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1. House of Apollo
Hammersmith Apollo! Once Hammersmith Odeon, now “Hammersmith Apollo”! Labatt’s
Apollo? Uh, no… Large drink, I think. “Hamburger Albert Hall-McDonald’s burger
thing…” new future of eating things. Strange, yeah? And Apollo, the god of the
sun, Odeon, god of popcorn and… Coca-Cola and Cinnaburst – I don’t know what’s
going on there!
So welcome to the house of Apollo; tonight there are some cameras around,
I hope it doesn’t get in the way. If you’re really pissed off, then I’ll take
them all out right now! I’ll pull them out right now and just throw them in the
street… Good? Everyone’s fine. We’ll still just do the show cool; occasionally,
the lights might come up on the side, and you’ll go, “Oh, I can see myself,” and
it’s that we just want to know you’re still there. So there’s gonna be a few things
like that, but I’m gonna be extra funny tonight, just for you people – an extra
10% funny. You can’t check, can you? (mocking sound) Unless you came in every
night, with some sort of log – “Well, this is funnier… fucking ‘ell!”
2. The Creation
So – so… (singing) Comedy, big fuckoff room… I forgot it now! Oh, yes – the
Old Testament! The beginning of the world, the Old Testament. That’s where stuff
began,
in the Christian version of things. Everyone had big beards, big fuckoff beards
in the Old Testament, and the deep voices, (deeply and sternly) “Oh, I say to
you… And the lights, and the clouds, and the chariot, and the burning bush… Oh,
beard on fire! Shit!” (runs away) Into the Dead Sea… (sizzling sound) “Oh, a goatee!”
Even the dogs in the Old Testament, big beards, (sternly) “Woof, woof, I say to
you. A biscuit? Thank you.” In English comic books, “woof woof;” in French comic
books, “ouaf, ouaf.”
So God… God created the world in seven days! A foolish brag, I feel. If I
was God, I’d say, “I’m gonna create the world over a number of days;” not sure
how long, might be a bit pressed, you know? Too much pressure, seven days dead!
I’d just do it like Microsoft:
“It’s gonna be done by Saturday… Tuesday… next week… about a month… We’re gonna
bring it out when we’re fuckin’ ready, right?” I think God was actually in bed,
and his Mum said, “Get out of bed, will you, God? You’ll miss the best part of
the day!” (His Mum was Mrs. Badcrumble.) “Get out of bed…” She’s just my clarinet
teacher, all right? “Get out of bed, God, you’ll miss the best part of the day.”
And God, who is James Mason, said,
“No, I won’t get out of bed, Mother, because I haven’t yet created the best
part of the day. (mocking sounds) Can’t get me on that one! Boxed that one easy.”
“Oh, you, young scallywag! I’ll box you a bit later…”
So then God created the world, and the first day he created light, and air,
and fish, and jam, and soup, and potatoes, and haircuts, and arguments, and small
things, and rabbits, and people with noses, and jam – more jam, perhaps, and soot,
and flies, and tobogganing, and showers, and toasters, and Grandmothers, and…
Belgium.
The second day, He created fire, and water, and eggnog, and radiators, and
lights, and Burma, and… and things that go “uuuhh,” and Colonel Khadaffi, and…
Arthur Negus.
I think the third day, He probably got lists – “I can’t remember what I’ve
invented, now. I’ve just been ad-libbing so far...” And so everything sort of
builds up through the days, and you know, if you have a deadline, you know how
it works; everything builds right up to the end. I think on the seventh day, God
was running around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create
Rwanda! Sorry, haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh,
shi… done! Toilets in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans…
there we go, whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that!
I know, I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…”
The next week, I think, people are coming back, going,
“Rwanda doesn’t work very well; infrastructure’s fucked.”
“I’m terribly sorry, I’ll… put some more jam here, and… a mountain of cabbages,
and a radiator.”
“Thank you, it’s just what we wanted.”
This is them drawing Rwanda back… (mimes pulling a cart) to lay it back on
the map. (mimes writing a memo) “No one got that. Never do that piece again.”
3. Noah On A Speedboat
So- so stuff happened! Yes, it did, it unfolded, and Cain killed Abel, (mumbles)
fatted calf, ooh! (thud), and then there came a period later, I don’t know – a
number of centuries later, where God said, “No, no, everything is bad! I will
send a Flood, and kill everything, start again.” I think it was “The Etch-a-Sketch
End of the World” basically, God going, “No, no, no!” (mimics shaking the etch-a-sketch
) “Don’t know what that is, don’t recognize that anymore.” Remember with the Etch-a-Sketch,
when you’ve done a house… the picture of a house, and then you have a little sun
shining up on top, and then you try to do a dog down here, and you have to leave
vapor trails all over… (mimics drawing , then shakes it) “Oh, bugger it!”
So God said, “I will send a Flood, 40 days and 40 nights, and lots of umbrellas,
but I will save two of everything, because it looks good on the seesaw floater.
Two hippos…” (mimics motion) “Noah, stop what you’re doing and build me an Ark.”
And Noah, who’s Sean Connery playing the role of Noah…
“I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. It’s much more exciting, a bigger
engine in a speedboat, and you can shoot across the water like that…”
“No, Noah, I want an Ark; an Ark with a big room for poo.”
“Look, a speedboat would really kick ass, it will give great photos to the
people in The Bible. We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the
side… it’d be fucking excellent! Excellent photographs!”
“No, you build me an Ark. You can put a big engine in the Ark, if you want.”
“Okay… I should compromise.”
So he started to saw up pieces of wood to make the Ark. (makes sawing noises)
That’s not how you start sawing, is it? You start sawing by going (fast sawing
noises). It’s impossible to start, isn’t it? Then you get into that middle bit
(more sawing noises), which feels good… when you feel like your Dad… when your
Dad used to say, “I’m just going out to the garage to saw a plank of wood in half.”
(sawing noises and thud) “There we go! Oh, Dr. Benoski on Sunday television! ‘The
Ascent of Man’…” (snores) Sundays with my Dad, that was!
No, you want a speed-saw, don’t you?, much more… (speed-sawing sound) Those
power saws, much better! But sawing has a difficult start-off, then it goes into
a bit of that, and in the end it goes back to (fast sawing noises). And after
a while, Noah realized he was actually punching a baboon! (more noises)
“Stop hitting me! (noises continue) Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep!”
“I’m not punching you, this is my mime! I’m sawing an Ark, I’m making an Ark.
Get out of my mime! I don’t want you in my mime.”
“What have you got against baboons in mime?”
“Nothing, you can do your own mime, but not in my mime… not on my mime. It’s
my motto, ‘No Baboons in Mime.’”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?”
“I… did before, but I don’t now…”
4. The Tyranny of Ducks
So he built an Ark, and that was great; and he went around collecting two
of every animal from all around the world, including two baboons, one of them
punch-drunk. (staggers) “He was hitting me earlier, I don’t know what’s going
on.”
He was going, “Okay, who have we got here? Two dogs – okay, two dogs, long
ears, along the side, please. I’ll explain it to you later. Two sheep – on you
get, sit along the side, there we go. Two cats - small ears, inside the boat.
Two ducks…” The ducks are going,
“We’re not coming.”
“Well, there’s gonna be an enormous fuckoff flood.”
“So? What’s the big problem?!”
There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could
float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything,
He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming
ones, who will get out due to a loophole.” All that in a James Mason voice, (as
Mason) “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones…
(mumbling) …a loophole. Sorry, I wasn’t here, I was off-stage, in my trailer.
Someone else did my lines.”
So – yes. It is, anything that can float – you’ve got bad ducks, bad geese,
bad swans… (miming evil demeanor) Bad ducks going, “quack, quack, quack…” (mimes
gargling and spitting) They’re the spitting ducks. You bad fish! (mimes fish)
Bad pilot fish, with those little lights on the top – evil pilot fish, really,
really bad! Those that go down in twos, and swim up to other fish, you know, with
the little lights on the top, and the other fish are going, “No, there’s a car
coming towards me! Aaah! Hey! Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish! I know your
Dad.” (walking very erect) That’s how a fish walks if he’s English. “You don’t
know what just happened there.” Yes…
So it’s a big hole in the whole thing. I mean, with the humans, we understand
the idea of good and bad; evil and very, very good – saintly, I suppose, but with
animals? What, in fact, is an “evil giraffe”? How do they…? “I will eat all the
leaves on this tree. (mimes eating leaves) I will eat more leaves than I should…
and then other giraffes may die. (evil chuckle) I am an evil herbivore!” (mimes
the giraffe walk) It’s very difficult to be evil. “I will hide berries where no
one can see them.” (evil chuckle)
But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole
a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying,
“Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against
people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that
a crime? People of the world!”
“Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit,
sorry.”
(mimes giraffe walk again) That’s a dog owned by a giraffe. Yes…
5. Death
I’m quite interested in death, in a kind of… morbid way. Kinda goes together.
I mean, death just happens- boom and… there. Confusing beast… and some people
just have the life force; my Gran had the life force, she just kept going, would
not check out! She had three strokes, and she was paralyzed down the left hand
side, but she was still in there… (eager sounds) “God, I’m sticking here!,” and
the Grim Reaper must have been next to her, on her shoulder, going, “Come, old
lady, it is your time! Come… We’ll go to the Land of the Dead. Come… We’ll travel
across the river Styx on my boat! Two, please… One and one O.A.P. What? Oh, are
you coming?!” My Gran is still at home, “No, I’m not coming! Got stuff to do,
got stuff to do… I gotta sit around and talk weird for a couple of years…” which
was the unfortunate downside of the stroke thing, I mean, my relationship- I kept
visiting her, and I was her mother-in-law, her daughter-in-law, her brother’s
son, you know… it just shuffled around. And she was a very energetic woman, she
had- you know how, at a certain age, you got the Gran coat, the coat that Grans
get, they go around, and the cake on the head-type thing… “20 Rothmans, please.
Thank you.” That was me Gran.
But the Grim Reaper must have a tough time, because women don’t die, they
just go on. Men just go, “65! Oh!” (thud).
“Come on! Where’s your stamina? (singing) I am a Gran/I’ll live forever…”
The Grim Reaper is there, “I could not get the women, they would not come.
I got the men, the men all lined up.”
“Yes, thank you, we’re ready for bed! Can we get pajamas, please?”
“No pajamas in the Land of the Dead!”
“I was told pajamas in the brochure.”
“I don’t think…”
“Yes, pajamas!”
“No.”
“Yes.” (argument continues) “Oh, I got your scythe, I’m sorry. I don’t know
what’s going on, it was a mime problem. There’s a baboon here, what’s he doing
here?”
“Someone was punching me, I was just in the line, I don’t know what’s going
on.”
6. Mystic Hopscotch
And God is there, in the Land of the Dead, “Grim Reaper, you could not get
the women? (As Mason) You could not get…?” I’m sorry, in my James Mason voice,
“Grim Reaper, you could not get the women? What was the problem? Didn’t you
reap them with your grim-reaping equipment?”
“I tried that, but the women, they all know hopscotch! And they leapt over.”
It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that
women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and
as a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What
do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers-
1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout
with a skipping rope… (mimes skipping rope) in case the clergy came by. “Run,
run, it’s the clergy! (cracks up) Run, it’s the Pope and everyone.”
‘Cause they do all that skipping stuff, don’t they? Young girls and huge,
fuckoff boxers are the two groups of people that have a joining line… (singing)
“Jam, elephants, peanuts, elephants jumping up and down… (mumbles the rest) Change!”
(mimes changing jumpers at skipping rope) And huge, fuckoff boxers are doing the
same thing. (mumbles same song and mimes jumping rope while throwing punches)
I’ve never seen young girls and big, fuckoff boxers do it at the same time… (mimes
both skipping rope and singing) The impressions here are kind of sketchy.
“You have a very high voice for a boxer.”
(High voice) “Yes, I do.”
(normal voice)“I have a very deep voice for a girl.”
So I was talking about hopscotch… Hopscotch! This strange religious experience;
all the numbers there, and there was one girl on the course, they go girl by girl,
they go, (mimes jumping hopscotch and singing) “Frere
Jacques, Frere Jacques, Dormez-vous? “ I think that was training for this, with
the legs stuff… (resumes jumping and singing) “Dormez-vous? Sonnez les matines…”
And at some point, she goes, “Oh, no, I fucked it up! Oh, no!” And boys watching
would go, “What? Did what wrong? Fucked up what? What did they do right? It makes
no sense!”
And then it’d all drift off, and boys would walk over the course,
“What happened here? We should do an “archeolodogiogical”
dig.”
“We should do a what?”
“An archeological dig! My tongue got stuck in my back tooth… checking for
stuff.”
Thank you, one person.
7. Fill It Up With The Gobi Desert
So that’s true, and then we grow up and we end up doing things, the job thing,
the career thing. The careers officer’d come to school- I mean, I ended up doing
standup comedy- was gonna be in the Army, ended up doing standup comedy. Slightly
different… slightly more makeup where I went. Army’s only got that night-time
look and… it doesn’t work for me. No, it’s true! I like all that sort of running,
jumping, standing still – “Oh, I can see you in a tree! (mocking sounds)”part
of it, so standup comedy- vocation, you gotta go for that! You can’t just fall
into it.
And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working
at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve
gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand.
(mimes stuffing an animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has
ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s
really quite tight.”
They should put more things in, not just sand, that gets boring. “Porridge,
I’m doing this one with porridge!” (mimes stapling the stuffed animal shut) Staple
gun…
“I’ve done your dog, it’s is finished. I filled it with porridge.” (flop)
“It’s a bit floppy…”
“Yeah, that’s porridge to you, you know? You’ve got a two-level effect.”
“I’ve got nine-level effect.”
“Yeah, I’ve done your cat – he’s with helium.” (mimes holding the cat as a
balloon over his head)
“It’s a bit high up…”
“Yeah, that’s helium, friend. There’s no height restriction.” (mimes pulling
on string) “Here.” (lets go of string and catches it again) “If you grab it, you’ve
got two controls.”
“Oh,yeah, I see it!”
And the cat is going (mimes balloon losing air), with that fixed expression…
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!
“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all
square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”
“Fido looks a bit weird.”
8. Covered in Bees
Beekeepers as well! Beekeepers, yes… They’ve gotta want to be, “I want to
be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don’t want them to get away, I wanna keep them!
They have too much freedom… I want bees on elastic, so when they get pulled, they
come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper
before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this…”
(runs away screaming )”I’m covered in bees! Aah! Covered in bees!” ‘Cause that’s
your job, isn’t it? They must lose it- beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You
know, you’re there, you’ve got the netting, you’ve got 2,000 bees… (buzzing sound)
and essentially you’re trying to steal honey. (buzzing continues) “Morning, morning…
Hello… hello, knock-knock, coming in, hello… Look, there’s a Ferrari over there-
can you see that Ferrari?” (mimes stealing the honey from the hive) “Yes, it’s
very fast, isn’t it? Well, good morning, thank you!” He must be walking back with
all these bees around, and at some point, he must go, “What the fuck am I doing?
I’m covered in bees! Help! I’m covered in bees!”
And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in
an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey!
Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee?
I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee
like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”
Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds)
“Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”
(scared) “Huh?”
“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real
problem…”
“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”
“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off,
back off!” (screams)
They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and
go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following,
“Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes…
9. The Six Million Dollar Queen Mother
And they have a queen bee, and we have a queen bee in this country. The monarchy
system gradually, over a period of time, has fallen apart, but in Britain it stayed
together while falling apart at the same time. And the Queen- I think people become
their faces as they get older, they sort of look how they are, and the Queen is
too severe. You know, the glasses get bigger and bigger… she’s becoming an owl!
Her glasses will be bigger than her body at some point! And then she will light
fires everywhere…
But she’ll live forever, she’s got the old woman thing, (singing) “I am the
Queen, I’ll live forever, I’ll never die, I’ll live to a million…” The Queen Mother!
(singing again)
“I am the Queen, I’ll live forever…”The Queen Mother, she’s amazing! She’s
got artificial hips, she’s got an artificial arm, a bionic eye- she cost six million
dollars! (singing tune similar to “The Six Million Dollar Man” theme song) “Paparazzi,
2,000 yards!” (bionic eye sound effects) “Off with the tiara…” (mimes throwing
the tiara at the paparazzi)
“The Six Million Dollar Man” was a bit slow, really- I mean, he had these
amazing powers…
“Okay, Steve, you gotta go and get those bad guys over by the car.”
“I’ll be right on it, Oscar.” (mimes running in slow motion)
“A little bit faster, Steve, ‘cause they’re gonna get away.”
And you’re watching on telly, “Oh, I need a cup of coffee now, this is taking
forever!” (mimes making instant coffee) As long as the music was going… and you
get back, and he’s somewhere near the car, isn’t he? People by the car are going,
“Jesus!” (mimes smoking while waiting) “Oh, he’s hit me!”
10. The Royal X-Files
Yes, the royal family… Oh, Diana died! Diana died, and… everyone’s gone quiet,
what’s going on? No, I’m not doing big-laugh death jokes, I don’t do them, because
it’s not a big funny area for me, but she died and we were thrown by it. You know,
I think some people were big fans, and they were big into having a lot of grief
time; and I was not a big fan, I didn’t dislike her- I preferred Diana’s direction
to the Queen’s direction; the Queen’s a bit (stern look), Diana was a bit more
(upbeat expression). So I preferred that direction.
But I think we were thrown because it was like a soap opera; it was like a
soap- front page for the last four months (mimes turning the pages of a magazine),
and it was so in your face that you had to be thrown, and it happened one night.
You woke up and went, “What?” It was weird! It was something like “The X-Files,”
‘cause, you know, “The X-Files” is huge, it’s all over the world, and you’ve got
Scully-Mulder, Scully-Mulder, Scully-Mulder, front page, no clothes, no clothes…
And imagine if an episode came up a Monday night, at 2:00 in the morning, and
they killed off the characters, and you went, “What? How come they finished that?
I was quite- I was watching that… Just Monday night and they…?” It just throws
you, you know? With Scully always there, because she’s so,
“Look, Mulder, I don’t believe that Martians with big elbows are taking over
the world.”
“There’s 50 lbs. worth of files – there’s tons of files on that thing; it’s
all here, Scully, you gotta read these files!”
And by the end of the episode, there’s Martians with big elbows everywhere!
And she’s swatting them off with a tennis racket, “I believe you! I believe you,
Scully! Mulder. You know who you are!”
So- yeah, so it happened, and so there was a mother that died, and there was
a lot of sympathy towards the kids, one was 17, one about 13, I think, that was
understandable, and… My Dad mentioned something to me, he said- My Mum died when
I was six, my brother was eight, and no one gave a shit! Well, it was interesting,
you know, because you do- I mean, a lot of people die, people at the concentration
camps, and no one does give a shit, and there was a lot of focus on that, so I
don’t know quite how it all fits together, but we were thrown.
And everybody talked about it, it came on telly, there was Bill Clinton, there
was Tony Blair, you know, saying, “We’re sorry about this,” and the Queen said
nothing! Monday, nothing, Tuesday, Wednesday, nothing, Thursday,
nothing! Friday, it was as if someone was pushing her in the back…(mimes
being pushed) “Get off..!” It was as if Charles was there, going,
“Get on the bloody thing and make a…”
“But it’s not Christmas, I’m not… It’s not Christmas, I’m on holiday in Scotland!
What’s going on?”
And the problem with the Queen is she doesn’t know how to talk from the heart;
that’s what we deal with now, someone who comes up and says, “Look, I fucked up
at this,” or “I did that,” or, “I’m trying to do this,” but she’s there saying,
(solemnly) “We’re very sorry about Diana, she died, um…” And you’re not connecting
there! I would have more respect for the Queen if she came on, and said, “Look,
Diana, she died, and that’s very sad, but you know, we didn’t get on, and she
was heading in a different direction, but I didn’t want her to die, and so that’s
a sad thing.” You know, out of more respect, she was upfront about it.
She also said, “Also, about resigning the throne, I’m never gonna do that!
I’m staying here! I’ve super glued the crown onto my head, and as I speak, I’m
strapping myself in… (singing) “I’m old lady…” She’s not going, is she? She’s
not! Queen Victoria was- she’s going for her record, I can see that! There’s a
glint in the eye… Queen Victoria was queen for… 2,000 years, and… She won’t resign,
‘cause what’s her Mother gonna do? “I’m gonna be the Mother of the Queen Mother
of the King of the Queen’s Mother…” No, she’s staying there, super glued onto
the throne! (miming moving about carrying the throne) “What? I’m going on holiday!”
11. Do You Think I’m Sexy?
Back in the ‘50s, she was quite sexy, in a sort of difficult to believe but
yes… She was! In a kind of, you know, the ‘50s skirts, “Hey, fancy the Queen!
Got a picture of the Queen on my locker door, yeah! Shag the Queen!”
In the ‘60s, London and Britain was hip for the first time since the Civil
War! And the Queen should have gone with it, slipped straight in there, short
skirts, A-type Jag, cigarette… (mimes smoking while speeding) The police coming
over,
“Hey, lady, you’re speeding!”
“Fuck off, I’m the Queen! Where to now, Phil? Read the map the right way,
for God’s sakes!”
Prince Philip, he’s a cad! Has a habit of saying things like, “You’re all
a bunch of bastards! Was that bad? I don’t know what’s going on…” It tumbled out!
I expect him to go on one of these big ceremonial visits, with a bit of tape on…
(mimes having mouth taped shut) In 1986, I think it was, China, a bunch of British
students there, and they went up, and he said, “Don’t stay here too long, you’ll
become slitty-eyed!” Off the map, isn’t he? It’s just… even as a joke, it’s just
so stupid! Like no one was gonna mention it! Oh, what the fuck?! It’s like
some ambassador turning up and saying, “You’re all fuckers! Why don’t you all
piss off? Your problem is you’re all foreigners! Bye! Did it go well, you think?
What phrase in particular?”
12. Helen of Troy
Back in olden times, they had a big royal screw-up which was the Siege of
Troy. There was Helen, who became Helen of Troy, but that was Helen of Greek land,
first of all;
married to King Menelaus, and Paris came over from Troy- he was obviously some
sort of,
“Hi, my name is Paris! Queen Helen, let us kiss with tongues!” (mimes passionate
kissing, pausing to recover breath, and resumes kissing) And Helen went, “Oh,
I fancy him!” And voom! Next day, apparently, she shot off with him.
And the whole Siege of Troy began, which was some sort of myth that we had,
but it’s true! They’ve found Troy. A German archeologist dug it up, with very
precise tools, and… “15.7 meters down, I came in, I found it, it’s very precise,
it’s here!” in a very German way.
We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective
thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow
on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television,
and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes
and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated
it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”
It’s too slow for us! Our attention spans are short now, we need “Stuff! Things!
Happen! Quick! Quick! Change the channel!” We want not slow archeology – we want
“Speed Archeology!” We want big fuckers with diggers!
“You’ve got 15 minutes to find the city.”
“All right, let’s go!!” (singing action movie theme while miming digging)
“Get the diggers in!” (mimes diggers operating) “What the fuck? Get that skull
out of the way! Pottery everywhere! What do we got, what do we got?” And they
always find in archeology “a series of small walls.” Every time, a series of small
walls. Everywhere you go. “We’ve found a series of small walls, we’re very excited…
I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They were very small, and… a
series of small wall people.” And then someone comes along, very learned, with
glasses, “Of course, the king and queen entertained here… 1,500 courtiers, and
there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch
over there… A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts
into a heater…” And you’re just watching, and going, “You’re making this up, mate!
You’re just pointing at a series of small walls, going, ‘there, there… Tutankhamen
playing banjo in there…’ Don’t know if it’s true.”
Anyway, Siege of Troy- Helen had eloped with Paris, the Greeks got fucked
off, and they got in big ships and they went to Troy! And the Siege of Troy began…
13. Achilles Footwear
The great warriors were there – Agamemnon! Famous warrior. Ajax! Famous toilet
cleaner. And Achilles, immortal man! Immortal body! Except he had an Achilles’
heel. What an irony! “What do you mean? I’m called Achilles, Mum, and I have an
Achilles’ heel as well? I’ll be a laughing stock! Oh, bloody ‘ell!” Achilles must’ve
gone into battle like this, (dragging one foot behind) ”Get off, get off the heel,
get off!” The Trojans, with crabs and lobsters –
“Get crabs and lobsters on his heel! Throw him the crabs and lobsters! All
the crabs and lobsters!”
(painful cries) “Come on now, you buggers! I’ve got my foot behind this…!”
If I was Achilles, I’d put my foot in a fuckoff block of concrete, for starters!
And then (sounds of arrows shooting off) arrows shooting off everywhere. (Guffaws)
“Block of concrete! No problem at all! See these swords here?” (mimes stabbing
himself with swords) No problem! (mimes chopping off his head and moving it up
and down) (Taunting laughter) Then, in a slight downside, he’d have a maximum
radius after that. “Could you come over here, please? Could you… could you come
over here, please? Could you come over here? I’ve got something to show you… No,
I can’t show you unless you come over here… Damn!”
He’d have to put wheels on the bottom of the block of concrete… (squeaky rolling
noises, then stabbing sound) But we know trolleys, they don’t quite work like
this, do they? (mimes trolley moving about, then a stabbing) “Thanks for waiting.”
Much better it’d be to have a hovercraft bottom bit on. (makes hovercraft noises)
And after a hard day’s battle, he could get home and change from “blow” to “suck.”
(mimes using foot as a hoover) “Mum, the plug needs moving!”
It’s the noise that’s the best fun in hoovering, isn’t it? (sounds of hoover
being turned on and off) Until it breaks! “I’ve bust it, Mum.” Good strong hoovers
are good, good, strong… (sounds of powerful hoover) And sometimes you’re hovering
away, and it goes over and makes that funny noise (sound of something big stuck
in hoover) And you’re kind of hoovering, thinking, “Was that a bit of grit? Was
that a piece of money? Or is that the Treasure of the Sierra Madre? Must know,
must find out, must know what’s in it… Oh, it’s a bit of grit, damn!”
But it’s much better- power hoovers are better than those old “push me-pull
you,” no power… (makes sounds of manual sweeper) With the little turning brushes…
(more sounds) And the dust was saying,
“What exactly are you trying to do?”
“Well, we’re trying to whisk you… whisk you into the (makes manual sweeper
sounds again)”
“But we’re coming straight back down again.”
“Well, I don’t know about that, you know? I’m just a… (more sounds)”
“Where exactly are you from?”
“I don’t know, man, I’ve got this crazy accent. I’ve no “idear”.”
Yeah, so anyway- Achilles was there, and he has… remember Achilles? He was
there, and he had this Achilles’ heel, and the reason he had this Achilles’ heel
was that all his important stuff was in there – his brain, his liver, his lungs,
his spleen… Everything was in there! The rest of his body was empty… except for
potpourri! Which is a genius invention! Someone said, “I will take stuff that
fell from trees, put underarm deodorant on it… and sell it to posh people! Who’ll
buy it!”
“£50 a jar? Thank you very much.”
“Thank you, one with a big ribbon… thank you.”
You couldn’t sell it to ordinary people, you know, in a big,
“Sack of potpourri, 5 pence a sack!”
“That’s stuff that fell off trees!”
“But it’s only 5p.”
Anyway, Achilles was full of it!
14. The Trojan Horse
And he died, and the siege continued, and after 10 years of siege, of the Siege
of Troy, the Greeks got pissed off and said, “Right, we’ll play one big, last
trick on them; we’re gonna play this thing.” And they built a huge wooden horse,
100 meters high, wooden, hollow, put some soldiers inside, left it there, and
they built this big horse, and said, “We’re going now, bye! You’ve won, well done,
bye! We’re in our ships, bye. We’ve left you a big horse… as per usual, bye! As
we normally do in these situations, we’ve left an ordinary ceremonial horse. Bye,
hope you like it!”
It doesn’t make any sense that the Trojans believed that! After 10 years, you’d
be pissed off, wouldn’t you? You’d leave some dog poo behind. “That’s what we
think of you, you bastards!” Helen’s still there. “We’ve left you a big horse,
hope you like it.”
And the Greeks sailed away, to make it look really convincing; they sailed
over the horizon, where it dips down… if you’ve ever been there, and they just
hid behind the horizon. (mimes peeking out from behind the horizon) So they could
get a good look, they stapled fish on to their helmets… (moving up and down the
horizon) Then they’d turn the fish around… for accuracy! ‘Cause if you ever go
to the horizon, that’s where all the water
tumbles over into a huge waterfall, and underneath the waterfall it’s a cave,
and in the cave there’s Daniel Day Lewis and Elisabeth Shue, and a lot of Mohicans
in there. Daniel Day Lewis is saying, “Just stay alive! Stay alive and I will
find you, no matter what occurs!” Then he jumps into the shower. (mimes writing)
“Lost everyone. No one understands…” Yeah, forget that.
Okay, so – yeah… so they left a big horse, and the Trojans came out, and they
were, “Oh, a big horse! Just what we always wanted! Hey, Helen, take a look at
this – big horse!” They should’ve checked to see whether it was hollow, ‘cause
we know how to do that. (solid tapping) (hollow tapping) “Hey!” (moving between
hollow and solid) “This one’s hollow! Get it open!” They opened it up, and inside
there’d be a lot of Greeks. “Hello! Are they gone? Oh, I didn’t set the alarm
this morning! We were just cleaning up.” (sounds of manual sweeper and hoovers)
“Yes, we’re Greeks – this is Agamemnon, I’m Ajax, this is Prince Philip of
England.” (turns around) “Don’t say a bloody word! Do not say anything!”
15. A Play on Nativity
So, the New Testament. The New Testament, yes, that was a short bit of testament,
I think, and it began slap-bang on 0 A.D., right in the kisser, which made the
people who make calendars very happy. They were going out of their minds,
“So what, we go five, four, three, two, one, 0, and then what? Where do we
go after that? Year A? Year B? What? Call it “year pdah”? Year “flimdieu”? Year
“creamediu”? We’re just gonna make it up? What are we gonna do? And A.D.,
who is “D”?”
“Oh, I can tell you that, it’s Domino’s, makes pizzas. So Domino’s pizza… I
don’t know quite what’s going on.”
“We never even knew who “C” was, B.C., who’s “C”?”
Anyway, they found out, and Mary and Joseph and Baby G.… and they all came
bringing gifts, “Oh, Mary, Joseph, thank you. Good timing! Six days early, actually,
so… But it’s Christmas, so… spread the goodwill.” And the Baby G.. was there and
the Three Wise Men came from the Old Testament, with big fuckoff beards…
“Oh, Baby G.! We have followed the Star, which was a lamp post for a while,
and we went around in circles, but now we’re here. We got a bit pissed somewhere…
Somewhere near Birmingham, and now we’re here with presents. Baby G., we bring
you gold!”
(sounds of amazement)
“We bring you frankincense.”
(sniffs, expresses pleasure)
“We bring you myrrh…”
(undecided sounds)
“Yes, I think that if you rub it on the back of a duck, it goes quite fast,
yes? That’s what… Or maybe it’s a small banjo… If you can spell it, you can have
it! How about that?”
And Baby G. was very happy…
“Thank you, thank you for my Christmas presents… and for my birthday presents?”
“What? Oh, Christmas and birthday, isn’t it? ‘Cause you’re born, and it’s
Christmas… It’s two presents! Ah! You’re the first! Are there any shops open?”
Mary and Joseph, “Late night petrol station, try that.”
“Okay, yes, brilliant, good idea. We’ll be right back.”(mimes running ) “Get
out, get out! Get that beard out of the way!”
In 20 minutes, they came back –
“Sorry, sorry… right, we’re here. Baby G., we bring you 20 cigarettes, a Diet
Coke, and a sack of charcoal!”
“Sack of charcoal?”
“They’ve always got them at petrol stations. Yes, very funny gag in England
and France… not in America, goes down like a lead balloon.”
“What, don’t they have sacks of charcoal laid down in…?”
“No, they don’t have it, different thing.”
“So did you cut it out of the show?”
“No, kept it in, couldn’t be buggered! Couldn’t be buggered! Just had a big conversation
with you about how it works in Europe and doesn’t in America.”
“Oh, I see!”
So, yes. So Baby G. was very happy, “Thank you, thank you for all my presents
now, but stick around, guys, ‘cause I thought we’d do a Nativity play, since it’s
Christmas… Hey, Mum, there’s three of the Wise Men; why don’t they play the roles
of the shepherds?” ‘Cause the shepherds were missing, and the sheep were running
amok – they got there late, ‘cause they were trying to get the sheep down to the…
you know, the place where Baby G. was, and there was a roadblock ‘cause there
was a bunch of sheep running on the road, and they were trying to get the sheep
through, and it was… (mimes writing) “No one ever gets that bit.” You know how
sheep block roads, and then it’s normally a car; but if you’re trying to get sheep
through… good comedy situation, I thought! But it just needs this big, vast explanation…
“What’s he talking about?”
So – yes, they played the three shepherds, the Three Wise Men were played
by a duck, and a donkey and Noah, who turned up- and he was lead Wise Man. (As
Sean Connery) “I’ve turned up, I’ve got the speedboat out in the Sea of Galilee.
Afterwards, if anyone wants to come for a spin… (mimes riding on the speedboat)
If you’ve got a big beard, sit on the side, and it blows in the wind. Fucking
fantastic!”
And Mary, she didn’t do any role in it, ‘cause she was knackered; and Joseph
played himself and the innkeeper, which was very funny.
“I’d like a room.”
“Oh, no rooms.”
“Baby G…”
“Baby who?”
“The whole calendar thing!”
“My calendar is getting a bit…”
(mimes writing) “Where’s that bit going?”
16. The Swiss Guard
So yeah, Baby G. was there, and he grew up, grew older and died. And… the
shortest version of that story, isn’t it? But he had some disciples, (pronounces
in French) disciple, in French, and one was St. Peter. St. Peter was the
guy who said, “I don’t know him, I don’t know him, I don’t know him…” (cock crows)
“Oh, it’s Him!” That’s the speed version of that story, and… he left Galilee after
the death of Jesus, and he came to Rome! He said, “Rome, this crazy place, I like
it here! It’s brilliant! Yes. I’m staying here, all the kids on Vespas, no helmet,
it’s brilliant!” (sounds of Vespa running) “What a sexy place! I’m gonna stay
here and be a Pope!”
So he did, he became the first Pope, and lots of Popes… and they’re guarded
by the Swiss Guard, who stand proudly in pajamas and funny hats. I think it’s
a safety device, you know? If people wanna attack the Pope, “Let’s get the Pope,
come on…” (silly laughter) They’re wearing pajamas!” (cracked up completely) “I
can’t do this!”
The Swiss Guard has the Swiss Army knives! (mimes threatening people with
a Swiss Army knife) “We have the scissors! You have a thread there, I cut. Dans
la poubelle! (mimes switching elements throughout) No, small knife… big knife.
Small knife-big knife, small knife-big knife… I can see you, I can see you! You’re
upside down now! (makes sawing sounds) I do not know what this one is… And with
this one, I can open a can of beans in a week! (mimes slowly opening a can) Oh,
he’s escaped, he’s escaped! Quick, tell the cardinals!”
All the cardinals are having a big meeting, trying to decide a new Pope, all
sitting there eating marmalade sandwiches… marmalade on toast.
“Right, you be the Pope.”
“No, I don’t want to. You be the Pope.”
“No…”
“Look, the toast is burning, oh, no!”
Black smoke going up… Outside the Vatican, at St. Peter’s Square, people are
watching, going, “Three Popes now? What’s going on in there?”
And the Pope, he decides who becomes a saint, and to be a saint you need three
miracles. There must be some really good people with only two miracles to their
names, just need that last, big, “Hey! Fish into baboon!”-type thing. And they’re
there,
“Your Popeness, I have only two miracles to my name. My last one you disallowed,
when I turned wine into water!”
“Yeah, it was not crazy, it was back to front, you know, it didn’t really
work for me, and it was my best vin de table as well. I was a bit
pissed off, I was.”
“Well, your Popeness, I have now a bloody miracle with me, this one’s brilliant,
right? Now pick a card… No, don’t show me, don’t show me! That’s fine. Now put
it back in the pack, let’s see… (mimes shuffling cards) Now I shuffle… where is
it? Where is it? Is it the three of diamonds?”
“It is the three of diamonds! It’s brilliant, it’s a bloody miracle! Okay,
I’ll make you a saint. Well done, mate! “Saint Jeff.” And here is your Vespa…
(mimes riding away) ‘Patron Saint of Dangerous Driving.’”
17. Bird Dreams
Yeah, we don’t have miracles, we have dreams. Those are our own personal miracles.
We all dream, we have dreams… Some weird character on our brain takes over…
“Oh, you’re covered in jam…” They’re always bonkers, and we dream in color-
some people have black and white dreams, they’re kind of cheaper dreams, aren’t
they? Need to bang the set before you go to bed at night. And they’re so vivid
to us, aren’t they? You’re there, and your Grandmother is attacking you with a
spoon, and the Pope is playing a banjo in the corner, and you’re just totally
okay with it! And often you wake up, (mimes waking up startled), “It’s come off!”
Those weird… (similar mime) I’ve been lying down- I tripped over while asleep…
(mimes tripping over) “I’m asleep? I’m not? I’m up?”
And people interpret them… you always have bonkers dreams – “I’m walking down
the road, and a man comes up to me, covered in jam, and he sings (singing) ‘Oh,
I am a man… hippo…’ And he brings me spoons, and his buttocks explode, and his
brother drives a small snail towards me, very slowly. What does it mean?” And
their interpretation is always very ordinary:
“Oh, you didn’t get on with your Father when you were a child.”
“Why doesn’t it say that in my dream, then? What’s all the bloody snail thing?”
You never have a straight dream, do you? You never say, “I’m walking on the
road, I go into a shop and buy a Mars bar.” ‘Cause that kind of dream will probably
mean,
“Ah, this means that you’re from Mars, and your ears are made out of jam, and
your brother lives in Kent, and his buttocks explode to the size of a balloon.”
“That’s very true!”
Also, we have flying dreams! They’re the best ones; you fly around… you never
hit the light bulb, do you? Just swimming ‘round… Birds don’t have flying dreams,
they’d be boring for birds. Birds must have… car driving dreams! (sings action
theme song as he mimes driving and smoking)
“Hey, you’re speeding, Mr. Feathers!”
“Fuck off, I’m a bird!”
18. The Nottingham Twang
Yeah… and the biggest myth that we have in England is Robin Hood. It’s not
really a miracle dream, it’s a myth- it’s a myth and a legend. Robin Hood! It’s
our most famous English myth, and it’s been totally stolen by Hollywood, so much
so that Robin Hood has an American accent, always.
(American accent) “Hi, I’m Robin Hood. Where’s the Maid Mari-an? And the Sheriff
of Notting-ham!”
“I’m a Notting-ham man, born and bred. I live in Sherwood Forest.
I’m from around here…”
We wouldn’t believe an English-speaking Robin Hood.
“Hello, I’m Robin Hood.”
“Nooo… You don’t have the Nottingham twang!”
And the reason why Hollywood films just killed us in Britain is there’s so
much sex- they’ve got sex, sex, and sex in there. “Hi, I’m Robin Hood. Where’s
the Maid Marian? Maid Marian, come here, let us kiss with tongues! (mimes passionate,
breathtaking kissing) Let us go and shag in my tree house!”
Whereas an English Robin Hood- “Marian… cup of tea? My tree house is being
prepared… Up the stairs… (mimes climbing a spiral staircase) Staircase. Yes, linen
tablecloth, you like it? Dutch linen, or what? (Note: Or could be 'Darjeeling,
or what?') Now these are my etchings…”
Back in the ‘40s and ‘50s they took sex out. I don’t know, the Noel Coward
–sort of “Into Which We Serve”-type films…
“Darling, I’m off to the war.”
“Don’t go, darling, don’t go to the war.”
“I must go to the war, darling, they won’t start without me.”
“Don’t go, darling, it’s dangerous- rat-tat-tat boom, and all those noises.”
“I must go, darling, it’s my duty as a Cockney man.”
All the accents were really fucked, weren’t they? “We, as East enders – we
as people from the East End of London, the working class of London, we must go
with our strange accents… go to the war. I must do it.” If that’s the East End
of London accent, then what’s a posh accent?
“(complete nonsense through stretched-out lips), said a posh person to me today…
He also said, (nonsense resumes) And I believe him! It’s my duty to go. Little
Johnnie, little Susie, I’m off to the war.”
“Don’t go, Daddy, don’t go.”
“I must go.”
“Bring us back something, Daddy, will you?”
“I’ll bring you back a Nazi with real hair.” (walks away normally, then turns
into a galloping giraffe)
Dick Van Dyke, he went for a Cockney accent. He sounds like he went to Australia
to learn it! (Australian accent) “G’day, Mary Poppins, yeah, how you doin’, ma’am?
I’m a chimney sweep , absolutely. Talking to Charlie today, he’s a chimney sweep
too! (singing) ‘I’m a chimney sweep, damn cool about that, gor blimey!’ Put another
tub o’ lager in the barbie.” That is an Australian accent, check it
out!
And also, Robin Hood is a myth! It’s a myth! It is not true; it’s based on
bits of fact. His name probably wasn’t Robin Hood, just… Bin! All natural, lived
in a tree!
“’ello, I’m… Bin, I’m Robin… give us cash! Give us cash! I steal from the rich
and give to the poor! I’m trying to be a myth; give us cash!”
“No, I’m not gonna give you cash.”
“Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?”
“No, I’m… comfortable.”
“That’s not good, I cannot steal from people who are comfortable and give to
the moderately impoverished; that’s not gonna swing, is it?”
“Well, it’s not my fault. I’m just here in my pogo stick.” (mimes bouncing
away)
“Come back here, you want a fight?” (sings fanfare, mimes shooting an arrow,
but gets the onomatopoeia wrong) “Sorry, I just threw a sword at you.”
That’s a sword noise, I meant to go… (sound of shooting arrows) I just went
… (sound of sword stabbing)
“Are you firing swords at me?”
“Sorry!”
19. Martial Arts
I had a fight, I had my own personal fight last year, last November, in Cambridge.
Did three good gigs in Cambridge, and then had a fight… like you do! And… it was
a bit weird; I mean, people shout at me, people do- as a bloke who wears makeup
whenever I want, as it’s my inalienable right as a citizen, people occasionally
say things, “Good on you, mate!” And occasionally say, “What the fuck is this?!”
To my face! To which I reply, (chuckling) “Oh, you say that now! But how are you
at canasta?!” Actually, I didn’t say anything, but… So people do shout, and I
used to just go, “Well, I supposed you’re right, I must be a… “But now, I get
angry! I get furious! I want to stick out for myself, but it’s a bit stupid, ‘cause
I don’t know how to fight! So there’s this guy, and he’s going, (taunting) “Ooh,
Tracy… ooh…”and I was going, “My name… is not… Tracy!” And I go into Michael Caine
impressions, which is a bit weird. (as Michael Caine) “You are a stupid bastard,
all right? Do not bloody say that to me! You’re a big lug and you have no brains,
so shut your fucking face!”
So he went through it, and I’m blocking, and blocking, which is, you know,
(mimes blocking punches) I was doing quite well, but he had four friends, and…
they beat the crap out of me! But in a fun way. And then I took them to court,
and, oh, it was all fun! And I won £100, it was just like… a very low pool’s win
or something. “It must be wins day!”
So yeah, I got that, and great, ‘cause the people who beat me up, the other
people, I didn’t- if you’re ever in a fight, you gotta get that, “Can I get your
name and address?” Or at least what they look like… (mimes drawing a portrait
and taking pictures) “Quick Polaroids, lads! Quick Polaroids!” Because I didn’t
know what they looked like, so I couldn’t say, “And they did it too!” And then
they turned up as witnesses for the defense! “Oh, it’s you guys! Okay…” And their
line for the defense was… that I started it. That was it, I start- like a bloke
puts on makeup and goes out looking for a fight! (pointing to his face) “Come
on! Come on! What’s happening in Cambridge? Where’s all the fighters? Come on!
Fucking ‘ell, I’ll put more on! Come on!” It’s just a standard thing that blokes
do.
So anyway, that all happened, and now I’ve gotta decide which way do I go –
either… because they could have had knives, guns… bazookas! If they’ve got a bazooka,
don’t run away, ‘cause it’s easier to hit someone from a distance. Run towards
them! And grab hold of them. (trying to shoot the bazooka) “Back off! Oh, we’re
both going together!” (explosion) So that’s just handy in case someone pulls out
a bazooka.
So – yeah, either I shut up, or I learn the martial arts, and I’ve always like
the idea of learning a martial art; you know, it’s an Eastern thing, it deals
with balance, movement of the body, speed, you use the other person’s weight and
momentum… And it’s an Eastern thing, in the West, we have no martial arts at all!
We don’t have anyone- we just go… (grunting, kicking and punching) It’s all martial
and no art!
And there was that series on telly, “Kung Fu,” I think with David Carradine
or Keith Carradine, and it was always, “Grasshopper, you must not have a fight;
that is losing to have the fight,” and we’re watching telly, going, “No, go on!
Have a fight.” And it was always, through a half hour episode, (French accent)
“No, I will not fight you, I do not want to do that.” I don’t know why he’s French!
“I will not fight you, I’m French Buddhist.”
But in the end, he’d always fucking go, “Oh, fucking hell!” (mimes kung-fu
fighting) And we go, “Yeah!” and have another cup of coffee… And switch on “The
Six Million Dollar Man.”
But what to learn? There are so many martial arts! There’s tai-chi- a little
too slow, I feel. (mimes fighting in slow-mo) You’ve got that Steve Austin problem…
Jiu-jitsu I learned from a book; I got a book when I was about 14 on jiu-jitsu,
and it had all these- learning martial arts from a book is weird, because you
have all these (mimes different positions from pictures) Fights never quite go
like the pictures, you know? There was one great bit that said that if you’re
in a fight, you grab the hand, you open these fingers here (separates the middle
and ring fingers), you put a pencil in there, and squeeze really hard.
It really hurts! How do you fit that into a fight? I do not know!
“All right, you want to make something of it? Come on, come on! Hang on a second…
(mimes separating fingers) Have you got a pen?” (mimes placing pen between fingers
and squeezing)
“Aaah! Leave the tranny alone, he knows what he’s doing! Get out of here!”
And there’s judo, and kendo- Judo I learned when I was six, I was at school,
where it was compulsory in Wales. Kind of… a bizarre headmaster. (Welsh accent)
“I’m bringing in judo this year, as compulsory for everyone- from six years old
upwards must learn it, so that we can have a lot of fights with people in white
pajamas.”
Or kendo, kendo is the one, because if you want to learn one is great, because
you have a lot of padding up your legs, a big body suit of armor, and then a head
mask and a bat. You’re way ahead! “I will fight you, but first I must go
to my car…” (hums while putting on body armor) ‘Oh, happy day…’ Right, now, you
where saying?” (mimes using the bat)
20. Lawnmowers
I’m a fan of machines as well, I like machines; when I was a kid- you know
how you have that spark of invention? I invented a helicopter that goes under
water! Bit of a death trap… But the spark was there, you know?
And the Grim Reaper, I think, should update. You know, he has the Scythe of
Death! But there was a point when the scythe was a very modern piece of equipment,
just after the Iron Age. People saying, “You’ve got a scythe? What the hell is
that? We’ve just got wooden scissors. (mimes using hedge scissors) Get Mr. Digital
over here!”
The Grim Reaper should update; it’s 1997, get the scythe, throw it away, and
get a lawnmower! One of the big petrol-driven ones! (sounds of lawnmower starting)
It’ll look great, walking along- “All the dead people get in the bin where the
grass goes!” And then he could do those turns, like your Dad did with the lawnmower.
(mimes moving lawnmower around with blades in the air) They scared the shit out
of me! Because they were eating grass- eating grass, eating grass… oh, no grass,
no grass, no grass! They’d go spare when you took them off the ground. And we
had one, when I lived in Northern Ireland, and my Dad would start it up- it’d
always take three goes to start it up; I think he wanted to get a crowd. He was
there- “One-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne… no. (mimes adjusting knobs on mower)
One-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne… don’t think so.” (mimes adjusting knobs again, sounds
of lawnmower starting) There’s all these bits to adjust… And I realize, ‘cause
I drive a car now, there was a choke there, a starter there, accelerator, brake,
radio, glove compartment… The glove compartment is a lie in cars, isn’t it? You
know, you never have gloves in the glove compartment; you never open it, and 50,
60 pairs of gloves… gloves everywhere, I’m drowning in gloves! Glove death.
Inside the glove compartment, there’s usually a bit of an apple, a cassette with
no holder, and a map of Belgium, or something, you know?
Yes, we had the big lawnmower, it was much better than the one my Granddad
had, which was a “push me-pull you”, related to the cleaning equipment of the
same name. My Granddad had that little triangle mower… (sounds of push lawnmower
as he mimes using it)
And the grass would go, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! Stay down, lads, stay down. It’s
just an air raid, no problem.” And it’d flatten the lawn out, put it away, and
they’d go “phhhmp!” (mimes lawn springing back up) as he was walking away. And
my Gran would be in the kitchen, adjusting a cake on her head- “The lawn’s even
bigger, Granddad.” That was weird, when your Gran called your Granddad “Granddad,
“and you were there going, “He’s your Granddad too? Are you my sister? And you’re
my Father’s Mother? What the fuck went on in this family?!” Yeah…
21. They Lie To Us
Toasters! Toasters are good! Like them, like toast, mmm… You’ve got a toaster
there, but it has a turny-dial knob thing on the side… and it lies to us. It does
not tell the truth! For it has numbers from one to six, and they lie… You
set on four, you put bread in on four, and boom, comes up three! Three! This is
three toast, not good at all! Hardly done. You set and change to five,
and it comes up six! Six! This is six, all burnt! All burnt! Scrape, scrape, scrape-
oh, fuck it! Forget it! ‘Cause the toaster is in there, going,
“Stay down, lads! Stay down! Stay down, go for the burn! No pain, no
gain! No fish, no fowl! No socks, no shoes! No hair, no haircut!”
And the other toast is going,
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I don’t know… I felt like saying it.”
I think, with toast, it’s one and a half times for each piece of toast. Correct
me if I’m wrong here. Toast goes in, comes up; immediately, you don’t even look
at it, you whack it straight down again… and you wander around the kitchen with
one eye on the toaster… The whole automated idea is lost, as you have to… (mimes
running to check on the toast)
‘Cause the toast waits, and it’s going, “Wait, wait until he looks at the cup
of soup… wait ‘till he looks at the cup of soup…” And you’re there, going, “Cup
A Soup? Pot Noodle? Cup A Soup? Pot Noodle? Oh, no, it’s burning! It’s burning!
Oh, no! In the bin!
And it gets stuck in there, and you know you’re not supposed to put a knife
in… But you’re an adult now! It’s your toaster! You wanna live on the edge!
“Get knives in toaster! Get knives, and forks and all cutlery in the toaster!
Use a whisk as well! Whisk, whisk, whisk… Get it in! Take it and do it in the
bath! In the bath! Turn the water on! Eat a jam sandwich at the same time! Light
matches, burn the house down!”
The same people who make toasters make showers… for they have a turny button
too that lies. For we know “turn-turn-turn” for hot, “turn-turn-turn” for
cold, but the only position we’re interested in is the position between there…
and there. One nanomillimeter between fantastically hot and fucking freezing!
Everyone who gets into a shower, they immediately become like a safe-breaker.
(mimes safebreaker moves) You have two positions in the shower, one position is
this… (mimes safebreaker stand) and the other position is that! (mimes
standing away from piping hot shower) “Aah! Jeez! What the hell?” (mimes getting
in water, and moving away) Aah! Stop using taps! Everyone in West London, stop
using taps!”
And there’s someone in the same bathroom as you, going (mimes washing hands)…
“Hey, stop using taps, I’m in the shower!”
“ I’m not using taps, I’m running a mouse over my hands. See, we need a generator
in the Ark, and the mouse is gonna run around. Noah is downstairs with the Ark.”
And Noah is shouting up the stairs, (as Connery) “Hey, the Ark is double-parked
in a puddle. We gotta move on.” It’s true, it’s in The Bible.
22. The Flight of the Volkswagen
But planes are the big machines, the great, big flying machines… I first flew
when I was four months old, and I had a really big problem with throwing up, so
that must have been a really fun trip! Throwing up is controlled by the inner
ear, you’ve got three little bones in there… (singing) ‘Three little bones in
school are weird…’ And they’re called malleus, incus and stapes, and they control
hearing… and vomiting. Don’t know why they quite go together, must have
been God going,
(as James Mason) “In the ear, we should have hearing and vomiting as well.
Yes, that would be fun.”
“No, no, vomiting for stomach – stomach-vomiting, surely… the control…”
“No, for you I think it will be fun… Then you can make someone vomit and hear
them vomiting too.”
Which is why, if someone goes (vomiting sounds), you hear it, and go, “Oh!”
(vomiting sounds while miming a chain reaction effect)
And the inner ear sends signals to the brain, so normally you’re walking along
the road, and the inner ear is going, “He’s walking along the road, going up a
slight incline, turning to the left, going down… going down some stairs, with
a weird arm movement.”
And I would walk on the same room, and the inner ear was obviously going, “He’s
in a tumble dry! Tumble dry! On a humpback bridge! Tumble dry! Looping the loop
in an aeroplane! Loop! He’s now gone into a barrel, and is rolling down the hill!
Rolling!”
But now it’s cool, much better, and I had to go- fly last year on the tour,
which was from Cork to Belfast, only six passengers, and someone turned up and
said, “Well, we’re not gonna put you on the 747 ‘cause that would be laughable…
so we’ve got a Volkswagen Beetle with wings for you.”
We had our bags, you didn’t give them to anyone, you just walked with them…
(mimes walking with bags) Obviously, I didn’t walk like this, that was comedy
for me; I was walking like this (walks with arms down the side of the body) But
that’s a better mime position… otherwise, you just think I’m walking. But that’s
with bags, you see? In case you ever need it, you know… in Nigeria… they’re big
in mime in Nig- never mind…
So, yes, I was walking on with the bags, and going through, you know, this
very small airport, so you walk through a wooden doors, and someone goes, ‘Beep!’
“Oh, there’s a problem there, I better check.” And walking cross the runway to
get to the plane… you ever did that walking with your bags across the runway to
get to a plane? You feel like “The Beatles,” yeah? There’s squealing girls, going
(high pitched) “Aaah!”
We got there, the pilot was right by the plane, and it was just like going
on holiday with your Dad, he’s going,
“Come on, come on! Come on, you don’t need that!” (mimes throwing away something)
“It’s my bag! Bloody hell…”
“Come on, get in! We’re gonna miss the clouds! Come on!”
So we get in, he was taxiing over to the runway… (mimes driving in reverse)
“Come on, heads down! Put your heads down, I can’t see! Come on!” And it was right
there- I was sitting right here, I could touch him on the shoulder; it was just
like in the car with your Dad, but even though he could turn around and talk to
us, he was still doing, “This is your pilot speaking… Welcome to flight… one,
from here to there, we’re gonna be flying at a height of 10 feet, going up to
a height of 12.5 feet if we see anything big… Your copilot today is a thermos
of coffee.” I thought there was a rule in flying that you have to have two pilots,
in case one of them goes, “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” (mimes fainting) And the other
one goes, “I’ll take over!” (singing “Dance of the Walkyries”) “I’ve got one of
my own!” (singing continues) “Oh, right here!” People in the back, “I’ve got one!”
We had a thermos of coffee that was gonna fly us out!
And he’s there, doing this stuff, this weekend flying, and they have a word
in airports- the airway industry, they have a thing called “Bird Strike.” It’s
when a flock of birds is just flying along, “Oh, what a wonderful day! The sun
is…” (sucking sound) They go straight through a jet engine! It’s called “bird
strike,” and it’s a misnomer, it’s not true, because the birds are not striking;
its an engine suck! The engine making bird soup mélange, you know?
These birds aren’t going, “Who is my bird strike, eh? Johnny humans with these
big metal buggers, they piss me off! I vote we go for a bird strike! Alfie,
Ginger, Stevie, “Feathers” Stevens, “Big Beak” O’Reilly, Jimmy “The Penguin,”
are you with me? No, you’re a penguin, so you just stay here… Come on, let’s do
bird strike!” (singing “Dance of the Walkyries”) “Faster, faster! 747!” (sucking
sound) And just before they go through, do they go, “Look, it’s Rod Stewart on
first class!” (sucking sound) We don’t know…
23. Death by Chocolate
But they do the safety announcements there; my guy in my plane was going,
“The safety instructions – a little announcement here, the safety exits are here…
right next to me. If you see me go through this door, then, please follow
me quickly.”
If you’ve been in a big aeroplane recently, no one’s listening- there’s a
problem, I believe, where no one’s listening to the security announcements, you
know, the safety things, ‘cause everyone’s going, “Yeah, yeah… there, there and
there, lights flash, flash, put the thing, pull the cord, and death.” It’s
a kind of, “yeah, all right, you know…” But the pilots have been told to sort
of kick up the importance of these speeches, and they’re going, “No, no, please!
Please do listen to the safety- please do, because… because we changed things
around, now, yes; you don’t know what we’re doing. We’re putting the lifejacket
on back to front now, and some of the safety exits are false; they’re not true
at all. And listen very carefully, because I’ve got a bad feeling about this flight,
I don’t think we’re gonna make it…”
After that announcement, everybody was going, “Show me, show me! Show me everything!
Right, show me again… That’s good… No, fuck it, I’m putting it on now!” (mimes
putting on lifejacket and pulling the cord) “Yes, I’ll have a cup of coffee, thanks.”
And they have these lifejackets, and you pull them and… (mimes jacket inflating)
And you’ve got a little pipe here for top-up. And I don’t know about you, but
I don’t want top-up! I want stays up! Top up implies hole in it, implies having
to (mimics blowing on valve and sinking) I want fucking stays up, no hole in the
first place, thank you very much!
Bloody top-up! It’s all sort of “tea and crumpets with the Vicar” – “top-up,”
you know… You crash in the Atlantic, bobbing around… “Oh, you’re a survivor as
well? Care for a top-up? Couldn’t top me up, could you? (chuckles nervously) No,
I didn’t need it; I’m just trying to break the ice… Hey, float over here, float
over here… Look, two pipes- panpipes!“ (playing melody on pipes)
It’s 2,000 miles to Europe, 1,000 miles to America, you’ve got your whistle…
(whistle sounds) A little light, going “beep, beep, beep…” And after a while,
a pilot fish comes up, “Hey, hey! That’s my gag! Oh… weird people…” And there’s
Noah, shooting around on a speedboat – (as Connery) “If anyone’s got big ears,
you can get in and sit on the side… photos, for The Bible!”
So I was in my aeroplane, in my small aeroplane, and the guy’s there, and
we had drinks and light refreshments, once we got above the clouds. And the coffee
comes back from the thermos, “Oh, cheers! Here you go, mate…” and it goes back,
and he had this wicker basket with biscuits in it- kind of digestive, not terribly
interesting; so I take the best ones, and it goes back to the guy in the back,
“Oh, these are crap.” You know when you’re not hungry, but then you get
offered a biscuit, you want something better than that. “I didn’t want anything,
but oh… what have you got? Oh…”
So I’m nibbling my biscuits and drinking my coffee, and I notice, out of the
corner of my eye, that the pilot reaches under his jacket, and pulls out chocolate
biscuits! And in a flash, I realize he’s hidden them there; he’s taken them
out of the wicker basket, and hidden them underneath! ‘Cause I knew that, because
that’s what I would have done… you know, when you have friends around, and you
go, “You want some biscuits? I’m just gonna get some biscuits.” And you’re off
in the kitchen, and you go, “I’ll just have one…” (mimes stuffing his face) Someone
comes up,
“You want a hand?”
(choking) “Oh, no… I’m just letting this mouth run over my hands here…”
So the pilot’s there, eating chocolate biscuits, and I’m going,
“Hey, chocolate biscuits! Hey! Digestive-crap biscuits!”
“Get off! I’m the pilot, you know… Stress… chocolate biscuits. What the hell!”
“No, customer! Customer’s always right! No digestive-crap biscuits!”
“Fuck off! Five years training for this, hard time! Chocolate biscuits! Perks
of the trade!”
“Well, I don’t agree…”
“Fucking… “ (sounds of aeroplane nose-diving)
“Hold on, hold on!”
“What were you saying about chocolate biscuits?!”
“No, fine, have the chocolate biscuits! I don’t care! I don’t care!”
(sound of plane resuming normal position) “Chocolate biscuits…”
20 minutes later, he reaches and pulls out Jammie Dodgers! “Jammie
Dodgers?” (sound of plane nose-diving and explosion) And we hit a mountain… and
I died.
So that was the end of that plane flight, and that is also the end of the
show. Thank you very much for being here. Good night.
24. Armageddon (Encore)
(Eddie comes out, humming a tune) Okay… the Book of Revelations, right? That’s
where it all ends, and the Book of Revelations has got Armageddon, which is Australian
for “Armageddon out of here at the End of the World.” That’s where it came from,
where it derived from. And it’s the End of the World, and it’s translated, and
people look at the Book of Revelations, going, “Oh, the end’s gonna come from
the world of politics, or the world of economics, perhaps the world of technology…”And
I have a love-hate relationship with technology, I do love it, but I can hate
it really big time.
And we’re split into two groups – we have people with techno-fear. We know
the techno-fear people, they’re there going, (mimes operating computer) “Wh- I
wiped the file? I’ve wiped all the files?! I’ve wiped the internet?!
I don’t even have a modem!” I don’t have that, I don’t have techno-fear, I have
techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get the new machines; every new
machine I get, I think, “This is the one! I won’t have to work again, I’ve got
this thing!” And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap
it, and throw the instructions out the window! “Forget them, fuck ‘em!
I must know how this works, I’ve used machines before…” (mimes typing furiously)
“Come on… come on! Come on! This bit comes off, I think…” (pulls and breaks
bit) And you smash it with a hammer! I get really fucked off with the machines…
And everyone on films are so swish, so smooth on computers… (mimes operating
computer and data coming up on screen) So expert on their computers…
“Breaking into the Pentagon computer… double click on “yes…” Oh, password protected!
20 billion possible chances… eh… JEFF… Hey!”
“How did you know?! How did you know it’d be ‘Jeff’?”
“Ah, I knew there’d be a back door.”
In films, there’s always a back door.
“The guy who made the software, you see? He left a back door, so that he could
get back in when he wanted, and look around, and look at all the missiles, and
go, (creepily) “Ooh!” and put one on his head. The guy who made the software was
called Jeff Jeffty Jeff, born on the first of Jeff 19Jeffty Jeff, so I put in
Jeff, and hey!”
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen one character in a film on a computer
in a realistic way, going… (mimes a tentative computer user) Oh, no, no…“ (moves
monitor around) “Let’s put the printer there… the computer… right… Instructions,
hold on… “Book of Revelations…” Okay, right, “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print!
‘Cannot access printer’? It’s here. (lifts monitor to show the printer
to it) I can access printer! Why the fuck can’t you access printer? I plugged
you in! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print!” And it’s
as if the computer is going,
“I’m not sure what you’re trying to do.”
“I’m trying to print! “Ctrl+P” print!”
“Ah, but there’s something you haven’t done…”
“What? Tell me what it is, I’ll do it! I’ll do it! I’ve got it here…”
“No, I can’t tell you.”
(typing commands) “Fuckin’ tell me! Just- “Ctrl+P” print! It’s five
in the morning! It’s only a paragraph! I just want to get this fucker printed
out! I used the fax-modem earlier, and that fucked it up, didn’t it? I can’t fucking
access the bloody thing, it’s not being used by something else. I’m using the
printer port… fucking… “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! Print “Ctrl+P”!
Print “Ctrl+P”! “Ctrl+P” print! (gibberish) ‘A problem of type 2094 has occurred.’
What the fuck is that? What are the 2,093 other problems I just made to get to
that one? “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! “Ctrl+P” print! (gibberish) Oh, don’t
do that… Don’t you crash on me, you… bastard! Go- I’m so tired!
You have no… “
“I’m not sure what you’re trying…”
“You do! You do! Right, I’ll get that going – (using fingers and his
knee as well) “Esc+Ctrl+P+Alt… Esc+Ctrl+P+Alt… fucking… Right, I’m phoning Amsterdam,
you bastard! (mimics dialing) Hello, Amsterdam- you speak very good English, well
done!
Bordered by four countries, I know… Yeah, a lot of problems in land work… Yes,
I’ve got a Macintosh computer plugged in to a Cannon bubble jet printer, and…
Yes’ I’ve been into the Chooser- into the Printers File, and chosen “Cannon Bubble
jet Printer…” Yes, I’ve been to the Chooser file and chosen Printer Port, which
is the same as the fax-modem port, which confuses the fuck out of me… I’ve chosen
A4 paper instead of toilet paper, yeah, I know that… I’ve chosen the picture of
the dog standing straight up instead of the dog lying on the side, it’s got a
problem, the taxidermist had to go early- what the fuck? It’s five in the morning!
It will not print out! There’s something definitely wrong with the… There’s an
“ON” switch on the printer, is there?” (mimes hanging up and printing normally)
And there’s always one fucking thing you haven’t done… And I think
that’s how- if there’s an end of the world through technology, it will happen
through that; some American general in the Pentagon, going, “Jesus Christ! It’s
5:00AM, will you bloody work?!” Smashing the whole thing with a huge… (mimics
explosion) The whole world goes..! Which will be interesting… But if it does go,
I think I’ll carry on gigging, ‘cause I quite like it. Thank you very much, good
night.
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