Original Transcription by: India Paige

(OPENING: Sexie Theme, Psychedelics)


So... Uh... Eastbourne, Hey, you crazy Motherfuckers! {Crowd: HEY!!} Now, Uh I used to go to school here, and this is the school uniform that we wore when I was here and kind of funky it was too.

OK...Uh...So... Uh... I better explain the Tits. Umm, Didn’t have those at school, wanted to, but not in the school curriculum, even though I asked.

Not really though, well cause I would’ve got my head kicked in, oh yes sir. Um er, so the breast thing, so as a transvestite it’s my job, right eh, just wearing breasts, that’s it, nothing,…Don’t get hung up about it, but you see, initially, when I was first came out I was with breasts, "Mitts Breasts" as the Germans say, "Avec Breasts", "Cons Breasts", being european, I know these language...

And ah, that’s the first thing I say whenever I get to Germany, France, and Spain, or South America even, but I and I was with them, and er, it didn’t seem to work, cause no matter how much make up or how high they held, people just kept saying, ”Yes, Sir!, Would you like tea with that Sir?!”

“Yes, I would like tea, why don’t you put it on my breasts?”

"Certainly, tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir? No?"

So, I thought its not working, so I threw my breasts out of the window of my Lamborghini (points to his head, and whispers) “In my mind”...

No, I threw those breasts out of the window of my Ford Fiesta, “In my mind” (points to his head and whispers)

Actually, I threw them out, over the handlebars of my bicycle, (points to his head and whispers) “In my mind” (Mouths)

…and they hit a small child, who ran, "Mom, Mom, Mom…I’ve been attacked by a jellyfish! A jelly fish drive by shooting, just like south central L.A.”


“Jellyfish attacked me!”

“Where are the tentacles?”

“Umm they probably burned up in reentry, they were coming from mars Mom.”

“Can I keep them and shove them up my jumper?”

Penis Ambivalence

So, I was sans breasts, ulna breasts, or what ever the other one is and I then thought, no I have breast envy! And Freud wrote about penis envy and which I don’t understand actually, myself, penis, I’m sort of penis neutral, you know like penis, Uh what’s the?

Um not envy? Then there’s …What’s the opposite of envy?

Huh? (asking audience, who is answering back …)

What? What? Ambivalent!

YES! Very good thank you, Penis Ambivalence!! Yes, yes well-done Eastebourne, a bit more noise??? But good (Listening to audience) What?

You're welsh! Fantastic, that’s great, I’m European, and so are, you, we all are... And uh there’s fighting, and Err err arhh, (Mimes two people scrapping…)

“There will always be a China” (Singing) (Mimes, carrying/waiving a flag)

So, Ambivalence and Welsh. Uh I don’t think/know if they go together, but it’s a very good heckle anyway, I have penis ambivalence, thank you, or what is the one in the middle?

Penis Nonchalants? I have Penis Nonchalants! Really, I’m very nonchalant about penises. I try to make sure I wear a pair of trousers, occasionally, or a skirt, or what ever, really, and just don’t wave it about at the vicar, not just throw at him on his Lamborghini, in his Lamborghini, (mimes writing on a small tablet) Fucked that up…right...

That’s the trouble with ad-libbing, you can fuck up, its danger, you see have got to enter danger, and nonchalant or ambivalence or penis.

Origami Wizards

There’s four sides, it’s one of those; (mimes having 4 sided finger origami toy on his hands)

You go…Zhr, Zhr, Zhr, Zhr. Ambivalence! Zhr, Zhr, Zhr, Zhr. Lamborghini, Zhr, Zhr, Zhr, Zhr.

I used to do those, I can’t remember, what? It was who you would going to kiss basically, I seem to remember, only certain people knew how to make them, AND THEY WERE WIZARDS!!! And they could command things, I tell you…must die! (Oh Fuck!) And that must be passed down isn’t it? Like the ability to make paper airplanes, its only, you know that gets passed down.

I know I make a really good one, Where was I taught that?…Probably up the road at Saint B’s…very good model airplanes, I think it was there. Might have been Wales, because I was in Wales too, I’ve been everywhere. Oh yes, very well traveled when I was a kid, because you know my Dad said, "Go! Go were you want"

"I’m going to Wales, Dad"

And I did, I cycled to Wales from here, from back at (unintelligible) I did! And I got all the way there and on the way back, I got bored and took a train. That’s me and the crowds were smaller, and the…OK that’s too weird that joke, isn’t it?

That’s too nonchalant Slash ambivalent Slash Penis Slash, Ooh painful,…Umm

Don’t laugh like that please! Um, what happened? Oh starts with the breasts, starts with the breasts, then I thought, no I’ll go back and get some breasts, so I went to the breast shop which is you know, your local hussy, (high street) a pair of these breasts Sir, and then it was just like that scene in Harry Potter where John Hurt, is behind “Ah, and why not a pair of THESE??”

(Mimes being batted about the face by flying winged breasts)

I think not those breasts! Or John Hurt says, “Maybe the double D’s, would suit you…”

So, that was good and they do have advantages and I hear you scream, what advantages ????

And um, silently, but you know they for guys, with tits, you lose weight immediately, I mean, because look your chest is bigger, and you have this concave thing going on, and look (motions, with profile gestures to his torso…)

Look, well quite right with a fucking corset thing on, but look, there, but that you know, people go “Hey you lost weight”. No, I’ve got Big Tits!

“Ah! I thought it was a haircut or something, going on there,” so, that’s good.

The Silence of Flying

And you can pull your boobs out, and you can strap them around your ears on a airplane with a bandage, cuts the noise down, you know...

“Sorry, I beg your pardon”…

Especially with they’re children crying, there’s always a child crying on an airplane, It’s the LAW! Now...(pantomimes, with baby cry noises, Wahh, ahhh, wahhh) even if there’s no child crying they seem to go “Where are the children?”

“Has anyone got a child here? Right, Come on then”

“No I don’t want to go, Wahh, ahh, waah”

“No, I don’t want to go to DENVER” “YOU’RE GOING TO DENVER, NOW COME ON”.

“Sit down and keep crying, if you stop, I’ll use the fork! “

Because that’s on the plane, have you been on a plane? NO Knives anymore! Just that plastic-y knife which seems a bit sharp actually to me. But the fork of course, a metal lethal weapon, nobody could do any harm with that if they stuck a fork in your jugular, you’d be “Ahhha, “ (Mimes)

“No real pain, just a lack of blood problem, Aahh.” The forks are dangerous, they are going to go soon.

Please, sir can I have some more?

Then there’ll just be the spoons, and people will be attacking with the spoons (mimes attacking with a spoon) Then they’ll take the spoon away and there’ll just be the cheese. Cheese. Cheese. And cheese please (Mimes with attacking arm motions) We do get crap on meals, don’t we on planes. You know. To the extent that you get on ‘em and then it all becomes so precious you know.

(Imitating some sod drooling over something in between his hands)

“Ooohh, ahha, uuhh, the cheeses, and things. ” (Garbled) Ooohh Aaahha, little, cheeses, salads, Salad and cheeses (Garbled) And the little individual thingies Can I have more, uh, of these? Ahh uhh, more of the…

(Mimes unwrapping tiny little package between his finger tips, and trying to take little something’s out of a little wrapped package)

More of these Nnni-Nibblies. Only one packet of the, the nibblies? They are very small nibblies! Forty minutes in the air with a small packet, anuh, I could eat a hundred of these fuckers! If I’m going to come on a plane I want more nibblies (Clinching his teeth, angrily) than this!! I've got an allergy to them, but I still want to eat them! Remember nuts? We were eating nuts like crazy, and then there were No nuts! Because people exploded or something…

Mid Air Explosion

Breasts? But you’ve heard of breast implants? These are not implants really though they are. These are not implants, these are nice really they are just ims, not planted. Your regular common old household ims. But they do, you’ve heard on the airplane, explode? That is, ah it happened to me ah, over thirty thousand feet.

(mimes as if he’s just having a conversation on a plane, and then)


(Mimes, wiping exploded jam off of his chest, with one hand a bit, and then mimes reaching up and pushing the service/stewardess button overhead)


(Mimes having a sip of drink while waiting for service)

“Yes, my left breast has just exploded…Have you got a pillow? Or?”

“Oh, and some more nibblie, nibblies please?”

But then you’ve got one L cup boob and a D cup boob, and you get a lot of looks…I already get a lot of looks…well by the end...heck of it, I’ve got the fork…

(Mimes stabbing himself in the right breast, then reaching up and pushing the overhead service call button again.)


"Another pillow please.” And you get off the plane with the biggest tits in Christendom as the crusaders used to say!

New System for the Centuries

That all went wrong didn’t it, the crusaders? That went down, Oh, Oooh what a mess. Like oh that Salida, eh? Very thirteenth century, that joke. Or should I say twelve hundreds? Isn’t that just the bane of history? The fact that when they say thirteenth century you have no fucking clue what they’re talking about. Unless you are some sort of history expert and you just know that when they say thirteenth century it has nothing to do with the thirteen hundreds, but you immediately go into slow motion:

And so in the thirteenth century, King Dingle Dang exploded his bottom, and you go, “Thhirrrteeen Century, so that’s not the thirteen hundredsss (said in slow motion) so that’s not the twelfth...And of course King Dingle Dangle invented his own buttocks, (Again in slow motion) “So that’s not the twelve, and its not the fourteen, its either the twelve or the fourteen,” (regular)

And you have to go back to the naught century and that’s the first century and then he went to china and bought a packed lunch and...

So it must be the twelve hundreds, what?

My idea radical as it may be is to say if it’s the twelve hundreds it’s the twelfth century...Why the f++hell not?

Who knows, loads of people would sign up for history and yes yes I want to do history, tell me who was Salida? Who was he, did he do salad did he do a cooking program?

(Mimes writing on a small tablet in the palm of his left hand)

“Should be funnier” He’s doing Islamic Cooking jokes, what next?

(Mimes writing on the pal of his hand/again)

Ad libbed it as well...Why am I writing on my fingers? No one cares!

But anyway all that’s true and the other thing and that proves some of my theories, um, where the fuck was I what was I talking about? (Leans ear toward audience)

Breasts, yes I know generally, but how far down the breast line was I? Oh Oh yes, exploding in airplanes, TRUE! TRUE! TRUE! Except the lies.

Now also you can grab your boobs and women do, I haven’t seen women do this, when your talking to officials, I find it very, you know just ...

(Has his left hand on his breast circling around the aureole with his fingers…)

“What? How fast was I going? I don’t even have a car…” (Fondling his breast)

Seventy miles an hour is good, it is a right figure. Or a Bank Manager, “Oh I think four hundred pounds is not a lot to ask for”

(While fondling breast with hand, and squeezing somewhat)

(Imitates Bank manager, through his teeth) Don’t you think that’s too much to ask for?

Bank mangers get very, “Yes, alright a million pounds, go on” (Acting very shaken)

“You big breasted boy”

Superheroes and Transvestites are one in the same

And also I have decided to associate with superheroes…because we like super heroes; we have a human thirst for super heroes. We have many. We’ve got the X men, the Y men, The B Men, the C men, No probably not those, Spiderman, Superman, Catman, BATMAN, DOGMAN, FROG MAN (Getting faster paced in rattling these names off) Um? Elephant man? Not a superhero. Less, in the girls department, there’s Wonderwoman, and there’s Supergirl, and there's the Catwoman, who is just sexy, but fit women in tight clothing, I think there should be more of that, I mean as a male lesbian, I am totally in flavor of that.

So and that’s now, superheroes, and it goes all the way back to the Greeks, I mean Greek heroes; they had tons of them Achilles! Greek hero, with the Achilles? Uh is it the Achilles ankle? the Achilles ankle?(whispers)

HEEL, sorry (from the audience)

Achilles had the Achilles heel, but I don’t think it was like if he flicked it he dropped dead, that doesn’t make sense I think it was more like a funny elbow you know? And I guess he just had a bit of a wobbly one, and if you got it you just went

OW! Ow! OW! Ooh Ow Oh, Then he’d fall on a spike!

Now Agamemnon, he had an Agamemnon neck! That was his weak spot, you know if you caught him with an axe just there (hand against the back of his neck) he didn’t like that, and as his head rolled off, he’d go Ooh, Ooh bugger!

Agamemnon and his Chicken’s Eulogy:

And he’d go into emergency chicken mode. (Starts to trot in a circle) Dun dun dun, Dun dun dun…Because that’s what chickens do, as soon as their heads off, they lean in slightly as they do that circle, keeps them going. it’s a centrifugal force. Chickens are going, What to do, what to do, I’ve no head, I’ve no head, I can’t think I can’t think! I have no head, Why? Uh? Invade Birmingham? No? Look for my strategic sense! Fucking chicken, I’m not doing circles anymore, what am I doing? Whooaa?/Poomfsh!

Well uh I mean chicken undertakers have a hell of a time…

“Here lies Steve the chicken, he died 23rd of July 1927, at 3:30 p.m., 3:35 p.m.; 4? About 4 o’clock in the…later that day Here he, (muffled sigh…) he is not actually buried here cause he was a chicken and we ate him, if only he could pull the wish bone from his body and make a wish…that should be funnier…Aah, anyway that’s all from me, my jobs a weird job, speak to you soon, love from Kenny PS My thumb hurts!

Yeah Agamemnon! So AJAX, HE WAS ALSO THERE. HE WAS LIKE THE CLEANER. He was like the Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. And there was King Many Layers who was like sponge cake Ahhh, got a groan, got a groan …did you see that? Yes, yes, you see there, I got a groan…no oh I got a groan… you see? That was a groaner. King Many Layers I shouldn’t have used that one…

I didn’t that was someone else (mimes a conversation with himself)

Is that your shoulder or what? We, we’ll cut all this out…We’ll cut the whole show out up till now. Now we’ll start O.K.? Umm Hang on, I’ve got a scratch, (Scratched his right cheek of the buttocks) If your wearing a skirt you’re not supposed to scratch, girls never scratch apparently or go to the loo or is that the royal family I don’t know the royal family never go to the loo, apparently. They just store it up and then right before they die they go BBBLLLHHHGGSSSSHHH!!

(Bronx cheer sort of noise as he mimes, a great evacuation of fluids) (Mimes pushing a broom to clean it up)

Yeah, the queen's dead. It just came to me…I’m just ad libbing, it probably doesn’t happen that way, there’s probably other people that have tubes and things…Now….Uh, DON’T EVEN GO THERE!!!! DON’T GO THERE!!!! You’re filthy! Um anyway Uh...


Um Umm so then on the Trojan side of course, you’ve got Helen.. Who says I mean, Paris seems like a personal shopper to me,

(In a high pitch queenish type inflection…)

“Uh yes I’ve just been there and uh I've got new socks and everything and I found this woman Helen.” I mean, how, how did he get her to go?

(Imitation a high pitch Paris again.)

“Come, Come on Helen let's go.”

(As Helen) “I don’t know, it might cause a rumpus..”

I don’t think so, come on…(Imitation a high pitch Paris again..)

Fucking Hell, what a rumpus!

“Dad, I found this woman” (Imitation a high pitch Paris again..)

“Oh, well where’s she from?”

“She’s form Sparta…..”

“Ah you twit!”

“Get upstairs and see if there are any ships on the horizon”

Alright... (Mimes Paris going up a flight of circular stairs, in heels…)

“Oh I got dizzy! Uh, ships? Yeah, Yea there are ships”

“What? Well how many?”

“Uh, well, ah, All of them!”

(As the Dad..)

“You fuc—...all of Greeks that don’t actually exist yet, in the entire unity, they are all coming! They are all coming, the Spartans, the Athenians, and all the other guys are out there who will later have a civil war just after the Second World War”

(then as Paris again…) “You know your future history…”

“I DO!” (then as Paris again…)

“But Dad, she’s such a bonzer woman and I want to shag her brains in…”

(as Paris’s Dad) “Right, well that’s a good reason, anyway...Come on lets make a horse out of clay”

So, un and that was written up as a book. The whole story. Its called “Oh Fucking Hell, What a Mistake”

And Odysseus he was also there and Odysseus, who did the Odyssey. And he was lucky, if he was Jonathan; he would have done the Jodessee. He was there and he didn’t fight.

“Go on just, kick em in the pants” “Help us Odysseus!”

“I cant," (Mimes eating an apple as he imitates Odysseus) “I’ve got this Odyssey I’m going to do on the way back, so uh and I've already sold the rights to the book”

“You lazy Bastard!”

And he did. He had a huge adventure. He had a thing with a pig, that got lost in a maze, that wasn’t a pig, it was a cow, a big cow wasn’t it? I haven’t read this bit, and Edith Hamilton___

And then there was the thing with the guy, the one eyed guy, called one eyed guy and there were the blue otters or something and the island, the island of Inage? (with the thing?) with the sirens who were beautiful women who would sing…to attract sailors…

(Starts to Mime and Sing.)

“Come over here, with your ships. We are naked shaggable women. Sail your ships over hereand we are shagging each other at the moment," Ahh A “You’re a bit flat Susan” Ahh AH "We have very um-good parking for ships And um berthing things..." And just fuckin come over here “We are not sure what the song was but come over here, won’t you come?”

And the sailors would come, and they would crash up on the rocks and drown and die!

And the women would go Ha Ha Ha (evil kind of laugh) Which is a very girly trick!!! Cause I’ve heard about it at school when I grew up as a boy against my will. But you know, it was very much a violence sort of (Mimes punching, kicking) I wouldn’t actually have a huge amount of fights, cause I would argue, I would go “No! ah No! No No, Uh Uh, United Nations say I’m a special case." And say stuff like that to stop being beaten up that way.

But girls would do the mind control thing it seemed Of “we’re not talking to her” Which is completely EVIL! But boys would do violence which is more stupid and block headed. But the whole bloody Lesb, I don’t know if it was a lesbian island or not, but it sounds fantastic any way, but singing, They were sirens!

They were probably standing up on the cliff going “Whooooo whooooooo whooooo”

(Imitating long wailing sirens) or maybe they were Who oo Whoo oo “(Imitates sirens)

You’re a bit flat Susan” or maybe they were “Bwoo bwoo bwo” (Imitates several different sirens)

Anyway, Odysseus is sailing by going “Someone is trying to break into the Island!” BrrrBrrBrrrBrrum Brrrum Brrrum

(Mimes Odysseus racing across the water in a speed boat)

Probably wasn’t on a speed boat though probably on one of those big rigging boats with the big steering wheel

“Someone is trying to break into the Island!”

(Mimes Odysseus racing across the water in big rigging boat behind a big wheel)

Going someone is trying to break into the island!

Or, or on a bicycle

(Mimes Odysseus racing across the water on a bicycle)

“Someone is trying to break into the Island!”

(Mimes Odysseus racing across the water swimming breast stroke)

“Someone is trying to break into the Island!”

Or Um, “Someone is trying to break into the Island”, Row you fuckers!

(Mimes Odysseus racing across the water standing in a long boat)

This is For the D.V.D.! Different endings!

(Mimes Odysseus swimming free style, and then changes mimes)

Trying to play cricket! Kicks a ball, and looks ahead holding up a finger to stop crooks from breaking in)

“Someone is trying to break into the Island!”

(Repeats mimes of kicking ball, cricket, or soccer.)

“Someone is trying to break into the Island!”

Too many endings! Ok (mimes writing on a small tablet on the palm of his hand)

Soo! That was fun though! And and and then there was Perseus. Perseus was a Greek Hero. Son of Zeus, Per- seus!, You See…Through Ze…“Per- seus!”, Per- seus!, Per- seus!, Per- seus!, Per- seus!, Per- seus!, Per- seus!, Per- seus!,This is a new form of teaching Called shouting at people until they agree.

Well he was the son of Zeus anyway and the mother and thing and the hole in the ground. And, and what happens vause, all the Greek myths you see it looks like they were written by someone with an enormous bag of weed…Going (Mimes taking a hit off a spleef, and exhaling and writing with a pen…)

And then there were all the green monkeys who lived in a sponge cake all decided to dress up as an enormous tart and…it just goes on and on… Perseus goes to a wedding and a King who is getting married says and he goes Oh where’s my wedding present, Oh I forgot, What about my tissues? No that’s not going to work, I wanted the head of Medusa who is a gorgon, From the cheese family. “Bring me her head!”

“What does she look like?”

“She’s got snakes for hair, and if you look at her you turn to stone.”

“All right No Problem, does she get chatted up a lot?” “No not really.”

“All right. I’ll go and get her, what just the head?”

“Yeah, and a wing, maybe, maybe a leg, and some fries as well, freedom fries fuck all”!

And he goes,” Where does Medusa live? Oh I don’t know”

Go to the island where the Grey women live, the three Grey women…

And they have one eye between them that they take out and swap around.

(Mimes taking another hit off a spleef)

It’s in there! You read it.

And then he grabbed the eye, he was advised to grab the eye when they were passing it around…

“Where’s the fuckin eye? I’ve got to go to the loo…Where’s the eye?”

“I’ve got it!”

“Oh bum the guys the visitors got it”

“Umm tell me where Medusa lives?”

“All right lives at number twenty-three...All right, there’s your eye”

“Alright, Ow, lost it,” (Mimes feeling around blindly for it)

“ ow, that’s a marble, ow that’s a tube sock,” low mumble something

(Mimes writing on a small tablet on the palm of his hand) Should be funnier

So he goes there and there are three gorgons there. You don’t remember the other two do you. No! Medusa she lost her head but she got well known for it! The other two are I don’t know, Fred or Jim or something. Medusa, she is, “He’s coming to kill us! the son of Zeus, he’s coming to kill us,”

And the other two are immortal, which is kind of handy:

“No, he’s not coming to kill us,” “Well he might Simon, he might kill you.”

“No I’m immortal,"

“Well what about you Andrew?” “No I’m immortal too”

“Simon and Andrew both immortal? Well uh, where was I when the immortality van came by?” “You were off buying snake food” “Bloody Hell, Hey, I’m going down to the hairdressers”

How did she get her hair done? Cause we wake up in the morning and our hairs all over the fuckin place And then we sort the hair out, She’d wake…Her hair’s all over the place all day, probably hair wakes up before her.

At the Beauty Shop

Put a video about mice on the telly, the fuckin snakes are up. The hairdressers…hate her “Oh bloody hell, it’s Medusa…sit down”

(Mimes a hairdresser trying to get a comb into a head full of snakes)

“So what do you wan…What do you…? Calm Down! Can you tell your hair to calm the fuck down?”“Hey, Give me a hairbrush…Jeannine would you shampoo?”Not on your life! “Just a trim was it?” “Do your roots?”

So yes, Anyway, Perseus he gets given magic things cause the gods like him. And they give him magic hat and a magic trousers,magic tractor, a magic purse, with cap, he ends up killing Medusa with cause, he uses reflective surface, cause you can’t look at her, turn to stone, so, he’s got a shield, to attack, but a shield of course is concave and therefore inverts the image like a box brownie, not only reflects it, but inverts the image so how the fuck do you attack using that? You’d be going…

(Mimes, trying to attack with sword backwards behind himself)

“Could you stand still please.. Are you immortal? You’re one of the immortals? Hi Simon, how are you? Is your sister in?”

(Mimes, talking to Simon through looking in reflection in shield and backwards behind himself)

“No, no reason, Alright I’ll come back later, Ta!”

Crazy bleeding story! Perseus a winged horse and everything, so what about my point? Now my point is that the reason for the super heroes thing, the linkage thing, transvestites and superheroes is because we have a big similarity. Both Super heroes and transvestites, we both have to change before we help people. We have to change clothes before we help people. Except that transvestites don’t actually help people… But apart from that, fantastic similarity.

“Help, Help a small child is hurt. Help us Superman.”

“OK what’s the problem?”
“He’s got abruised, a grazed knee”

OK you want salve on that and then a plaster over the top, are there any others?” “No just him”

“What was there an earthquake? “ (as Superman again)

“No he fell off his bike”

“Right I don’t normally come out for bicycles, I mean that would have mended itself.”

“We just wanted to meet you really…Why do you wear your underwear on the outside?”

“Yes, well I don’t normally get out of bed for less than a helicopter...Is there a helicopter crash?”

“No just his bike, can you mend the front wheel?”

“No fuck off!” (as Superman again)

“Why do you wear your pants on the outside?”

“To save on shopping…washing!”

That second answer got a much better reaction than the first one. Yeah, the first one was wrong. The second one got a huge reaction. Just like I'd won the World Cup compared to…that’s Superman compared to Captain Transvestite…

Help us Captain Transvestite, help a child is a…(Phooosh)

And then twenty minutes to get, changed that’s the fastest I've ever done it.

(Mimes putting on the makeup) (Winces in the mirror)

“I look like a bloke!” (as Captain Transvestite) (Rushes to the scene)

“Wha wha wha what?”

“He’s Dead! He’s Dead Now!”

“Well I came as fast as I could” (as Captain Transvestite)

“Well he’s dead now, gangrene set in”

“That was bloody quick”

“Well he fell on a lump of gangrene you see.”

“Well well I came as fast as I could…”

“You were twenty minutes!”

“Yeah, I had a glass of wine but I mean,”

“Wha? Superman doesn’t have a glass of wine!”

“Well he might he might have liquid fuel injected wine into his body, you don’t know.”

“That’s true I don’t know. But he’s dead now he’s completely dead.”

“I've got a lip-liner!” (as Captain Transvestite)

“What is that going to do?” “I’ll draw a line around him for the police!”

(Mimes outlining the body with a pen or liner,) “Na na fingers, fingers, fingers… fingers …he’s got too many fingers! That not a human child…Martian child Martian child laying here, Martian child Martian child comes from mars not from here Martian child, good at cooking ”

Mars and the Scottish are First on the Moon

They would, the Martians, would make excellent cooking program people! Wouldn’t you tune in? Now, if Martian the first Martian people were doing a cooking program, you’d tune in I think I’ll take that as a huge silent yes!

I should be a politician; I hear your silence and take it as yes this silence I hear as No because I wish it to be...But Mars…… It came to visit us. Mars the red planet. It came so close to the earth and if stood out on top of your house with an extended car aerial, and you had a frog on the end of it who had a long tongue who had a stick insect on the end of that and the stick insect was holding one of those tape measures you had, when you would click it off, and you used as a sword, when you were a kid and it kept going poomf, and you and it would go poomf. And you could make it a certain size, and poomf, and if you had all that and you waggled it around, You could almost touch mars, If you were mad!

Yeah it didn’t actually, It was thirty-five million miles away. That was a long bloody, I mean and I want to be woken up when its AAAAANNNNNHHHHH

AAAAANNNNNHHHHH (Make the sound of a loud fog horn) That’s the noise you need isn’t it?

I mean when the space ships go by in the SCI fi films


“Mom Mom Mom, mars is at the kitchen window go look!”AAAAANNNNNHHHHH Number twenty-three is gone. AAAAANNNNNHHHHH Medusa’s had it. AAAAANNNNNHHHHH

I want Mars to be so bloody close you could nip out into the garden and just leap up and Mars’ gravity will grab you and go Fwump uh bomp

(Mimes being grabbed up in the air, and then sucked back down to earth again)

Fwump uh bomp, Fwump uh bomp Fwump uh bomp Fwump uh bomp

And you say “Kids step outside for a bit of bomp” “Alright Mom”

“Mom Mom Johnny’s stuck on mars”

“Well we’ll catch him the next time around.”

How long does it take for mars to go around? Oh about, dot dot dot, don’t know How long does it take for mars to go around? What is a Martian day like? How long? Wha? Week? Was that a week, So somebody pass that around What what was that a week? Was that a week Yeah? Yeah! What ever I said, a week Edit that together you see, (Shakes head no) but if we, we, I mean I find it exciting, I don’t know about you but I do find the mars coming to…I mean it went from one pinprick in the sky to three pinpricks, in the sky. I was in Los Angeles in my Lamborghini (in my mind); I was going around a polo stick in Los Angeles (in my mind);I was in Eastbourne in my Lamborghini (in my mind!) No I wasn’t, I was on Mars, looking at earth, fuck it, I don’t know where I was, but it went from a little pinprick to three pinpricks ! And I went Ahh HAH hah! Ah, oh no there it is, Ahhh But its exciting in a tedious type of way isn’t it? But it’s exciting in a sort of Oh Fuck off because they went to the moon The Americans and the Russians went to the moon.

And I think the Russians were ahead, I think they were actually first up and then the Americans got up and then the Russians went round and round the earth (rrrrhhh rrrh errr) and then the Americans (rrrrhhh rrrh errr) and then the Russians went with a fish a dog and a cat and a monkey and a tractor up there, and they were going to the moon and it was Russia. America, who was going to be first? And Russia went I don’t whanna go to the moon!!! (whining) “I’m fed up anyway I never wanna go anywhere,” I don’t know what they did, maybe they thought “There’s only rocks there” but with a Russian accent, “There's only rocks there on the marsh moon” I borrowed this accent from a shop so I m not sure if its right...

“There’s only gray rocks there on the moon you know ,” “Do you think so? I think so, I think that it is pointless for us to go there,”

(All in heavy accent)

“We will find only gray rocks and we will waste a load cash that would be spent on vodka” “I am a thinkin too that we 'ave become Scottish aye from the north am I”

What alot of fun with that first accent, I don’t know but they went, Mars, well there’s not much up there, there's red rocks, on the moon there's gray rocks, on mars there's red rocks, and that’s the end this is boring. Its like archaeology, you know, I mean archaeology, that a slow thing isn’t it? It can’t be speeded up.

I’m secretly a Pirate who digs ditches

Cause archaeology's got three bloody vowels in the middle. Arch aye EE II oology, I mean what the hell is going on there? Did someone just unload a bunch of vowels in the middle of it? Cause that’s where you get your accents.If you look at accents there all just changes in vowels. There's all aee, aa eee ooo uuu it’s not the consonants. They’re always Kssk quissk ksk thhisssk quisssk...

But archaeology, Arch aye aye ee II oology as you go around the country its Archaeology, (with accent) Archaeology, (with another accent) Archaeology, (with another accent) Archaeology, (with another accent) Arch aye ee II oology ,(with another accent) Some of these counties don’t exist of course,Oh you’re doing a bit of ,(with another accent) Arch aye ee oology Archaeology, (with another accent) Archaeology, (with another accent)

But the Time-team! Archaeologists on the drug speed and that’s what you want...Speed this fucking thing up (under his breathe) Dig dig dig! Cause the normal stuffs kind of slow. They say you found stuff, Archaeologists you found stuff?

“What have you found? What have you found?”

With my circular thing (Mimes holding instrument up to eyes)

“Well give us a toothbrush and ten years and well tell you”

“Give you a toothbrush and ten years and you’ll tell me?

Are you captain of the alliteration club?”

Four, Five, Six… Its just you know, Time team, you know that’s three days and you dig stuff up. And it just fuckin Dig dig, dig it up dig it up.

(Mimes a slave driving team leader talking to crew in trenches)

“Keep working; Dig dig what is it….?”“Wha what I’ve dug a big hole? (What is it?)

Its Greek its Spanish its Venezuelan, I don’t know it’s…Some guy, some dead guy.”

I like it, and I went and helped them I love the Time Team, and I saw ten episodes of it, and no I've seen episodes for ten years of the Time Team, and they had a celeby come and dig a ditchy type thing, and I came and dug a ditchy, and I really, I hadn’t dug a ditchy. In all my life, I'd never dug a ditch; I never did much ditch digging you know I did sand castles and then I dug that fuckin, and I dug, and nothing in it and that’s true to archaeology sometimes there was nothing in there.

Except for some worms, going “Have you seen Medusa? We are her hair in later years…”“Oh really, do you do a tight perms?” “Yes we can.”

When I first came out as a transvestite, I thought I should go and get a perm. ’So I went and I got a perm in England some where. And they gave me rollers like this. (Mimes little) And I remember these big, like Cindy Crawford type rollers, I got these tiny things, these old lady rollers, And I came out looking like a bizarre footballer. That was not a good day. I so thought it was right, I went back and said give me another one!

“Can you use bigger rollers?” And he said, “no there exists no rollers bigger than that” (shows tiny size with his hands) True, but kind of boring story. So, yes, Aahhh what was I talking? Amm the Archaeology thing…..

So yeah, I dug this ditch, I dug this ditch and went and there was nothing in it. And that was true, that was Archaeology. And I thought actually I wanted I wanted to find a hoard of Roman Coins, or a sword or a Viking Helmet and really, I’m not into Archaeology, I’m into Piracy! That’s what I wanted to find…That’s Piracy!

Which is what the Vikings were…..That's what Viking means; they were British they brought us a lot of cause they took over the whole of eastern England, essentially and Scotland as well and a lot of their language, words like kiosk that’s a Viking word and it came from when they would rape and pillage…cause they would rape and pillage and awful and blood everywhere and limbs hacked and money stolen, and then they’d say;

“If you have enjoyed today’s experience, you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk which is just down on the beach. Thank you, thank you."

So I was talking before about how people have to change before they help, and there’s a third group, firefighters, they change clothes before they help. And they do a very good job, and we like them. And we pull over for them in our cars soon as we Na na na, (imitating sirens) we just (mimes pulling over in a car) Nrrow

You look up in the mirror you see fire. You look out the window on the front of the van you see E-R-I-F and you almost go, get the E-R-I-F van out of the way, let the firefighters through. Then the police come, you look up and see P-O-L-I-C-E- who look out and you see E-C-I-L-O-P “Get out of the way Ecilop!” Ecilop, one eyed monster Let the police through, and then the ambulance comes …And that’s good. That’s a good thing too.

But The police, we, I think we pull over somewhat more reluctantly for the police, you know the police ah there could be good cop bad cop. In addition, there’s politics involved. And sometimes they’re beating up the wrong person, and stuff like this and firefighters … no politics, you go. (Mimes pulling quickly over) Godspeed!

And they go which god? Any god. Buddhist God. Well they don’t have a god, Well, technical! And anyway he wouldn’t go very fast he’s a big man. Yes just fuck off, I mean in a good way. But they never have good firefighter, bad firefighter you know?

If Hitler and Nelson Mandela are stuck in a building, get them both out, get them both out, you know equality.

Hey come on, Hitler, Nelson, (Mimes motioning them to come toward him) Actually Nelson, Nelson, Hitler, Hang on a minute. Nelson, this is Nelson Mandela, give him a cup of tea... Hitler, hang on I've got, I've got a stone in my shoe. Be right there, just hang on, keep your mustache on, Oh! He’s all burnt up! Oh Tragedy, Oh well La Dee Da Ha ha, that’s where Annie Hall meets Hitler’s last days in the bunker Laa Dee Daa. Oh well no more tennis for me”.

(Mimes writing on a small tablet on the palm of his hand)

“It’s not a very funny joke”

So and the Firefighters have a slidey pole. All firefighters do have this England China, Venezuela, Afghanistan. They all have a slidey pole! To get them from the first floor to the ground floor in double quick time. And I just thought why not have a room on the ground floor? Right next to the fire engine? The fire engine would be right here and you’d be sitting right next to it.

And Oh yes, I know what you mean Steve, but I’ve found when there’s a BBrrr RRrt (Bell sound) FIRE!

Brrt! (Mimes, turning around and the firefighters faces are right there at the engines)

This would be the response time Brrt! Point two of a nano second! On the first floor, it’s just inefficient, twenty guys, “FIRE, FIRE!” Down the slide, form a queue, form a queue, go! go! go! Jump! Push Him!! He’s got his leg stuck now, just ahh, pus, use your axe, cut it! Hack it, I’m going down the lift, I’m… Never go down a lift when there’s a fire.

You’re right! It’s not here! It’s not efficient is it?

Cause, Obviously it harbors back from years ago, nineteenth century..( they tell me,)( its _______eenth,) (whispers)

When they didn’t have motorized fire engines, when they were pulled by horses or marmots, or vermin, or panthers or something Rwarararawah (imitates a panther)

The fires been put out, but seven people died when the panthers ate them. Apparently, that was all lies, but the horse thing, apparently, they put the things in because the horses used to try to get up the stairs! So they had to put a pole in so they would “No let us up, let us up”

(Mimes the horse trying to get up the slide poles, hoofs first,)

“No let us up, let us up we want to play canasta, Come on let us up, we’re good at black jack too” They’re going “Get down, get down the horses, the horses are trying to get up to play cards! Get out of it!” “No let us up, let us up We’ve got a weird voice…

“I don’t know how to do a horse voice “Hello, let us up, let us up, or I’ll blow the hair off my chinny chin chin.” Surely, that’s probably right, I don’t know

Um, So that’s true, that’s sort of thing,.., that sounds stupid, but that’s actually true, that’s actually true, the horses used to try to get up stairs I made it up as a piece of rubbish, and I asked a firefighter, and he said That’s how, they got up, they used to try to get upstairs. The horses would come up stairs, not to play cards necessarily but you see I think the firefighters do a good job so they should just come up front and say, there’s no reason for a slidey pole, but we want one! And we go yeah have one, have more have them all have several…Have a big snakes and ladders house, so the bell could Ding a ling ling aling!

(Mimes sliding up and down, back and forth, around in loops, following a snakes and ladders pathway)

Voom voom voom (noise of sliding fire men)

One outside the building,Double turn and open twist and vooom voom voom it’s an open top fire engine (Mimes shifting the levers, and gears to make the engine go)

Brrrruooom, Brrrruooom, Brrrruooom, Brrrruooom,

(Noises of the fire engine being driven furiously down the road)

Put on the siren, “Come to me, upon the open shore, we go parking with naked women uh huh”¯

That’s the Greek Siren you idiot! You're not supposed to play that until the way back”

And they had a bag of cats next to the open window and they would throw them out one by one, that’s where you get that noise….“Meeeow”, Meeeow”, Meeeow” Meeeow” Meeeow” And it just so happens that Dr Doppler was sitting in his car when that Meeeow” Meeeow”, “Do you see that change in notes of cats? This is a very interesting effect that I have been studying now for the last two minutes, and I will write a paper on this.”

Well what will you call it? “I will call it the change in notes of cats effect” You should call it the Doppler effect, then people would shag you. “Yes, yes, for my parents yes, good idea, Not for the shagging which is just fun”.

But it’s worked well for you Professor Pavlov. “Yeah. Mainly dogs, though, they tend to get you.(mimes shaking dog off leg) It’s rather embarrassing really I wish I’d never rung those fuckin bells. It driving me crazy the dogs keep eating everything, damn dog food show, it driving me nuts Sigh Huuhn.”

But the whole thing I was talking about, the whole superhero thing, the reason is fear. I, I, I try to push fear back, you know as a transvestite, I try to push fear back sure enough, because you know I had fight, you know people give me shit in the streets.

They go "Hey what’s the fuckin___ And all” And I’ve learned martial arts, since I had a big fight about five years ago, I’m now a black belt in SASHIMI. Um which if you know sushi, it is like that but its sashimi, just raw fish.

In addition, you fling raw fish everywhere salmon salmon tuna salmon salmon tuna what’s the white one that’s horrible? And that only gives you about ten seconds of shock while they're going, What the fuck? This is fish! And when they are in the Whaaaat?…You go wasabi! Big ball of wasabi down their throats!

(Mimes the shuddering recipient of the wasabi)

So that can work, I encourage you to try that if you’re insane. Um also, I know I’m a black belt in Fuckendo Which is basically just swearing at people.

“You fuck off you fuckin asshole Don’t you come around here you!”

And never say this one, “Come over here and say that…” Cause they tend to…..

(Mimes someone coming right up to his face)

and that’s stupid but I’ve worked out how to get out of that all I've got to do is say “Now just go over there and say that!”

(pointing away from himself)(mumbles as if it’s the bully)

“Now come over here and say that!” “Now go over there and say that!”

“Now go to Venezuela and say that” but when there in Venezuela you can escape. But its this fear thing show no fear and uh.

Wha..and th-th that’s It’s like animals.. It’s like sharks sharks. They can smell blood, hear blood, taste blood, they can taste blood and hear blood, no they cant, they’ve got no ears have they?

Sharks, their ears are so swept back, they’ve swept them all the way down the thing.

(Motion’s sweeping hair back,) and they can only hear things right at the back….

They comb their ears back.Sharks are just evil fucking beasts!

They’re protected, but they’re evil fucking beasts! I mean you know..

Those eyes’ the eyes are actually useless, they’re just transfers. They’re put on from an Effix model. So, you can actually go up to sharks and go

(Thumbs his nose at the shark) and they won’t take offense cause they can’t see you.

It’s the nose, the nose is sonar its complete its like,.. (bong),

They send out pings, (pings), Probably not pings, could just be Blup blup blup

I don’t know if you bank them on the nose If you get near a shark, you know off the coast of Eastland here, If there's a great big shark (grrowwwl) then you just hit him on the nose and and they go whoa oh whoa oh who. They don’t know where you are, or if you kiss them on the nose they get all friendly’. or if you stick your finger in their nostril they just go AAAHHn AAAWWWW!

And if you don’t believe me turn to the person next to you and stick your finger in their nostril. Aaww Ooohh oHH (singing miming,)

Ahh ahh ahh ahha ahha hh (to the tune of a hymnal)

Its true! I've seen a picture in national geographic with a guy with his finger I’m not sure if it’s the nostril, but its somewhere, that flappy bit somewhere behind the...and I don’t know if sharks ever go (Sneezes…ah Choaagh) (Mimes wiping away muck,…and mumbling) But they’re mean and evil and all those teeth, but they’re protected...they are protected, the great white shark, they’re protected the species, because if they all die, they’re wont be any huge murdering beasts in the sea. I think that’s a good thing actually.

The Smarter Dogs are Really From Another Planet

Anyway, but Dogs are interesting, they're dogs I, again I show no fear I go up to dogs and I put my hand in front of their mouth to show I am not scared about them biting, and the dogs never ever, except occasionally bite me.

But if they do try to bite me, I pull away, and then I pull back you see (Making long stroking/petting gestures) so the dogs are now upside down, I undercut them you and I go: Underneath, over the top, underneath, over the top, underneath, over the top...and I spin around; until the dog is going in circles, and I throw in towels and it does a good tumble dry! Um about fifteen minutes, a bit arduous.

But a lot of dogs are not too bright upstairs the bright dogs were with the Egyptians in the early days, they were all (making “walk like an Egyptian type" gestures) you know those dogs that were on the walls. You know those dogs that were with the Egyptians, I think they were probably from another planet. They went woof woof woof, woof woof woof pointy things, woof woof woof, woof woof woof, Bye! (mimes taking off in space ship) and then off, on the space ship, and they left behind the dogs going Whuh, Aarff?

Like greyhounds, greyhounds are not too sharp upstairs. They get put in a cage once a week, and they go, “What do I do in a cage, what have I done? I’ve done nothing, wha wha”

(VOOM WOOSH)(mimes them flying straight on out of the cage running full steam after the rabbit) “Bunny Rabbit! Bunny rabbit Bunny rabbit Bunny Raaabbit!” (mimes them running ahead at full pace)

And they should be going Déjà vu! I’ve chased this bunny rabbit before! I’ve chased this bunny rabbit some more. And they’ll chase after the same bunny rabbit, but you look into a greyhounds eyes and there's just, “Bunny Rabbit Bunny rabbit bunny rabbit )”(mimes them flying straight on out of the cage running full steam after the rabbit)

Total focus: “Bunny Rabbit Bunny rabbit” and they should have the cameras on the dogs at the end of the race, “Fucking Rabbit! That’s the fastest bunny rabbit I've ever seen, have you ever caught the bunny rabbit in this thing, ? Stevie, Jimmy , Harry? Too fuckin fast, its like they’re nailed to a railway line!”

There should be one dog bright enough to go, “let him go, let him go, Steven, Harry Jake, let him go, let that fucking bunny rabbit go…well I’ll tell you why, I've got a plan, I think if we stay right here, and we let that bunny rabbit go, that that bunny rabbit there, he’s going to come back around! He is, look he’s coming around he’s coming around he’s coming around. Oh here he comes here he comes here he comes. Don’t look at him, (begins to whistle nonchalantly) NNRRNRNNR(sound of bunny coming) (mimes watching for bunny until he comes right near, then kicks it…)

“Aahh ooh OW! For Christ Sakes, he’s got a metal front wheel!!! Bunny Rabbits don’t have wheels!”

The Chosen Canines who will let you down

Guide dogs, they are bright, they get chosen especially chosen, "You! You have the look in your eye the look of intelligence, you’ll become a special dog."

And the dog goes, “Food?”

"You know what I’m saying, don’t you? Come and I will make you a leader amongst dogs."

“Food Now? With marrow? The yummy bit of humans?”

"Come I will make you a leader, who will lead people with restricted eyesight"

“Food at Dog-shop, Dog food shop? I like dog Food shop”

And they’re trained, these dogs are trained, they have a compass.

“One seven five degrees magnetic" (reading compass and map points and referencing them)

"Church with spire? “ (mimes taking coordinates, and then directing traffic-as a guide dog, guiding person across street through- traffic to) Meeoow Meeeowww (traffic noise) “ding a ling Dog food shop”! The trouble with guide dogs, they’ll always take you to a dog food shop, you may not want to go there.

But I met someone I met someone in Melbourne she had a guide dog that was a failed guide dog, believe it, this dog failed! It was obviously (mimes reading map directions, with great difficulty and) “Uh, Uh Oh Uh, You Um, you're no help “(mimes trying to direct traffic, when guided person is directed into oncoming traffic ) Meeowww, Meeowww (poorly guided the person is hit, failed guide dog walks away…………….) Whistling………. “Where’s your owner?” Guide dog shrugs, looks up.. Gone upstairs? (dog looks skyward with very nonchalant care)….

(Eddie looks into the wings off stage…)

whispers… “What? What?" (Gestures to his costume)

What? (Again, lifts, the coat back to the persons in the stage wings and walks off stage….)

"Can I answer? Hang on Sir…”


Sergeants Uniform

(back on to stage with great applause, and in a second costume)

Apparently I wasn’t supposed to be wearing that. And I just nicked this off a sergeant, as he was walking by as you can see he didn’t need it…

And there's someone there that cut a triangle out of my skirt. The triangle cutting out people…the nnrr rrh errn. Not a rhomboid. No! Cause a triangle, you know how to get a triangle out of a square, but a rhomboid, you go what the fuck is that? It’s a square squashed over, why? I don’t know well why isn’t it a diamond? Aw get off!

Now, (high pitched sing-songy) Ahhh ahhh ahhh Oh These are, quite good cause you can play them (thumbs at the fabric of his knotted stockings) Bong, bung, bong, Ah ah ah (along another row of fabric) Cousin!

Cause in there are two pair of them, spare no expense, I don’t know..

Now Africa! I hear you ask… yes well its true accord, ….I do research these days, I used to not do research, I let research come up to me and go, “You know chickens are hairy” not really no actually, they’re feathery and when you cut their heads off they’re super intelligent’.

Um you know they’re ex-dinosaurs, chickens are the only dinosaurs that survived, or something like that. I don’t know how I pick up shit but, and interesting facts as well. Now, I prefer the facts, because otherwise...alright and all of that (under his breathe)

Um um where was I, Research, Research. I buy books, do I read them? NO!

Cause I’m a slow reader. I take it all in, because the fast readers go “I read a book last night” “I read War and Peace while going to the toilet” But they didn’t take it in, they just went, Fwaaatuuuh (Mimes speed reading) And I say Uh, What was it about ? Uh I don’t a Root year (garbled), I don’t know what and I take it all in you see, I bought a speed reading book, because I wanted to speed it up, have I read the speed-reading book? No.

But logically that’s one book where as you read there should come a point where you’re Ahh Ahh (mimes beginning to read, with increasing speed, following with finger, and then getting..) Ahh Ahh Ahh (‘ “ “ very very fast) babababababab And if I read that one, then I could read all of the others really quickly. But will I? I just keep going back to the Steve McQueens Biography. So anyway.

And Africa, I watched two DVD’s on Africa, Mm and it is proved that the DNA, or “DeNah” as we call it now. That Crick and Watson and the other guy and woman that was dead so didn’t get the nobel prize, they found the alpha helix, and it proved that we’re all from Africa you see. They proved with the Y chromosome and mitochondrial DNA that we're all African. Which is brilliant, because it means that racist people can retire!

Yes they have done well. Wonderful, wonderful racist people who brought violence and hatred into the world and many many deaths, Pa---s bodies, Um Hitler, there’s an interesting person... Ooh he dealt with hatred, if he hadn’t hated so many people, you know killed six million Jews and so many fuckin millions of people, and if he hadn’t of killed them a lot of them were German, citizens they would have fought for him, and he could have won. Yeah, think about that! If he hadn’t hated so much…

That’s another war, so…so what’s the point so anyway Africa , we’re all from there, and racist people interestingly are never as polite as smokers, have you noticed that? Smokers always go "Do you mind if I smoke?" "Oh You Do O.K.".” I’ll go outside and smoke a cigarette”. Racist people don’t go do you mind if I’m racist? oh you do, ok I'll go outside. Fucking rude people eh? Come around her, steal our hamsters,…Bye..

Yes now where were we? Children they're lovely aren’t they? Now I have worked out that personally I’m a hunter gatherer type. This is my body type. You know amazingly there's a lot of thin people who eat pigs and they “Ooo I haven’t put a thing on.” That’s tricky in its own way. Because they can’t get any bigger and I can get bigger, thank you very much. If I look at a piece of lettuce, I go, (Bronx cheer type miming exploding widely) I’m designed, I’m a running person, not a runny like Camembert but runny like (mimes a fast jog) I’m designed…bum bum bum (mimes a fast jog again)

The loneliness of a long distance runner or the sort of less loneliness with two long distance runners. You know I’m good at that, so I think I’m a hunter-gatherer, I think my DeNAh goes back to the hunter gatherers. I just think that I’m a hunter, I don’t know if I’m a gatherer, I’m not very tidy. I think I’m kind of (mimes running throwing spear) I think I've got that, got that badger, and then,” Steve could you gather that?”

A hunter and a gatherer, not Hunters - Gatherer, Hunters and GATHERERS.

Some other people are, Oh I’ll get that, they’re very good, they’re very fastidious.

There's a badger left, you left a badger here. Cause I think I’ll be the hunter, but then I come back and “where’s the badger?” Oh I left him! I left him on the on the corpse.

On the knotty hill there on the crag. And I think that sort of relationship, it’s like a golfing relationship. Ooo Ooo look a gazelle, what do you think? “I think a three spear.” So, you get a three spear. (Mime throwing the spear) Fooom WASABI!! (sing-song dancie type )

Gazelles are really fast, Yeaaw I missed, get another three spear! And then the small ones like a marmots, “Oh just the wood, just a wood, thank you.” (mimes stabbing him vertically in front of himself). I never got applause there before! (mimes writing on a small tablet on the palm of his hand) That’s what Eastbourne likes! (repeat mime of stabbing marmot vertically in front of himself)

Oh don’t fuckin humor me! You must love that thing on the pier you get where you hit the rat thing, that. Hit the fuckin Rat, What a fucking bloody game. Hit the fuckin Rat, (mimes clubbing the rats) If you haven’t seen it, Rats, There's about eight Rats, they are there just below the surface, and when they come up you hit them. And its just, hit a rat, (mimes clubbing the rats) Rat, Rat hit a fuckin, Rat! Bubonic plague!

What a wonderful plague Bubonic plague. It such a big word the BUBONIC PLAGUE! Not the Black Death (mockingly) Mmnn Black Death The BUBONIC PLAGUE!, THE HAVASUBONIC PLAGUE.THE SENTALtrandelbondledick plague

Mr. Bubon who invented it first went, a tissue a tissue, What’s up Mr. Bubon? “I think I've got the plague!” The BUBONIC PLAGUE?! Could be Yaaaahgh! (Choking at neck)

What’s the symptoms? “My hair goes all curvy!” That’s just, no that’s just a soccer problem, a football thing- that that permanent, that’s too tight on the rollers. Quit looking at hairdressers. What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t know. Right what’s this? Um. (Mimes picking up something looking and setting it down) UM

I didn’t need that mime! Cause Marcel Marceau you know…I’ve worked out that the whole gun problem cause I've traveled across in America and there's this whole gun problem and people say how they should deal with it and I think I've got it worked out. I think you should ban the hand guns, and there’ll be an outcry, but then allow artillery. Because it will slow them down. They’ll go come on…(mimes lifting heavy artillery walking it over to large artillery, type loading in the shell) Just field artillery from World War II.

(Back to mime with large 40-millimeter antiaircraft gun—extensive mime here-whistling while transporting the shells, loading the gun, cranking around the direction of the gun …)

“CHECK” (sound of artillery shell flying…watching it…..)

“Shit!!” (heads back for another shell….) BiNananananan (making siren noise)

Ah Boog! it’s the fuzz! Boog?

“One of the most tiring mimes I’ve ever done, that one,” I’ve said that to Marcel Marceau (mimes talking on phone) I’ve said, Its really tiring the artillery mime! Marcel? Marcel, it’s a really obvious gag, they laughed! Marcel have you hung yourself? C'mon lad!

Say Something! (making Low level French utterings)….A Quest que le cest de le plage ….du habit tres de le mer. (nonsensical utterings whispered in French...) That was really going well Marcel, but we blew it, blew the end bit… Really trailed it off there Ad libbing is not all its cracked up to be, Yeah all right I’ll talk to you yeah fuck em yeah bye (mimes shutting down a cell phone)

Boop …..Key Lock. Ho Ho! What a 2003 joke. Key Lock? Ten years ago. We wouldn’t have known what key lock We wouldn’t have known that key lock would be so important!

Otherwise your phone would just be live and you get just get a message with some of this..(heavy breathing, mumbling snoring snorting nonsensical words and other assorted body sounds…) Steve! Steve! Steve! You’ve got your phone on! (more snortin/ ba nasal unintelligible noises) Steve! Steve! Switch your fuckin phone off mate! (more snorty nasal unintelligible noises) If you haven’t got a mobile phone then you wont know what I’m talking about. Thank God for key lock, oh God before key lock…Endless phone calls that went on like that for hours. Anyway… Uh so, Uh…uh (pause) Um help me..

Oh Hunter, gatherers yeah

Famous Hunter Gatherers and the Story of Jeff

So hunter and gatherers! And they hunted Mammoths as well didn’t they. I’m not sure, huge fucking elephants, (mimes shooting w/a spear) Got him! Oh he’s not stopping! He’s not stopping! Sis...have you got the three, the four, the… (Parummph! Falls over)

And now a days see Wooly Mammoth should be called woolly elephant shouldn’t he? They are just elephants with wool aren’t they? But they have an elephant bloody gun!! They didn’t have a mammoth spear! Give me the Mammoth spear! Just run into this will you Mr. Mammoth. Too bloody big to hunt. But they invented things. This is fifty thousand years ago, and remember, our civilization, back to the Egyptians and the dog people there, that were five and a half thousand fifty thousand years ago.

Long bloody time, and they invented fire. Somebody invented fire. People say well fire was from a lightning strike hit a tree and somebody. I don’t think so! Because we’ve been out in thunder and lightning and its fucking scary (imitates crackles and hisses in front of face) and in our minds we go, “It is an electronic discharge from the thing”. In our hearts and our bodies we go, “The fucking gods are angry, and they hate us. We have sinned. We have done original sin, and unoriginal sin and copied, and all that shit.”It’s just scary, even nowadays if you were next to a tree and it went with lightning, I don’t think any one here would go, “we’ll grab a branch and well do marsh mellows.” Ipso facto if that means anything, I don’t think back then they would have done it either. So someone must have invented fire, there must have been a day before fire and a day after fire.

The day before it would be Oh gods its freezing, oh god its so cold, turn the turn the uh turn nothing up will you, throw another log on your brother…What’s to eat? Salad! Salad?, We had salad yesterday.


Can we get variety?

What? Like Sa L-A-D, I could pronounce it differently what do you want , le salad? If you move around the country, you get different pronunciations.

No I just want, ok does it have a dressing?

Eh, A what like a bandage?

No Balsamic vinaigrette, does it have balsamic vinaigrette? Where the heck did balsamic vinaigrette come from? And eat? Balsamic fucking vinaigrette.. How long ago? Ten years?

Ten years ago? “Would you like a dressing..? We have thousand island,. We have 970 island We have 400 island We have 3-mile island, Or balsamic vinaigrette, balsamic vinaigrette, balsamic vinaigrette,”

I would like the balsamic vinaigrette., balsamic vinaigrette,. It was just some suggestive thing. And its yummy Ho ho ho ho ho. And what is it made of? Balsa, balsa, wood balsa wood?, It’s air model airplane , you’re making model airplanes and its put it in the salad, put it in the salad, And you eat the salad, and the solvent you go, it gets The glue, its the glue, Aha Ohh the salad, it’s so… creamy.

Solvent abuse you fuckin salad, you fuck off you salad

Should be funnier (mimes writing on a small tablet on the palm of his hand)

So there must have been someone who said, I’m not going to have any salad anymore, I’M going to bloody change this! (mimes someone rolling twig in hands to make fire)

Look Jeff, Hey what are you doing? Come and have your salad before its getting warm

“Look Sheila, I’m going to invent something right here,”

“What after you’ve masturbated?”

“No! that’s not masturbation, if you do that to your penis, it’ll come off at the hinge!”

(mimes rolling twig between palms of his hands)

“Well all right what are you?” “I’m Twig…” “Yeah twig spinning, I can see,” “No, I’m doing this thing.” “What drilling to China?” “No China hasn’t been invented yet Haa aahhh!”

So how forty five thousand years ago of you. In the future, it’ll work out in Eastbourne, when I explain it,…

Sheila – “gone mad?” “So look I did this yesterday, I spin a twig and it makes smoke and it makes orange and yellow stuff, and its kinda warm.” “I’m going to be famous, Sheila!”

“Jeff you’re not either, come and have your salad.” “I’m going to! invent this, and…”

“Jeff Fire!, You are not going to be famous!” “I am Sheila And you know what? I’m going to call it Jeff! “

FOR YEARS THEY WOULD SAY; Throw another log on the Jeff. Just put a Barbie on the Jeff! Oooh early porn. Ah its an old pornography joke, you’ve heard it all, Eastbourne you’re a crazy rock and roll town, what rocks, pebbles. Um yes, so they invented that, they invented fire.

And some one invented the wheel. And they said the person that invented the wheel was a genius, No I think the person that invented the axle was a genius, Because the wheel before the axle was just a lazy Susan. And what was that before the wheel was invented?

Lazy Susan was just a girl who stood in the middle of the table, with some food,going “What do you want? what do you want some noodles?, fuck off I haven’t got any,

You want jam. Fuck off, no!”

“You can have some rice, what no hang on , just give it a second for fuck sake.”

“Oh you’re bloody lazy Susan”. “I AM!”. Just pointed that out for jokes purposes.

So you invent the wheel, the guy who invented the wheel was obviously crackers!

“I have invented a major new transport thing!” “Oh really?” “Yes!” “How does it work?”

“You strap your body to the wheel , and then your friend pushes you down the hill.”

“You’d break your back in three places”. “Only three places!” “Have you met Axle Rod?”

“Hello!” “Oh what have you invented?” “I've invented the pole.”

“You’re Axle Rod and you’ve invented the pole?” “Yes” “What are you going to call it?”

“I am going to call it (pause)…one of those three.”

So you put an axle on a wheel and then, you’ve got nothing. You’ve just got a thing that goes around and around and around. You’ve got to get another wheel on,

Ahh you've got to invent two fuckin wheels! If you think about it. And then that doesn’t work cause..

“What a great thing for traveling” “How?” “You stand on the axle and go” Ahh Ahh Ahh

No no no put a chair on the axle, um attach it to the, ahh (mimes the chair flipping fixed around under the wheel, on top etc. fwump, fwump, fwump) No you have to drill a hole, Ahh there’s so many parts of the inventions that you have to make, Go living

Neanderthal Book of the Month Club

And there were two types of human biped-ie type things. There were Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens that were like cousins, like kissing cousins except that they didn’t kiss.

The Neanderthals with ofcourse the heavy eyebrow ridge, “Huh?” (mimes scowling dumb looking Neanderthal)and that kind of…“Eeerh, Eeerh,” You know with that kind of

“Oh I got a head ache” look. “I feel , I feel so close to extinction.” Very hardy, but not so bright up stairs.

Or the Homo Sapiens, slightly more sort of “How are we getting on, Neanderthal? Are you doing all right?” (imitating Homo Sapiens)“Ah not to good yesterday we went hunting and half our tribe was killed when they fell on themselves, And I’ve hurt my knee, and we’ve got no .” (imitating Neanderthals)

“Yeah, Well it was good talking to you. (imitating Homo Sapiens) Must go I’ve got some swatches of moss for the new cave we’re moving into. The local chap’s doing some paintings of things, jumping things, I don’t know gazelles or what ever, should look good, should be able to fetch us a pretty penny in a few years. Where are you living these days?”

“I am living in a bit of my own excrement” (imitating Neanderthals)

“Well good idea, it keeps you warm yeah? “(imitating Homo Sapiens) “A What? “(imitating Neanderthals) “Your Pooh keeps you warm, does it?” (as Homo Sapiens)

“Eh, Eh Yuh Huh? “(imitating Neanderthals) “Your pooh from your body, doesn’t it keep you warm, Isn’t that the idea?” (imitating Homo Sapiens)

(As Neanderthal): “Uh No! I hadn’t thought of that. The estate agent said Bathroom en suite.” “Yes, Well you’re box clever there!”(imitating Homo Sapiens) Peter Sellers in the Goose

Now Uh, So Neanderthals they died out. Two Hundred thousand Years, and they went Ah fuck it (Croaks) And now they died out because they were a bit. Uhh

So they must have started, (mimes a timeline of evolution) “Huh”, fifty thousand years of evolution. “Heuh” A hundred thousand? “ahh” A hundred and fifty….”Ahhn”

Two Hundred Thousand…”Ah Shit” (ker plunk)

And Thank God they died, because if they had managed to make it then Homo Sapiens wouldn’t have made it, And television, would be, book of the month club on television would be; (As Neanderthals)

“And now we have Professor…and,”

“What do you think of this book?”


“What do you think of this book in a critical way?”

“Its all right!”

“There you ‘ave it., its all right”

News programs would be,.. (As Neanderthals):

“And now we have uh breaking news uh, eerrrh, uhh, “

(pointing to desk) “what’s all this here, what’s this line, What’s this white thing going along here ,..what’s this crawler thing, what’s this uh??”


“Uhhh.” Now over to Steve”

“huh?” (As Steve Neanderthal) What? Steve, ….Huh. Steve! What’s Going On? Steve!

What now,? Where? What , What Here? Huuh?

“And now over to the politicians debating who would like to be leader”

(1st candidate) “I would like to be leader because I got teeth”

(2nd candidate) “I would like to be leader because I haven’t. And I've no need of dentistry”

(3rd Candidate) “I don’t want to be leader. I’m in it for cash.”

Shakespeare would be (as Neanderthals)

“To be or not to be, you know maybe, it’s a question, whether it nobler whether to suffer slings and arrows and a club in the face, or to wrestle a rat for half an hour, you know maybe that’s nobler, anyway that’s all from me, love Bill”

And all those whole fuckin changing a room programs would be (as Neanderthals walking around, showing walls of the rooms)

“All right, well, you know, I thought we’d put excrement here and then excrement there,…and then Poo along here, and up there, and then pooh, then pooh, then a bit of wee, then pooh, then pooh then wee, then wee, and then a pooh bar here...and here they come” (mimes the residents coming back blindfolded)

“aaaahhhhhh” (mimes residents opening eyes, and mouths dropping to the surprise…)

“And what do you think?”

“This is shit!”

So that didn’t happen! But, then forty-five thousand years ago fact seekers, what happened, something like that there was an ice age, of course….and as it got jolly jolly cold , the north and south poles a lot more ice, and then the sea level goes down, to make all that ice, it goes down about the height of a forty-story block of flats, residential or office, doesn’t really matter…and so in and around the equator, it gets not only hot, it gets super duper hot, so the People in Africa are going, Look, I may be African, but I’m getting the fuck out of here, and so, they went up by Egypt, and into central Asia and some of them went down into Ethiopia, and parts of Yemen, and down into Australia, Yemen another, ah my home town.


East vs. West and Sponge Cake

And so I am a child of the Middle East, I am a child of it…

And so I look to the East and West, like we do, with medicine, we look to the East and West, and some of the Western is very goal driven, and the Eastern is ahh more, curious..

Like Um, Like Ah Acupuncture.

I’ve had acupuncture, I don’t know if you’ve had it, but I've seen it on telly and they push those little needles in. And obviously in the body, there’s levels of Ow, and (makes a motion of levels) Ow, and Ow, a and in between the Ow, there’s sort of Yum! or sponge cake or something, and they seem to push it in the sponge cake bit so it doesn’t hurt.. I saw it on telly… I saw it on the Matrix… And so I had that, because I had Ahh, Um arotator cuff problem here, my shoulder is all kind of fucked up because in the rotator cuff you have four muscles, You’ve got the Superspinadtus, you got the Whohumdunotus, Uh, and the long twangy one, but there all blue and red!

You’ve seen those models haven’t you? They’re all blue and red except for one that is green with a white Band around it and that’s the Earth. And then you tie that in, and you plug your arm into the wall or something. So anyway I had acupuncture, I had had the steroids and not too bad, that didn’t work, so I had the acupuncture and they pushed the needles in, and it felt like a small needle being pushed into my arm.

Its not Ow, its kind of Uhhgh! But thirty of them equals OW! And I loo, I couldn’t look at it cause I looked like a swallowed a hedgehog! So I tried that out, then I went and had an MRI where you go into the tube thing, it's like going into a coffin, and some steel band playing, on your head, that was hell, and next I had a Cat scan and he didn't know what he was doing, (Meeow, meow) so I gave it to the dog and he was nowhere in town with it.

But dentistry is interesting. We only seem to have western dentistry. There’s no eastern dentistry is there, it’s just western, I mean there must be some eastern,But the western is just basically torture. Its still in the torture field it still those two noises when you went to the dentist when you were a kid, and you would have (imitates the sounds high and low of the dentist machinery) That’s just the dentist talking!

“I haven’t seen you in a while” (in the pitch of the drilly machinery) “Yes that’s true, I haven’t seen you since the other day, Yes that’s,, He’s a fine young lad, let's drill his face off shall we….”

And they start softly softly catchy monkey with “Alright we are going do a little X ray there, were going to put a little machine up your face” “Ok this is not dangerous at all,” “Ok I am just going to (imitates walking away) go to the Bahamas…for a second...I’ve left my cat in the fridge there.”

“Paaruumf”(sound of Xray done).

“No maybe not, I’ll come, What’s that you say, your face feels a little drippy? Well that’s OK, A little runny does it? Maybe A hunter-gatherer.” There you go. Now Ok. Now when they put the Xray on that thing, that’s when it all gets..Cause we don’t know what it looks, like, and they say “Ahhh you See, That’s decay.”

“What, that’s my skull isn’t it?” “No…No, , the black bit.”

“Well that’s my skull that’s my whole head."

“Yes were going to drill your head off.”

We don’t know how, to, they could just be anything,… “yes, you see there, you’ve lost your nose, “ “What?” “You’ve got no teeth, You’re a monkey basically. Right were going to have to,”

And then they start with a little bit of pokey pokey, right a lil’ bit of mirror mirror on the wall Which tooth has got to fall, and the pokey pokey with the pokey bit, pokey thing pokey pokey, pokey pokey, pokey pokey, pokey pokey, and then they’re doing that code, “Two tee L nine four four seven Tee S one, Alpha charley, ,bravo Tango Foxtrot, two Thousand feet over monkeys head, it all means something, first tooth, strong, solid, maybe I can dislodge it if I knock it (Thud-Thud) with some equipment, second tooth, good, but bleeding around the gums, the thin white towel of death must be used” (mimes sawing motion) “To saw down the edge and make it fall out like the block of the Berlin Wall that would be nice, Third tooth, there’s decay, around the edges! The decay that I planted last time, has taken hold, looks like we’re going to have to drill (getting excited) Woo Yeah, Going to have to drill, Fire it up nurse, I’m going to drill his face off!”

(imitates making awful drill noises)

Hold on, (imitates making awful drill noises)...Hold, (imitates making awful drill noises) ……and they become like mad carpenters (imitates making awful drill noises) nurse could you put your finger in his mouth and go (imitates suction noises) (imitates making awful drill noises)

Hang On, Hang on, you haven’t got it plugged in your just making the noises.

(imitates making awful drill noises) “Right Rinse!”(mimes, gargling swishing, and spitting)

“I’m, I’m out of thing, where’s the button, where’s the button, why do you have to press the fuckin button!??”

“Where’s the fuckin button for this thing, why can’t I press the fucking button! What’s so precious about the bloody red stuff? Just turn it on!”

Its like they dole that stuff out. And he goes, “Right I’ve drilled your face off, and you’ve got stumps for teeth. I’m going to screw in some new ones, There the new Titanium Teeth, I screw them in, And they’re sponsored by the makers of Scrabble, so they’ve got letters and numbers on them. And there we go, Top row, I’m going to spell Fantastically, that’s forty-one points, Bottom row, Fuck me baby, that’s seventy-one points, If you smile it should happen.” (imitates Cheshire smile)

True it just all drilling! There's just no invention, Everything new, we’ve got a better drill, faster drill, Why cant they just make them quiet?

Its all, you can feel the (imitates making awful drill noises) All that fuckin…

And my dentist said, the reason, he was a nice guy.

Its got a water blower, it blows plaque off your teeth, I thought fantastic, but it blows it at the speed of sound, And it therefore feels like seventy-two daggers! (imitates making awful drill noises)

Even one dentist said, “I've got this cream, Tell me, if I rub it on your tooth

Tell me when it hurts”…and I’m going,,,”ahh “(raises hands)“Ah that hurts, umm ah that hurts, ah that hurts what is it?”

“This is just a hurty cream! It just hurts!”

Who wants to be a...Who wants to be ... a dentist?

Horse Riding or Child Wearing

Any way I’m going to finish up tonight so we can all go home, I am going to finish up tonight…I just want to mention something on horses. Cause um I when I was a kid, I did horse riding. Now as probably some of you did, but I have found out recently that we didn’t what we experienced was horses doing child wearing!

Yes it is true, they’ve got literature on it in a documentary called "What Horses Do" And horses go;
“yes, and I’ve joined a stable. And they provide me with children, they have their own straps and everything, and they go up the hills and they eat the grass and they drink the water, and just trit- trot around…nothing fast, and the kids exercise your neck and they tickle you in the ribs, and you can bite their feet, and you come back to the stables, they remove the children, and they burn them I believe, or some of them they take to airplanes and they cry with forks”

Its just that, I couldn’t get this fucking horse going.

“C’mon, (imitating riding motion) You, Fuckin go!”

Clip Clop Clip Clop I mean that wasn’t a western to me. With my black bubble hat on, Steve McQueen was never in a black bubble hat with a yellow Bloody roll out jumper, I wasn’t cool. I looked like a dick head! I wanted danger, wind in my hair, not the wind in my black bubble hat!

Crappiest hat in the world, go on, I hated it! I mean, Fox Hunting, there's big Fox hunting thing, there’s arguments in Britain about Fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.

If chickens get invaded by foxes, ‘then the posh people come in,Because they go to the same clubs. “Yes I know” (mimes sipping a cocktail while talking)

“Bock bock bock bock bock bock” (mimes the chicken as half of the conversation)

“Yes I went there, it was very sunny” “Bock bock bock bock bock bock”

“You lost your head?”

“Bock bock bock bock bock bock” (mimes the chicken as half of the conversation)

“How did you get on?” (mimes sipping a cocktail while talking) “Bock bock bock bock bock bock”. “Oh really that’s very fine.”

They can even do punchlines. So anyway, they go fox hunting. (mimes riding a horse, blowing fox horn) “Mr. Fox, you must be killed! How would you wish to die?”

(as Mr. Fox) “By lethal injection would be the safest and most painless way.”

“How would you like to be ripped apart by dogs?” (as Mr. Fox) “’I’d really rather not!”

(imitates the dogs tearing up something..)

And they get the dead fox and they get small children and they go:

“There you go little Johnny, rub your face in this dead bloody body there.”

(mimes rubbing something in a face)

(as Johnny) “Thank you father (twitch, spasm) I will never be (twitch, spasm) fucked up by this (twitch, spasm) Never effect me in any way I hope (twitch, spasm)

I should grow up to be a member of the aristocracy and not be a Denttle.”

But any way horse are trained they’re trained by people Who deal with whips they, “walk on Walk On. “Come bye, come bye, Hoo la la Hoo la la hilda hoopda” Sheep dogs as well,

(imitates using whips and directions for sheep dogs)

Or horse whisperers, you’ve heard of.. Horse Whisperers

They’re very touchy feely, very much from the

“There boy, there boy, there-there” (imitates soothing talk and then whispering in a horses ear, speaking unintelligible words,) Horse is going…

“What?.. I couldn’t quite hear…” (repeats whispers of )I said you why don’t you,...(unintelligible whispers again) horse replies..“no I told you, I cant, I get, Could you speak up?’

Horse Whisperers aren’t the illust,...its horse shouters that are the better trainers!


“Walk out, walk on, walk forward, You, walk, and stop, stop or I shoot you with gun!”

But anyway with all this horse training, I got a Western,

I got cast in a Western last year,

I got cast in a bloody Western! Fantastic!

Knowing how to do the black bubble hat and like that, “Can you ride?”

“Like a like an amazing person sir!…Oh you should see me ride!”

Use that one that’s good, it goes both ways.. You good at riding?

You should see me ride! No!

I got it, I was in a French Western, its called "Blueberry",
It’ll be out in February and in Paris, and I’m a German Cowboy, its English-speaking..

It’s like Spaghetti western, its baguette–ie western,

That’s the similarity, Its not meant to be funny, its just Mmmm Hhmms.

So, The next thing I know I am in Mexico , three months on horses,

The first day:

Me, Michael Matson, , a Mexican actor called Antonio, On horses,

And I’m going, I could be trotting out of this , I could go

(mimes a slow trot) I’m am big bad ass, thing.

(clip clop clip clop clip clop) stupid hat on, I go God I better make this horse , make sure he,.. ‘I better give him bit of kick I’m I could give em a Ereerbie eerbie (mimes giving a bit of spur to the horses flank) cause I’ve got spurs on, they go clank clank on,

Pretty good…

So I’m there on the horse, ..

And they say, what do you do…They say what you do is, And they go well what you do is you say your lines,

And then you: “Hahn”… The horses go off, and you gallop out of frame, and then we’ll shout "Cut" when we’ve got enough.

OK thanks. OK were ready...

Michael Madsen’s over there (motions to this left) they’re all quiet, a bit quiet. The horses are all... they’re all, cause none of us are very good on horses, they're all over, at one point Antonio’s horse is facing the other way around, "Like Oh My God He’s either brilliant on a horse. Or he’s not…"

So, ok so ACTION… Hey ….blah blah blah blah blah,

“Chirokowah, we must get out of here, we must head for those mountains ...over there, Ok here we go.”


(mimes, the horse under him taking off like a rocket ship………)



“About a hundred and sixty miles an hour…”.



I was not trying to touch him with the spurs…

I was trying to ride like this…..(shows his heels pointing as far out away from the horse as possible)

(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

This is a huge Mexican horse, going...


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

(He’s looking back behind him. He’s looking back to either side )

I can’t hear "Cut" …can’t hear fuckin anything, this horse is just going on, it’s in the north of Mexico, this horse he’s going for the US border...



(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

(Imitates pulling back on the reins, pulling back on the reins again, and again,.)


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

Imitates, leaning forward, and trying to get the horses attention.


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

and then imitates trying to step off one side of the horses, but again the horse just keeps going BBBBBRRRRFFFFFFFFF BBBBBRRRRFFFFFFFFF BBBBBRRRRFFFFFFFFF

(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

And then we’re at the US Border, And they’re going “Hey, you there you can’t come in here, Where were you born?”

“Yemen …..”


(continues imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…) (horse takes off still.)

Then I remember, turn them in a circle …that slows them down…


(continue imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

Imitates turning the horse in a circle to the right,


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…) (Imitates turning the horse in a circle to the left )


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…) (turned to the right, the left, the right)


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

Then we’re at the Canadian Border, And they’re "Hey you can’t come in here",


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

And I’m going (to the horse)- “Hey I’ve got a gun!”

(Showing it to the horse, )


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

Fuck! Then I remember Sharks,

(takes his finger and puts it in the horse’s face up his nose, Bonks him on the nose)


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

Then I see a fire brigade…


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)

Into the fire brigade house, Up the slidey pole


(continues with imitating the horse he’s on: running full speed, not about to stop/ without care/ full force/…)




Thank-you very much for being here,

It’s good to be back, thank you Good Night!

(Takes his bows)


{comes out on stage without the jacket he was wearing earlier…}

“Basically what I’m doing is a very slow striptease here. Yes, Stripper Libraries that’s what we want isn’t it? Because with libraries, people don’t go there, if it was a stripper library, kids would be going” (imitates a gawky eyed young kid..)

“Ah yeah, I’d, I’d like a book, on on, on Anything…how about the Etruscans? Yeah the Etruscans, the yeah, elephant book, that’d be great. And um big tusks, …fuckin hell…Where has she gone?” (kid running after stripper librarian) “I was going to give her a quid. I was going to put a quid coin in her G-string…”

(imitates putting coin in G string and it dropping straight on through…)

KKK chunk, KKK chunk, KKK chunk, KKK chunk, KKK chunk, KKK chunk,

Anyway...Um, How far can we go with Eastbourne? I’ve never been to a strip club, but I hear that people put clothes on, or something.. And then they put… I’m not sure…Umm..All right, to finish up.

To finish up, I am going to do my latest bad impression yes sir.

Now my impressions are terribly bad, And they have been known throughout the states of China, and Well good impressionists they just do someone, and you know that’s

Steve McQueen, that’s Robert DeNiro. I tend to tell everyone who I’m going to do, to help. And to explain that it might not sound like them. This is Christopher Walken, As done by someone else. I did them, during Death of Joe Egg on Broadway. And Michael Gaston was in that, and he had done Shakespeare with Christopher Walken. I didn’t know Christopher Walken, did Shakespeare. So Michael did this impression , and I knicked this off Michael. And he knows about that, but and so Christopher Walken, Doing Iago in Othello:

“Yah, Yah, this is according to, Yah Othello, Yah, your wife, …” (doing Christopher Walken…)

“You should kill her with a pillow, …Yah, she's crazy, she’s dizzy, she drives us crazy”

Or even:

“ To BE!, Or Not to BE..Yahh, It’s a Question! , whether it is nobler, to suffer with you know slings and arrows…and shit. aha” (as Christopher Walken…)

“Now is the winter of our discontent, ..Eehhrr or summer?…or summer York or clouds…loud”

(I’m going a bit off Christopher Walken!) Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

(doing Christopher Walken…)

“You know it’s a petty pace, it goes on, Yeah..this watch, this watch, it’s your fathers watch…its your grandfathers watch…”

(doing Christopher Walken…)

“this watch, its your birth right, uh your daddy who was shot down over Hanoi, so was I we were in a prison camp, you know, the watch, its your right, Uh no slant eye’s gonna get his hands on this watch. He wants to have the watch, he puts it the one place they cant, up his ass, he puts it up his ass, Five long years with this watch up his ass. He dies of watch in ass disease. They give me the watch, I put the watch up my ass, I get watch in ass Syndrome. The It’s a watch, you can wear it, wear it, but don’t put it up your ass, wear it on your wrist, don’t lick it!”

Anyway, Thank you very much, Good Night!




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