defense! “Oh, it’s you guys!
Okay…” And their line for the defense was… that I started it. That was it, I start-
like a bloke puts on makeup and goes out looking for a fight! (pointing to his
face) “Come on! Come on! What’s happening in Cambridge? Where’s all the fighters?
Come on! Fucking ‘ell, I’ll put more on! Come on!” It’s just a standard thing
that blokes do. So anyway, that all happened, and now I’ve gotta decide
which way do I go – either… because they could have had knives, guns… bazookas!
If they’ve got a bazooka, don’t run away, ‘cause it’s easier to hit someone from
a distance. Run towards them! And grab hold of them. (trying to shoot the
bazooka) “Back off! Oh, we’re both going together!” (explosion) So that’s just
handy in case someone pulls out a bazooka. So – yeah, either I shut up,
or I learn the martial arts, and I’ve always like the idea of learning a martial
art; you know, it’s an Eastern thing, it deals with balance, movement of the body,
speed, you use the other person’s weight and momentum… And it’s an Eastern thing,
in the West, we have no martial arts at all! We don’t have anyone- we just go…
(grunting, kicking and punching) It’s all martial and no art! And there
was that series on telly, “Kung Fu,” I think with David Carradine or Keith Carradine,
and it was always, “Grasshopper, you must not have a fight; that is losing to
have the fight,” and we’re watching telly, going, “No, go on! Have a fight.” And
it was always, through a half hour episode, (French accent) “No, I will not fight
you, I do not want to do that.” I don’t know why he’s French! “I will not fight
you, I’m French Buddhist.” But in the end, he’d always fucking go, “Oh,
fucking hell!” (mimes kung-fu fighting) And we go, “Yeah!” and have another cup
of coffee… And switch on “The Six Million Dollar Man.” But what to learn?
There are so many martial arts! There’s tai-chi- a little too slow, I feel. (mimes
fighting in slow-mo) You’ve got that Steve Austin problem… Jiu-jitsu I learned
from a book; I got a book when I was about 14 on jiu-jitsu, and it had all these-
learning martial arts from a book is weird, because you have all these (mimes
different positions from pictures) Fights never quite go like the pictures, you
know? There was one great bit that said that if you’re in a fight, you grab the
hand, you open these fingers here (separates the middle and ring fingers), you
put a pencil in there, and squeeze really hard. It really hurts! How do
you fit that into a fight? I do not know! “All right, you want to make
something of it? Come on, come on! Hang on a second… (mimes separating fingers)
Have you got a pen?” (mimes placing pen between fingers and squeezing)
“Aaah! Leave the tranny alone, he knows what he’s doing! Get out of here!”
And there’s judo, and kendo- Judo I learned when I was six, I was at school, where
it was compulsory in Wales. Kind of… a bizarre headmaster. (Welsh accent) “I’m
bringing in judo this year, as compulsory for everyone- from six years old upwards
must learn it, so that we can have a lot of fights with people in white pajamas.”
Or kendo, kendo is the one, because if you want to learn one is great,
because you have a lot of padding up your legs, a big body suit of armor, and
then a head mask and a bat. You’re way ahead! “I will fight you, but first
I must go to my car…” (hums while putting on body armor) ‘Oh, happy day…’ Right,
now, you where saying?” (mimes using the bat)
20.
Lawnmowers I’m a fan of machines as well, I like machines; when
I was a kid- you know how you have that spark of invention? I invented a helicopter
that goes under water! Bit of a death trap… But the spark was there, you know?
And the Grim Reaper, I think, should update. You know, he has the Scythe of Death!
But there was a point when the scythe was a very modern piece of equipment, just
after the Iron Age. People saying, “You’ve got a scythe? What the hell is that?
We’ve just got wooden scissors. (mimes using hedge scissors) Get Mr. Digital over
here!” The Grim Reaper should update; it’s 1997, get the scythe, throw
it away, and get a lawnmower! One of the big petrol-driven ones! (sounds of lawnmower
starting) It’ll look great, walking along- “All the dead people get in the bin
where the grass goes!” And then he could do those turns, like your Dad did with
the lawnmower. (mimes moving lawnmower around with blades in the air) They scared
the shit out of me! Because they were eating grass- eating grass, eating grass…
oh, no grass, no grass, no grass! They’d go spare when you took them off the ground.
And we had one, when I lived in Northern Ireland, and my Dad would start it up-
it’d always take three goes to start it up; I think he wanted to get a crowd.
He was there- “One-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne… no. (mimes adjusting knobs on mower) One-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne…
don’t think so.” (mimes adjusting knobs again, sounds of lawnmower starting) There’s
all these bits to adjust… And I realize, ‘cause I drive a car now, there was a
choke there, a starter there, accelerator, brake, radio, glove compartment… The
glove compartment is a lie in cars, isn’t it? You know, you never have gloves
in the glove compartment; you never open it, and 50, 60 pairs of gloves… gloves
everywhere, I’m drowning in gloves! Glove death. Inside the glove compartment,
there’s usually a bit of an apple, a cassette with no holder, and a map of Belgium,
or something, you know? Yes, we had the big lawnmower, it was much better
than the one my Granddad had, which was a “push me-pull you”, related to the cleaning
equipment of the same name. My Granddad had that little triangle mower… (sounds
of push lawnmower as he mimes using it) And the grass would go, “Oh, for
fuck’s sake! Stay down, lads, stay down. It’s just an air raid, no problem.” And
it’d flatten the lawn out, put it away, and they’d go “phhhmp!” (mimes lawn springing
back up) as he was walking away. And my Gran would be in the kitchen, adjusting
a cake on her head- “The lawn’s even bigger, Granddad.” That was weird, when your
Gran called your Granddad “Granddad, “and you were there going, “He’s your Granddad
too? Are you my sister? And you’re my Father’s Mother? What the fuck went on in
this family?!” Yeah…
21.
They Lie To Us Toasters! Toasters are good! Like them, like toast,
mmm… You’ve got a toaster there, but it has a turny-dial knob thing on the side…
and it lies to us. It does not tell the truth! For it has numbers from one to
six, and they lie… You set on four, you put bread in on four, and boom,
comes up three! Three! This is three toast, not good at all! Hardly done.
You set and change to five, and it comes up six! Six! This is six, all burnt!
All burnt! Scrape, scrape, scrape- oh, fuck it! Forget it! ‘Cause the toaster
is in there, going, “Stay down, lads! Stay down! Stay down, go for
the burn! No pain, no gain! No fish, no fowl! No socks, no shoes! No hair, no
haircut!” And the other toast is going, “What the hell are you talking
about?” “I don’t know… I felt like saying it.” I think, with toast,
it’s one and a half times for each piece of toast. Correct me if I’m wrong here.
Toast goes in, comes up; immediately, you don’t even look at it, you whack it
straight down again… and you wander around the kitchen with one eye on the toaster…
The whole automated idea is lost, as you have to… (mimes running to check on the
toast) ‘Cause the toast waits, and it’s going, “Wait, wait until he looks
at the cup of soup… wait ‘till he looks at the cup of soup…” And you’re there,
going, “Cup A Soup? Pot Noodle? Cup A Soup? Pot Noodle? Oh, no, it’s burning!
It’s burning! Oh, no! In the bin! And it gets stuck in there, and
you know you’re not supposed to put a knife in… But you’re an adult now! It’s
your toaster! You wanna live on the edge! “Get knives in toaster! Get knives,
and forks and all cutlery in the toaster! Use a whisk as well! Whisk, whisk, whisk…
Get it in! Take it and do it in the bath! In the bath! Turn the water on! Eat
a jam sandwich at the same time! Light matches, burn the house down!” The
same people who make toasters make showers… for they have a turny button too that
lies. For we know “turn-turn-turn” for hot, “turn-turn-turn” for cold,
but the only position we’re interested in is the position between there… and there.
One nanomillimeter between fantastically hot and fucking freezing! Everyone who
gets into a shower, they immediately become like a safe-breaker. (mimes safebreaker
moves) You have two positions in the shower, one position is this… (mimes safebreaker
stand) and the other position is that! (mimes standing away from piping
hot shower) “Aah! Jeez! What the hell?” (mimes getting in water, and moving away)
Aah! Stop using taps! Everyone in West London, stop using taps!” And there’s
someone in the same bathroom as you, going (mimes washing hands)… “Hey,
stop using taps, I’m in the shower!” “ I’m not using taps, I’m running
a mouse over my hands. See, we need a generator in the Ark, and the mouse is gonna
run around. Noah is downstairs with the Ark.” And Noah is shouting up
the stairs, (as Connery) “Hey, the Ark is double-parked in a puddle. We gotta
move on.” It’s true, it’s in The Bible.
22.
The Flight of the Volkswagen But planes are the big machines, the
great, big flying machines… I first flew when I was four months old, and I had
a really big problem with throwing up, so that must have been a really fun trip!
Throwing up is controlled by the inner ear, you’ve got three little bones in there…
(singing) ‘Three little bones in school are weird…’ And they’re called malleus,
incus and stapes, and they control hearing… and vomiting. Don’t know why
they quite go together, must have been God going, (as James Mason) “In
the ear, we should have hearing and vomiting as well. Yes, that would be fun.” “No,
no, vomiting for stomach – stomach-vomiting, surely… the control…” “No,
for you I think it will be fun… Then you can make someone vomit and hear them
vomiting too.” Which is why, if someone goes (vomiting sounds), you hear
it, and go, “Oh!” (vomiting sounds while miming a chain reaction effect)
And the inner ear sends signals to the brain, so normally you’re walking along
the road, and the inner ear is going, “He’s walking along the road, going up a
slight incline, turning to the left, going down… going down some stairs, with
a weird arm movement.” And I would walk on the same room, and the inner
ear was obviously going, “He’s in a tumble dry! Tumble dry! On a humpback bridge!
Tumble dry! Looping the loop in an aeroplane! Loop! He’s now gone into a barrel,
and is rolling down the hill! Rolling!” But now it’s cool, much better,
and I had to go- fly last year on the tour, which was from Cork to Belfast, only
six passengers, and someone turned up and said, “Well, we’re not gonna put you
on the 747 ‘cause that would be laughable… so we’ve got a Volkswagen Beetle
with wings for you.” We had our bags, you didn’t give them to anyone,
you just walked with them… (mimes walking with bags) Obviously, I didn’t walk
like this, that was comedy for me; I was walking like this (walks with arms down
the side of the body) But that’s a better mime position… otherwise, you just think
I’m walking. But that’s with bags, you see? In case you ever need it, you know…
in Nigeria… they’re big in mime in Nig- never mind… So, yes, I was walking
on with the bags, and going through, you know, this very small airport, so you
walk through a wooden doors, and someone goes, ‘Beep!’ “Oh, there’s a problem
there, I better check.” And walking cross the runway to get to the plane… you
ever did that walking with your bags across the runway to get to a plane? You
feel like “The Beatles,” yeah? There’s squealing girls, going (high pitched) “Aaah!”
We got there, the pilot was right by the plane, and it was just like going
on holiday with your Dad, he’s going, “Come on, come on! Come on, you don’t
need that!” (mimes throwing away something) “It’s my bag! Bloody hell…”
“Come on, get in! We’re gonna miss the clouds! Come on!” So we get in,
he was taxiing over to the runway… (mimes driving in reverse) “Come on, heads
down! Put your heads down, I can’t see! Come on!” And it was right there- I was
sitting right here, I could touch him on the shoulder; it was just like in the
car with your Dad, but even though he could turn around and talk to us, he was
still doing, “This is your pilot speaking… Welcome to flight… one, from here to
there, we’re gonna be flying at a height of 10 feet, going up to a height of 12.5
feet if we see anything big… Your copilot today is a thermos of coffee.” I thought
there was a rule in flying that you have to have two pilots, in case one of them
goes, “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” (mimes fainting) And the other one goes, “I’ll take
over!” (singing “Dance of the Walkyries”) “I’ve got one of my own!” (singing continues)
“Oh, right here!” People in the back, “I’ve got one!” We had a thermos of coffee
that was gonna fly us out! And he’s there, doing this stuff, this weekend
flying, and they have a word in airports- the airway industry, they have a thing
called “Bird Strike.” It’s when a flock of birds is just flying along, “Oh, what
a wonderful day! The sun is…” (sucking sound) They go straight through a jet engine!
It’s called “bird strike,” and it’s a misnomer, it’s not true, because the birds
are not striking; its an engine suck! The engine making bird soup mélange,
you know? These birds aren’t going, “Who is my bird strike, eh? Johnny
humans with these big metal buggers, they piss me off! I vote we go for a bird
strike! Alfie, Ginger, Stevie, “Feathers” Stevens, “Big Beak” O’Reilly, Jimmy
“The Penguin,” are you with me? No, you’re a penguin, so you just stay here… Come
on, let’s do bird strike!” (singing “Dance of the Walkyries”) “Faster, faster!
747!” (sucking sound) And just before they go through, do they go, “Look, it’s
Rod Stewart on first class!” (sucking sound) We don’t know…
23.
Death by Chocolate But they do the safety announcements there;
my guy in my plane was going, “The safety instructions – a little announcement
here, the safety exits are here… right next to me. If you see me go through
this door, then, please follow me quickly.” If you’ve been in a big aeroplane
recently, no one’s listening- there’s a problem, I believe, where no one’s listening
to the security announcements, you know, the safety things, ‘cause everyone’s
going, “Yeah, yeah… there, there and there, lights flash, flash, put the thing,
pull the cord, and death.” It’s a kind of, “yeah, all right, you know…”
But the pilots have been told to sort of kick up the importance of these speeches,
and they’re going, “No, no, please! Please do listen to the safety- please do,
because… because we changed things around, now, yes; you don’t know what we’re
doing. We’re putting the lifejacket on back to front now, and some of the safety
exits are false; they’re not true at all. And listen very carefully, because I’ve
got a bad feeling about this flight, I don’t think we’re gonna make it…”
After that announcement, everybody was going, “Show me, show me! Show me everything!
Right, show me again… That’s good… No, fuck it, I’m putting it on now!” (mimes
putting on lifejacket and pulling the cord) “Yes, I’ll have a cup of coffee, thanks.”
And they have these lifejackets, and you pull them and… (mimes jacket inflating)
And you’ve got a little pipe here for top-up. And I don’t know about you, but
I don’t want top-up! I want stays up! Top up implies hole in it, implies having
to (mimics blowing on valve and sinking) I want fucking stays up, no hole in the
first place, thank you very much! Bloody top-up! It’s all sort of “tea and
crumpets with the Vicar” – “top-up,” you know… You crash in the Atlantic, bobbing
around… “Oh, you’re a survivor as well? Care for a top-up? Couldn’t top me up,
could you? (chuckles nervously) No, I didn’t need it; I’m just trying to break
the ice… Hey, float over here, float over here… Look, two pipes- panpipes!“
(playing melody on pipes) It’s 2,000 miles to Europe, 1,000 miles to America,
you’ve got your whistle… (whistle sounds) A little light, going “beep, beep, beep…”
And after a while, a pilot fish comes up, “Hey, hey! That’s my gag! Oh… weird
people…” And there’s Noah, shooting around on a speedboat – (as Connery) “If anyone’s
got big ears, you can get in and sit on the side… photos, for The Bible!”
So I was in my aeroplane, in my small aeroplane, and the guy’s there, and we had
drinks and light refreshments, once we got above the clouds. And the coffee comes
back from the thermos, “Oh, cheers! Here you go, mate…” and it goes back, and
he had this wicker basket with biscuits in it- kind of digestive, not terribly
interesting; so I take the best ones, and it goes back to the guy in the back,
“Oh, these are crap.” You know when you’re not hungry, but then you get
offered a biscuit, you want something better than that. “I didn’t want anything,
but oh… what have you got? Oh…” So I’m nibbling my biscuits and drinking
my coffee, and I notice, out of the corner of my eye, that the pilot reaches under
his jacket, and pulls out chocolate biscuits! And in a flash, I realize
he’s hidden them there; he’s taken them out of the wicker basket, and hidden them
underneath! ‘Cause I knew that, because that’s what I would have done… you know,
when you have friends around, and you go, “You want some biscuits? I’m just gonna
get some biscuits.” And you’re off in the kitchen, and you go, “I’ll just have
one…” (mimes stuffing his face) Someone comes up, “You want a hand?”
(choking) “Oh, no… I’m just letting this mouth run over my hands here…”
So the pilot’s there, eating chocolate biscuits, and I’m going,
“Hey, chocolate biscuits! Hey! Digestive-crap biscuits!” “Get off! I’m
the pilot, you know… Stress… chocolate biscuits. What the hell!” “No, customer!
Customer’s always right! No digestive-crap biscuits!” “Fuck off! Five years
training for this, hard time! Chocolate biscuits! Perks of the trade!”
“Well, I don’t agree…” “Fucking… “ (sounds of aeroplane nose-diving)
“Hold on, hold on!” “What were you saying about chocolate biscuits?!”
“No, fine, have the chocolate biscuits! I don’t care! I don’t care!” (sound
of plane resuming normal position) “Chocolate biscuits…” 20 minutes later,
he reaches and pulls out Jammie Dodgers! “Jammie Dodgers?” (sound of plane
nose-diving and explosion) And we hit a mountain… and I died. So that
was the end of that plane flight, and that is also the end of the show. Thank
you very much for being here. Good night. 24.
Armageddon (Encore) (Eddie comes out, humming a tune) Okay… the
Book of Revelations, right? That’s where it all ends, and the Book of Revelations
has got Armageddon, which is Australian for “Armageddon out of here at the End
of the World.” That’s where it came from, where it derived from. And it’s the
End of the World, and it’s translated, and people look at the Book of Revelations,
going, “Oh, the end’s gonna come from the world of politics, or the world of economics,
perhaps the world of technology…”And I have a love-hate relationship with technology,
I do love it, but I can hate it really big time. And we’re split
into two groups – we have people with techno-fear. We know the techno-fear people,
they’re there going, (mimes operating computer) “Wh- I wiped the file? I’ve wiped
all the files?! I’ve wiped the internet?! I don’t even have a modem!”
I don’t have that, I don’t have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love
technology! I love to get the new machines; every new machine I get, I think,
“This is the one! I won’t have to work again, I’ve got this thing!” And if you
have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and throw the instructions
out the window! “Forget them, fuck ‘em! I must know how this works, I’ve used
machines before…” (mimes typing furiously) “Come on… come on! Come on!
This bit comes off, I think…” (pulls and breaks bit) And you smash it with a hammer!
I get really fucked off with the machines… And everyone on films are so
swish, so smooth on computers… (mimes operating computer and data coming up on
screen) So expert on their computers… “Breaking into the Pentagon computer…
double click on “yes…” Oh, password protected! 20 billion possible chances… eh…
JEFF… Hey!” “How did you know?! How did you know it’d be ‘Jeff’?”
“Ah, I knew there’d be a back door.” In films, there’s always a back door. “The
guy who made the software, you see? He left a back door, so that he could get
back in when he wanted, and look around, and look at all the missiles, and go,
(creepily) “Ooh!” and put one on his head. The guy who made the software was called
Jeff Jeffty Jeff, born on the first of Jeff 19Jeffty Jeff, so I put in Jeff, and
hey!” I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen one character in
a film on a computer in a realistic way, going… (mimes a tentative computer user)
Oh, no, no…“ (moves monitor around) “Let’s put the printer there… the computer…
right… Instructions, hold on… “Book of Revelations…” Okay, right, “Ctrl+P” print!
“Ctrl+P” print! ‘Cannot access printer’? It’s here. (lifts monitor
to show the printer to it) I can access printer! Why the fuck can’t you access
printer? I plugged you in! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P”
print!” And it’s as if the computer is going, “I’m not sure what you’re
trying to do.” “I’m trying to print! “Ctrl+P” print!” “Ah, but there’s
something you haven’t done…” “What? Tell me what it is, I’ll do it! I’ll
do it! I’ve got it here…” “No, I can’t tell you.” (typing commands)
“Fuckin’ tell me! Just- “Ctrl+P” print! It’s five in the morning! It’s
only a paragraph! I just want to get this fucker printed out! I used the fax-modem
earlier, and that fucked it up, didn’t it? I can’t fucking access the bloody thing,
it’s not being used by something else. I’m using the printer port… fucking… “Ctrl+P”
print! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! Print “Ctrl+P”! Print “Ctrl+P”! “Ctrl+P”
print! (gibberish) ‘A problem of type 2094 has occurred.’ What the fuck is that?
What are the 2,093 other problems I just made to get to that one? “Ctrl+P” print!
“Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! (gibberish) Oh, don’t do that… Don’t you crash
on me, you… bastard! Go- I’m so tired! You have no… “ “I’m
not sure what you’re trying…” “You do! You do! Right, I’ll get that
going – (using fingers and his knee as well) “Esc+Ctrl+P+Alt… Esc+Ctrl+P+Alt…
fucking… Right, I’m phoning Amsterdam, you bastard! (mimics dialing) Hello, Amsterdam-
you speak very good English, well done! Bordered by four countries, I know…
Yeah, a lot of problems in land work… Yes, I’ve got a Macintosh computer plugged
in to a Cannon bubble jet printer, and… Yes’ I’ve been into the Chooser- into
the Printers File, and chosen “Cannon Bubble jet Printer…” Yes, I’ve been to the
Chooser file and chosen Printer Port, which is the same as the fax-modem port,
which confuses the fuck out of me… I’ve chosen A4 paper instead of toilet paper,
yeah, I know that… I’ve chosen the picture of the dog standing straight up instead
of the dog lying on the side, it’s got a problem, the taxidermist had to go early-
what the fuck? It’s five in the morning! It will not print out! There’s something
definitely wrong with the… There’s an “ON” switch on the printer, is there?” (mimes
hanging up and printing normally) And there’s always one fucking thing
you haven’t done… And I think that’s how- if there’s an end of the world through
technology, it will happen through that; some American general in the Pentagon,
going, “Jesus Christ! It’s 5:00AM, will you bloody work?!” Smashing the whole
thing with a huge… (mimics explosion) The whole world goes..! Which will be interesting…
But if it does go, I think I’ll carry on gigging, ‘cause I quite like it. Thank
you very much, good night. |
